Erection question - Do men get them only when they find the woman attractive?

[Justaskingforafriendreally]

In the context of a relationship, does the man have to find the woman he is with attractive in order to get an erection?
I suppose what I’m asking is, is it virtually impossible for a man to get an erection if he is with a woman who he doesn’t find attractive? I.e. no other stimulation such as porn in the mix just him and her together.
Or can a man be with a woman he doesn’t find attractive and sort of conjur up stuff in his head to get him going?
If a man hasn’t had sex for a long time, is it likely he would get into a sexual relationship with almost any woman who is interested in him whether he fancies her or not?

I’m just curious to hear everyone’s viewpoints on this but especially from men.
BTW I know not every man and every woman thinks and acts the same and everyone is different so there is not one answer to each question.
It’s just something I’ve been thinking about recently mainly because of being in a relationship with a man who has erectile difficulties and I don’t have experience of any other relationships. I’m just trying to better understand this I suppose and learn from others experiences.

Please note I’m not trying to cause anyone any offence at all by starting this thread.
I have NC’d for this only because I don’t want to be linked to other posts I’ve written as it could be outing.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

From personal experience (as a man) i'd say a man has to find a woman a little bit attractive at least and this doesn't need to be a strictly physical attraction, although that form of attraction is often less complicated. That said, men tend to be much, much less fussy than women about who they find attractive and how much attraction is needed for them to have sex, and are usually more able to see it as 'just sex'. Thus, attraction often simply isn't as important. It's certainly quite easy for a man to get an erection when he knows he's about to have sex, even with a (conventionally speaking) not particularly attractive woman and especially if its a new partner.

Call me old fashioned if you like, but i'd say this comes down to evolution (primate/human males evolved to impregnate, whereas their female equivalents evolved to be selective).

Please note, this is all just me generalizing, specific exceptions certainly exist.

@TheWhalrus - Thank you for taking the time to post. What you say makes a lot of sense to me.
Re: Your point about a man getting an erection fairly easily just before he knows he’s about to have sex, can maintaining an erection be difficult if the man isn’t really that attracted to the woman?
Or is it possible to get lost in thoughts and maintain an erection that way?
I find my OH can get an erection at the beginning but can’t maintain so I automatically think it’s my fault, he doesn’t fancy me, I don’t do it for him, etc. But he can maintain and complete on his own with stimulation from porn quite easily.

I’d say porn can be novel visual stimulus so that might make a difference but there are just lot of difference being on your own or with a partner.
Touching yourself you know exactly how to to it, with a partner it might not always be exactly right and you might not want to give to much in the way of instructions also when having sex it will be a balance of positions that work for both of you.
Also on your own there is no pressure if your not always hard, with a partner you can get caught up worrying about it or worrying that they think you’re not into it or don’t find them attractive. Also with a partner If your concentrating on them you might not stay hard.
Attraction could be an issue but there is a lot more going on In guys heads.

A man can be with a woman whom he finds extremely attractive and yet not have an erection despite there being the prospect of sex. By the same token he can be with a woman he does not find in the least attractive, but have an erection because there is the prospect of sex. Those are the two opposite ends of the spectrum and there is an infinite number of points between them.

If your man has ED that is in no way an indicator of how attractive he finds you. He has ED and that is it - no more, no less, and please draw no inferences at all about what is going on in his head from the fact that his cock does not get hard. He has enough on his plate without being subjected to examination.

My goodness, it's unlikely to be you, OP! There are so many different reasons why a healthy, red-blooded man might lose his hard-on. To name just four that have affected me:

1. self-consciousness (crumbs, I need to shift this extra weight!);
2. partner has upset me;
3. hot room (my personal bete noir);
4. the lady has very small breasts (to me, kryptonite).

There will be many more. I've happily made love to women whom I did not consider my 'type', no problems, with exception of #4.

Ask the fella what you can do to 'stimulate' him! My goodness, there is no turn-on so powerful as a lady who is eager to please, and eager for you to please her!

It depends on so many things. As a young man I would get an erection all the time without thought. I had a period a few years back that I had trouble maintaining an erection and it turned out to be stress from my job. When I finished work there were not erection issues at all. Bear in mind that I have been married to the same person for 36 years and to me she is incredibly attractive and always has been. Therefore it was not her attractiveness but rather my own situation

hope that helps

Thank you all for your replies and perspectives.

Amen to that, @marchez!

Vive la difference!

1. self-consciousness (crumbs, I need to shift this extra weight!);
2. partner has upset me;
3. hot room (my personal bete noir);
4. the lady has very small breasts (to me, kryptonite).

There will be many more. I've happily made love to women whom I did not consider my 'type', no problems, with exception of #4.

You would lose an erection if the woman had small breasts?

I doubt very much if your partners problems are related to your atractiveness or otherwise.

