Sex life is ruining marriage- please help!

[lemoncurdontoast]

Name changed for this as I’m embarrassed.
I’ve been with DH for 6 years, sex has always been a bit of a problem. My self-esteem has never been great and I’ve always avoided initiating- I suppose because I worry about being rejected. I’m not very confident about saying what I do and don’t like. I’ve tried to show him what I like in the way I touch him but he misses the point.
I’ve never had this problem in past relationships. I’m not sure why things are different now. I’ve always previously had very positive ‘feedback’! But I’m married to this man and the thought of this being the sex we have for the rest of our lives feels very sad. I want for him to enjoy our sex life and obviously I want to enjoy it too.
He has expressed that he feels like he might as well be alone as I don’t seem to enjoy it. I’ve tried lots of different things- toys, dressing up, being spontaneous, planning a date... it always seems to end up the same way- he doesn’t get hard/ stay hard and he says he can see I’m not into it. Or it’s okay for a while but he doesn’t come and again says he doesn’t want to have sex if I’m not enjoying it and we just stop.
Short of making all sorts of fake noises, I’m not sure how to communicate that I am enjoying it. However, now I am so self-conscious about it and worrying about if he’ll be turned on and if not why not, that I can’t relax and enjoy it.
He doesn’t seem to pick up on my showing him or encouraging him to do more or less of certain things and now I feel like I’m shit in bed and have lost the little confidence that I had.
Sorry for the long rambling post - I’m not sure what I hope to get out of this - but any advice (other than Ltb) would be appreciated.

I'm not sure of the answer except maybe counselling? I have a sneaky suspicion though that he has a problem staying hard and maybe laying the blame at your door?

Thank you for replying. I have wondered if that's the case. It's definitely got more problematic over the last 2 years or so. I've tried not to make a big deal of it and told myself he's tired/ busy/ thinking about work etc etc but it's really getting me down as I don't feel desired/ wanted at all. I can't imagine he does either. I don't want either of us to feel like this for the next 30+ years!

Hi, I’m a guy and from what you describe I wonder is the problem is him. Maybe he is deflecting the fact that he is struggling to perform

Thank you signoftimes. If that is the case what would help?

A honest conversation I think. Don’t go in all guns blaming him but have an honest conversation that things are not good.

Agree what steps you can both make to improve it and see where the conversation or attempts by both of you lead. I think it will be evident quickly if it is him that has the problem, maybe you could gently mention it if conversation is going well. If so then doctors appointment to rule out anything medical and sex counsellor as an option.

Good luck and no matter where the issue lies, the key is to work through it together in my opinion

Thank you, I shall choose my moment and give it a try

I’m in a slightly different boat here (although on the same lake!) in that I started seeing a guy a couple of months ago who let me know that he’d had ED problems for about ten years. It’s not something I’ve had to deal with before.

Apart from this one thing, everything about him is perfect. We have lots in common, same sense of humour, fancy the pants off each other, similar ages - late 40’s. I am loathe to end this when everything else is just so good, and wanted to have a damn good try to help.

He has a problem, and it’s heart rending at times for him. It’s not his fault and I didn’t want to blame him or make things worse. The first thing I did was use the “we” word a lot - we can sort this out, I want us to be able to enjoy each other etc, to make him feel that it wasn’t a problem he was carrying on his own. I took penetrative sex off the table for a couple of months to take the pressure off, but intimacy, touching, kissing etc needed to carry on, which has really helped. I also made it clear that penetrative sex was t the be all and end all; mutual masturbation and oral was a big part of a healthy sex life.

We have had to be so honest with each other, both about the issue we have, and what we like in terms of of other stuff in the bedroom. We’ve gone from him not being able to get hard, to getting hard, to the odd wank to finishing point, to having sex probably one time in four attempts. It’s not perfect but it’s a hell of a much better time than it was. Important that you stress that’s a problem shared and to sort out together.