Is female 'Death Grip' equivalent a thing?!

[mirandabella]

I’m 31 and have never orgasmed with a partner.

I can easily orgasm alone in a few minutes, and do regularly... but the only way I can do this is via rocking my clit against the bed / sheets, I can’t get there from using my fingers.

Because of this, I find it pretty difficult to direct men with what to do to please me, and I can’t rock against the bed during penetration in any position I can find! I do still enjoy sex and get really turned on - but I know DP would love to get me there with him, and I would too.

He’s getting me pretty close recently with his fingers, and is trying hard - but I’ve found when I get close it becomes really intense verging on painful - is this normal?! I don’t really get that on my own.

Is there anything I can do with this? More experimenting myself? I’m a bit worried that it’s the equivalent of a male ‘death grip’ and I’ll never be able to come any other way. Also think part of it might be being afraid of ‘letting go’ with someone else present. Any tips much appreciated!

If just rubbing up against bed sheets gets you off, sounds like opposite of death grip theory ( is it really a thing anyway?). Your level of sensitivity sounds like light pressure or brushing against is what you need, so your BF's best bet to start with would be to try and replicate that for you. Use of silky scalf on you maybe?

OP how do you react with oral?

Aside from that nobody understands a woman’s body better than its owner.

Try enjoying your own body with him holding you. Then take his hand and show him what to do.

Nothing to do with death grip, its him not knowing when and how to grip.

Aside from that nobody understands a woman’s body better than its owner

I wouldn't necessarily agree with that comment.

This is not death grip but you have become used to this sensation and are feeling self conscious so you probably aren’t very relaxed

I have 2 types of orgasms
One small one from the external stimulation stuff
One really big long one from a combination of internal and external.

You have to tell him what you like and experiment
What becomes painful?

@noego agree. My partner knows my body better then me haha

I'm not sure if you have it, but I do think it is a thing. There was a time when I would use a vibrator a few times a day and would get off really easily. Then with a partner it took really long time or not at all cause a partner cannot really do that ammount of pressure in a specific spot. I stopped using the toy for a while and it got better with a partner.

I think you should stop masturbating for a while and ttry different things with your partner. Toung, fingers being on top etc. or mutual masturbation.

My "experiences" are very different when I'm
alone vs with a partner .... on my own - minutes / with a partner - hours !!
But that is mainly due to my concentration levels and my surroundings; music, lighting, thinking about that I look like 😬

Maybe we need to relax a little more and just show them but I doubt they will ever be exactly the same ;-)

OP it sounds like you need a different kind of stimulation - a broad flat even pressure rather than really focussed. A flat palm rocking, or you grinding against it, is more likely to work for you.

I’m another one who does it that way but I lie on my front and grind against my palm. Maybe google the “prone bone” position and see if that works, with his hand between your legs instead of grinding against the sheets ?

Ime change your mindset from 'can only orgasm alone' to 'have only been able to until now' .
Dh has ways I have never experienced despite thinking he never would!!

Doesn't on top seem like your preferred method?

Thanks all!

Just as an update - I tried your idea @SweatyBetty20, and with some initial frustration and perseverance - and I've now climaxed twice this way, alone - lying on my front, grinding into two fingers with quite strong pressure. This is WAY more intense with fingers than I've experienced before just with the sheets.

I guess this has massively helped me with the mindset @Feralkidsatthecampsite has alluded to! My block before was that I didn't think I could orgasm with anyone else, OR in a different way. Now I've surprised myself, I'm feeling more positive!

And I'll try to see if I can achieve similar results now keeping myself still (ish) and moving my fingers, rather than grinding against my fingers while they're still. Assume if I can do that, I can teach bf, or try while on top, etc.

@fuckingcovid - not really at the moment, as I can't grind at the best angle for my clit while he's inside me, and I haven't mastered using my own fingers yet... though imagine once I can, yes it will!

And @StarlightLady - I've never really given oral a chance I guess. Feel immediately super self conscious, and any time any bf has ever tried I've pulled them back up very quickly!

I could have written this! I have no problem orgasming alone but with any partner it's a total struggle and only my current BF has actually made me Cum but it isn't every time and quite frankly it's getting frustrating...

Have you heard of OMG Yes? I googled once and that came up (no pun intended lol) but it's a pay per view type of help and shows how other woman pleasure themselves and tips for partners.

Anyway I will keep trying different things too and will watch this thread for anymore advise x

I can’t orgasm if I’m too in my head, I think it’s about fully relaxing and letting go and this is easier to achieve on your own than with company. Thankfully my partner and I know each other very well and I come everytime (usually multiple times). It sounds like he is doing things the wrong way for you, perhaps too hard and fast on your clit (I’ve had to teach my husband that actually torturously slow can get me off far more quickly). Keep experimenting, tell him when things feel good or not etc. And try really hard to relax!

The thing I've found difficult with a current partner, is that it takes me much longer with him because he's quite gentle - and I got self-conscious that I was taking too long, and that he would get bored, so I would stop it.