Erections are to do with the flow of blood into the penis and hopefully staying there. Getting an erection and finishing oneself off with stimulation from porn is different because one is not having to attend to a partner’s needs, one can start the stimulation (wanking) immediately. Cock rings can help some men to prevent the blood flowing back out. Or next time he gets an erection go for PIV ASAP then get your pleasure after him.

It could be a psychological issue but could also be physical - issues with prostate, bladder, urethra, blood pressure. Does he have any other symptoms - going to loo more frequently especially during the night, needs to go quickly,, weak flow, unable to stop the flow part way through?

Unlikely to be you OP. The male appendage can be a funny and uncooperative little (sorry good sized) beast at the best of times.

When it's good it springs to attention more than a squaddie in a room full of officers.

When it's bad, stress or something on the mind, it's like a car with a dodgy part. All revs up and then cuts out. Mid journey. Occasionally you can tinker with it and kick it back into life, other times, nothing you do will work and then it's a wait for the AA.

Other times the journey is taking ages, you start to worry about if you're ever going to arrive so the motor says turn around and go home.

It won't be you OP. Just don't make a big deal out of it or that will get factored in next time and so on.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to post, I really appreciate it.
I just wanted to clarify that I’ve never made a big deal of the ED, I would not make unkind comments about it or anything like that. I have always accepted the ED and it is our normal. I certainly have never made him feel bad about it or gone on at him about it, I just wouldn’t do that.
Another poster asked about any physical issues, maybe with his prostate and everything in that sense seems to be fine. I’m the one who is up in the night spending a penny! I think it is a long standing psychological issue rather than physical.
I have been interested to hear of the many reasons men might have difficulty maintaining an erection. I think it’s just in my nature to assume it’s my fault because of my own insecurities about my attractiveness.

@Marriedtoapenguin - I liked your analogy, that’s a very good way to explain it!

I think it comes naturally so long as its female with a vagina lol

My best friend will shag anything and anyone. Attraction has never played a part. Few beers down him and any hole is a goal
Is the theme. It a woman shows any kind of interest he is up for it.

@Marriedtoapenguin

Unlikely to be you OP. The male appendage can be a funny and uncooperative little (sorry good sized) beast at the best of times.

When it's good it springs to attention more than a squaddie in a room full of officers.

When it's bad, stress or something on the mind, it's like a car with a dodgy part. All revs up and then cuts out. Mid journey. Occasionally you can tinker with it and kick it back into life, other times, nothing you do will work and then it's a wait for the AA.

Other times the journey is taking ages, you start to worry about if you're ever going to arrive so the motor says turn around and go home.

It won't be you OP. Just don't make a big deal out of it or that will get factored in next time and so on.

😂👌 Love the imagery ... won't forget that!!

@Marriedtoapenguin

Unlikely to be you OP. The male appendage can be a funny and uncooperative little (sorry good sized) beast at the best of times.

When it's good it springs to attention more than a squaddie in a room full of officers.

When it's bad, stress or something on the mind, it's like a car with a dodgy part. All revs up and then cuts out. Mid journey. Occasionally you can tinker with it and kick it back into life, other times, nothing you do will work and then it's a wait for the AA.

Other times the journey is taking ages, you start to worry about if you're ever going to arrive so the motor says turn around and go home.

It won't be you OP. Just don't make a big deal out of it or that will get factored in next time and so on.

There is no better way to explain it than this.

ime if a man masturbates too much (using porn for eg) then that can make an erection difficult to maintain when it is for real. No fault attached to woman at all. Laying off porn and masturbation will help, as would any of the well-known ED remedies available at a pharmacy near you...

I've been seeing a guy for a few months who has pretty bad ED problems. It was so bad at the start that I couldn't even get him hard with my hand. At first I thought it was me, but we had several heart-to-hearts about it. He suffered from severe performance anxiety when TTC children with his previous partner - got there eventually but it had a long-lasting psychological effect and contributed to the end of their marriage.

We're slowly improving. He's taking medication to help, but starting on a low dose in case of side effects. Hand jobs are now pretty successful (which gives me such a sense of achievement!) and he's been pretty bloody amazing from the start when it comes to giving me pleasure in other ways, which, in turn gives him a bit more confidence. We've managed to have penetrative sex several times - he's not ejaculated but it's definitely progress. I think the phrase that stuck out from one of your posts is "normal for us". That's a really good phrase and one that I'll definitely borrow. I think our current situation is "normal for us" and anything beyond that will be a bonus. We're middle aged and too old for kids, so anything we do in the bedroom will be purely for intimacy and pleasure.

The important thing is to be patient, not to worry that it's you, talk a lot, kiss a lot, and delve into your imagination a bit. You never know, you might make a bit of progress.

I dont think it matters tbh I'm transgender living full time as a woman and I wouldn't regard myself as attractive in the normal sense. Having said that the men I've been with admittedly only 3 have had no problem getting or maintaining an erection