Don't want to be touched

[NearToCompletion]

Oh help. Name changed for this and not too sure what to do. Been with DH a long time. Had an OK sex life - not overly frequent (once or twice a month, but on the days we did could be multiple times that day) but when we DTD it was good. Communication probably our biggest problem but DH is very sweet and always wants to try and please me, I'm just awful at communicating what I want. And he isn't very assertive.

Anyway, in the past couple of months I have suddenly developed a real problem with being touched sexually. As in if DH goes anywhere near my boobs I have a strong physical reaction like a nasty electric shock, ill push him away and shout and then shudder and feel disgusting in myself. If he tries to touch anywhere around my lady bits I flinch and feel really uncomfortable, I feel all dry inside not turned on (sorry if TMI). I hate any kind of tickly touch or neck kissing or anything. Yet the bizarre bit is, I really crave cuddles and just to be held, and even nice gentle kisses but as soon as they get sexy and pushy I hate it.

I still very much find DH attractive and love him. There have been no traumatic sexual recent events (although I did have an emotionally abusive past and DH has often said I act as though I've experienced sexual abuse at some point, but I can't remember any). I can't even stand watching TV shows about sex, especially if there is any rape or forceful sex at all. Naked boobs particularly nipples make me shudder.

But it hasn't always been like this!

I feel so sorry for DH. We haven't done anything in months and I can't explain what's going on with me. Any help appreciated 🙏

OP,
You don't say how old you are, but it's possibly a menopause thing. My XW went through almost exactly the same thing. We could kiss & cuddle, but that was it.

We got divorced over it, because it didn't change..

I'd definitely reach out to your doctor. I'd also have a long talk with your DH, and explain what you are going through - something my xw didn't do.. Are you ok with touching him sexually, or is everything off the table?

It also might be worth talking to a sex therapist.

Good luck!

Thanks @AverageGuy . Sorry to hear that was the reason you & XW split, that does worry me. I think you're right that I at least owe it to him to try my best to talk to him, I'd be devestated if we split over this but I can't see it fixing itself easily. I'm not really at menopause age but not hugely far off, and there has been some history of early menopause in my family so could be worth speaking to a Dr. Thinking about it, any maternal instinct I have has also gone out like a lightswitch in the past year, so that I'm 100% certain having more kids is just incomprehensible to me when that has never been the case before. You asked if I could touch DH sexually - yes, I'd be OK with that but I don't because I know he'd want to reciprocate and I don't want to start something I can't finish. But perhaps he'd actually prefer that to nothing.

Op,
Thanks. I found out she was / is also prone to depression, which didn't help.

From my experience, communication is key. He is probably wondering what he has done wrong, and may well be feeling resentful.

You should absolutely sit him down and tell him. The sooner the better.

If you think you could "do things" for him, then tell him that, but tell him that no has to mean no, until you can work through this.

Definitely worth a visit to the doctor. What have you got to lose? I've heard that HRT can turn things around libido-wise, so it's got to be worth it, for your relationships sake.

I had problems with sex and sex related things shortly after our daughter was born, whereas previously it was never a problem. I allowed it to dwindle for some time, (whilst my husband felt unloved and thought I was no longer sexually attracted to him.) We sat down and he told me how he felt, at that point I told him I was feeling depressed, although I didn’t have full post natal depression, I had low moods for some time and loss of libido and didn’t like the idea of being touched sexually either. Anyway fast forward a few months, I felt better in myself, we took things gradually and were back to a normal sex life. If I can offer any advice, it would be to communicate and tell him how you feel and work together.