We had a good talk eventually, where he basically said he would never do anything he didn't want to do and I should just relax. if he was carrying on, it's because he wanted to. I do sometimes end it if i feel like i'm not going to come that way, but I've definitely been able to relax and just enjoy it since - and have orgasmed much more this way since (through oral...i find digital stimulation quite difficult, because i need quite a lot of pressure. the opposite to you, i guess).

I am a grinder too, never really done it any other way until recently.

Things that have worked to make me orgasm...

Simply having my partner rub against me (him on top) but not inside me.

A basic bullet vibe.. he can use it on me or I can use it on me whilst he’s inside me, though this might be too intense for you to begin with.

Slow tantric sex, lots of teasing, going slowly.

I think the most important thing is being relaxed and comfortable with your partner, also not being afraid of what your body’s doing. The pain may just be pleasure but very intense?

There's a sex position which I find never fails to result in orgasm - you and your partner start off in Spoons position, then you swivel onto your back and put one leg between his legs and your other leg above his leg resting on his hip, all the while your partner remains on his side (so his upper leg is between your legs). This position gives really deep penetration, masses of stimulation to your area and better access for him to your boobs. It is the best position I've found for orgasm, it ticks every box, and even better with a bit of lube if you need it - give it a try, it might work for you.

I think op mentioned death grip in the sense it’s used as a criticism against men too used to wanking to orgasm and being useless at normal sex because of this. Of course lots of women are the same but with other forms of stimulation.

@BubblyBarbara Yeah, that's exactly the parallel I was drawing - that I can climax myself really easily via a certain, pretty prescriptive method, and I'm not sure if having done that for so many years now has / is prohibiting me from climaxing in other ways with a partner?

@Lovemusic33 I think this is probably right, the pain / pleasure thing is a fine line! It is just like an intense pleasure that becomes uncomfortably intense, particularly when it's not building to a release and just remains constant? I think me suggesting using a vibe would make him a little insecure at present - rubbing against him might be a good idea though! And then something to add in once we've got there a few times ourselves?

@wishfuldreamer This is definitely me too! I used to skip quite a bit of foreplay as I felt I was taking too long and not really achieving much. It's only been recently, as I've got more comfortable with DP and he's been more insistent about concentrating on me, that I've actually realised how worked up he can make me. It's just the self-consciousness that's been the problem over the years - this is 1000% why I don't like receiving oral! Too self conscious, and feel I take too long and never climax anyway, so end up just uncomfortable from the get go.

@cosmicbabe - I've subscribed to OMGYes this week! I heard Emma Watson talking about it before but the cost has always put me off. I figured it would be worth the one off cost it if it helped. I think it's actually a fantastic resource, and really well put together - I just wish I'd used it years ago!! I feel like it's easier to experiment from scratch than try to re-train yourself to respond to different types of stimulation that the tried and tested method you're used to, so a lot of it, while interesting, would be difficult to work for me I think. The particular section I really resonated with was consistency - I think it's probably similar to some guys with oral, where some women really need to keep the rythym, speed, and consistency. I think for me rocking my hips instead of moving my fingers gives that consistency of movement and speed that is more difficult to achieve laying still and moving your fingers? At least it helps understand better what I need to try and replicate, and to know that I'm not actually that bizarre!

I'll give that one a go @Magicpaintbrush!

[quote mirandabella]@BubblyBarbara Yeah, that's exactly the parallel I was drawing - that I can climax myself really easily via a certain, pretty prescriptive method, and I'm not sure if having done that for so many years now has / is prohibiting me from climaxing in other ways with a partner?

@Lovemusic33 I think this is probably right, the pain / pleasure thing is a fine line! It is just like an intense pleasure that becomes uncomfortably intense, particularly when it's not building to a release and just remains constant? I think me suggesting using a vibe would make him a little insecure at present - rubbing against him might be a good idea though! And then something to add in once we've got there a few times ourselves?

@wishfuldreamer This is definitely me too! I used to skip quite a bit of foreplay as I felt I was taking too long and not really achieving much. It's only been recently, as I've got more comfortable with DP and he's been more insistent about concentrating on me, that I've actually realised how worked up he can make me. It's just the self-consciousness that's been the problem over the years - this is 1000% why I don't like receiving oral! Too self conscious, and feel I take too long and never climax anyway, so end up just uncomfortable from the get go.

@cosmicbabe - I've subscribed to OMGYes this week! I heard Emma Watson talking about it before but the cost has always put me off. I figured it would be worth the one off cost it if it helped. I think it's actually a fantastic resource, and really well put together - I just wish I'd used it years ago!! I feel like it's easier to experiment from scratch than try to re-train yourself to respond to different types of stimulation that the tried and tested method you're used to, so a lot of it, while interesting, would be difficult to work for me I think. The particular section I really resonated with was consistency - I think it's probably similar to some guys with oral, where some women really need to keep the rythym, speed, and consistency. I think for me rocking my hips instead of moving my fingers gives that consistency of movement and speed that is more difficult to achieve laying still and moving your fingers? At least it helps understand better what I need to try and replicate, and to know that I'm not actually that bizarre!

I'll give that one a go @Magicpaintbrush![/quote]
Ooh I wonder if I should subscribe now. There's also another one called Climax or something. Cx

Magic we like that position too for all the same reasons - DP calls it the Lazy Man's position