Help think ive just ruined my relationship by asking for oral....

[Stealthynamechange]

Dp & i have been together a year, i love him can see a future together, hes a great man. But i rarely orgasm. I FINALLY womaned up this morning after we had sex he was saying its amazing, i said its better for you than me & talked about how i do things for you (oral) that you never do for me, i asked if it is me & my body. He said its not, he just doesnt normally do that, sorry. He then asked if this is selfish, i said yes. He said hes sorry i feel like that, i told him i still enjoy having sex with him.
It now feels weird & im worried that ive broken us by being selfish. Gah! Words of wisdom please, i dont want this to be an issue for us.

Just to add i dont want him to do anything he isnt comfy with.

I'm sure you're going to get lots of replies on this but asking for oral isn't being selfish and well done you for speaking up.

Can you see yourself in a long term relationship where you are unfulfilled especially when you know what your body is capable of 🤷‍♀️

I was with a guy who didn't like to do it - I felt like the sex was very one sided but I liked him so i let it go .... it didn't last.

I then got with a guy who loves to please me and knows exactly what he's doing and it's amazing !!!! It definitely makes for a better sexual relationship when you are both being satisfied xx

First of all, it is not selfish to ask for things you like in bed. It’s normal. Most people enjoy the sensation of an orgasm and want to have one. That’s normal too.

If he doesn’t like doing oral, that’s his choice. However, if you find it difficult to orgasm without it, your choice is either to accept that orgasms will be infrequent in your current relationship or find a new one.

Does he make an effort to pleasure you in other ways? Fingers? Toys?

Not selfish at all. I wouldn’t have sex with someone who wouldn’t do oral. That is a conversation before crossing the threshold into the bedroom.

I guess if he doesn't want to do oral then that is his right and should be respected. However, that doesn't give him a free pass. If he won't give you oral then the onus is on him to find other ways that ensure you are satisfied in bed. If he is not prepared to do that then he is selfish and you'd be a mug to settle for that. Please don't be one of those poor women who spends their life faking orgasm for the sake of their partner's ego. If you are not getting your rocks off through PIV alone, and most women don't, then he shouldn't be shielded from that and needs to step up. It's not all about him and his pleasure.

Hey OP, you're not selfish, it's not like you demanded it and had a strop or anything, but good for you for bringing it up. Thing is if he's not willing to do oral (and even if he did do it no guarantee it would be good anyway) he should be making sure he's damn good at pleasing you in other ways.

I've been in your shoes and the guy didn't go down and was crap with his hands too and I got bored very quickly, but put up with it because I liked him.

If he's not going to go down then I'd be asking him to research other ways to get you off. If a guy is really good with his hands I wouldn't be as fussed about oral. But he sounds like he's just lazy and unskilled???

*research independently and ask you of course!

I take a slightly different line. In a loving relationship it's always a good idea to be gentle when it comes to talking each other's sexual preferences. You may (or may not) need been to apologise for how you expressed your preference.

In general, if you make it known that you would really like to receive oral from him because you expect it would feel great then there are two possible outcomes. Either he decides to give it a go in which case you are happy. Or he just ignores it in which case you will probably have to end the relationship. But there is no need to make him feel bad about it . Everyone is allowed to say yes or no to whatever they want or don't want.

If there is anything you haven't done together that he would enjoy you could always use that as a reciprocal offer. If you already swallow his cum then he has a legal obligation to give you oral of course :)

Firstly, you were not being selfish. But I’m surprised the issue took a year to come up! From what you’ve said here it’s possible his ego could be a little dented, mine would be if someone said “it’s better for you than me”.
Maybe he’s got hang ups about giving oral and hasn’t given it a try, maybe he doesn’t like it and never will. How have things been since this chat, do you think he would at least give it a try?
Has he ever given you oral?
I’m all for people respecting others boundaries but if he’s receiving them it doesn’t seem right that he won’t at least try giving.

I think the fact you’ve not been having great sex at all as you’ve hardly orgasmed for a YEAR might be more likely to break the relationship than you asking for oral- he will be hurt and ashamed that he assumed it was good (have you pretended to come? Has he just not noticed?) and he might wonder what else he has missed or that you’ve hidden.

Thanks everyone, sorry for the late responses.

We have talked & had more sex, he says he worries its not good enough for me. He worries he doesnt last long enough and is working on it. Ive told him i dont care how long he lasts for, just need more foreplay... he is putting more effort in. I think hes a good looking man, younger than me & no one has ever talked to him about sex before, i think he relied on his looks & fitness tbh. I said that we are good at talking about everything other than sex, he agrees & we are going to try to communicate more.

Still no oral though - im hoping one day he'll try it. !

& yes im being gentle with him, im not being critical, just trying to guide him in the right direction ...

Your relationship sounds very sexually one sided, with you probably doing all the work.
If he does not like giving you oral, I hope he is not asking you for it...it works both ways.
Do you think it is actual distaste or laziness?

If I don't receive, I don't give, and that is a slippery slope to the end. Depends in this case, maybe he's young and just hasn't bothered to try yet so will in time, just ask him his feelings around it as part of your plan for open discussion.