He can't stay hard

[nightswimmer80]

So, the problem is in the title really, my fiance has trouble keeping an erection a lot of the time. We would like to use condoms and have very thin ones but that's been out of the question for about eighteen months as this has been going on for at least this long.

We tried sex yesterday afternoon which for both of us is the best time of the day, but as soon as he got hard within a few seconds he went soft. We eventually decided to give up, I gave him a back rub for a while then we had a cuddle then oddly, he got hard and we managed to have sex! It probably lasted between five and ten minutes before he came. He had tests done not long ago which were all ok, so it is in the mind it would seem.

Has anyone any tips, ideas how to improve/solve this as its very frustrating for both of us. He is 47 so not exactly ancient!

Have you tried viagra?

Sounds psychological rather than plumbing..

@arnoldthecat agreed.

This sounds psychological. Have you discussed what turns each other on and regularly communicate about sex?

There's a load of things that can affect a man's erection. Viagra/cialis (and their generic forms) can help, but not needed if it's just in the head.

Being relaxed is a huge factor. The back rub, taking your time, sounds like a good example of that! I know it helps me a lot too. The good news with psychological affected sex, is that once you build up a head of steam, there are a lot less problems.

Good luck.

From my experience once those voices of failure kick in things turn floppy. A lot of it is in the head but gravity is the enemy. If the man is laying on his back then blood drains down. Stick to positions where man is on top or standing and you have a better chance of keeping blood where you want it

Erections are about the flow of blood to the penis, and it can also flow back out. Opposite to the above posts, and especially given your description of events, I would suggest the issue is in the “plumbing” rather than the brain, but yes, once there has been a problem it can play on the mind. One way of stopping the blood flowing back out is a penis ring, and to make it more fun you could even try a vibrating one?

When you say you’ve had tests done what were they for? Main reasons for failure to get or maintain erections, but not exclusive, will be low blood pressure and/or medications to solve it, prostate issues - enlarged prostate or even prostate cancer - or bladder issues - the bladder is next to the prostate. Does he get up to pee during the night?

My similar issue was caused by an enlarged prostate and the ED drugs helped. Because I could get an erection and the trouble was being to maintain it I can take the tablet as late as when we start feeling the mood. Viagra/sildenafil is quite quick reacting but can wear off if not put to use within a couple of hours. Cialis/tadalfil lasts much longer, I can take one before my morning shower and it is still effective late afternoon.

If the previous tests weren’t specifically for blood pressure or prostate I would ask again.

Thanks for the replies! Yes, tried Viagra as a bloke from his work gave him a couple to try. didn't seem much different to be honest, he stayed hard and we actually were able to use a condom so no mess which was good. But once he'd come that was it, no seconds as I've read on here happens for other men.

We always do it with him on top as several other positions don't work, if I go on top he goes to sleep!! and also when I've tried oral on him he goes soft, he's never come when I've done that.

I'm sure we tried a penis ring some years ago but it didn't work, and he said it was painful so no go there.

The blood tests he had done were for testosterone which was normal. He should be pretty healthy as he's never smoked and doesn't drink and is not on any medication for anything, also eats fairly healthily.

It may be that we both are not experienced and have waited a long time for sex then when it's finally happening it's a huge disappointment, he said he almost dreads doing it (only once a week max)!

I think the fact that you are his first making suggest it is nerves and performance anxiety. Doing stuff with no pressure of PIV such as massage may help and progress gradually?

All men and their penises are different, ability to have more than one erection/ejaculation per session and recovery (refraction) times vary greatly. And does lessen with age. There is a recent thread about how many times can you man come which turned into a bit of a brag-fest, don’t go by that, there were also a few who said once and that’s it.

The fact that you are both communicating and committed to resolving the issue will be a great help to him especially if it is stage fright issue rather than the plumbing.

If it helps, I had a partner that we struggled with using condoms. I felt I didn't do it for him, as he used to get hard quickly, then soft just as quick. we tried lots of brands of condoms. He was larger than average so I think that didn't help me relax at the start.

We took it easy and no pressure and ended up having a fantastic sex life.
How I miss it! (

@nightswimmer80

How old are you both for a start?
Has he had a checkup with a doctor to rule out any medical problems?

After that, take the pressure of sex away and start doing massages both way for each other. If the person giving the massage likes touching places as part of it, then do so and make the person receiving enjoy it.
For you...perhaps give DP a massage. Start face down and maybe wear some nice lingerie but focus on the massage. Go near some intimate places but don't touch yet. Don't give any expectation of sex or anything...focus on relaxing him and enjoying it. After maybe 20-30 mins, turn him over and massage his front. Again, go near intimate areas but don't touch.

If you think he wants ..perhaps he has got hard, you want to then perhaps start going nearer and touching his balls and move into his cock. If he is hard and stays so then perhaps take him to a happy ending or suck him until he orgasms.

Doing this will perhaps start taking the tension and pressure out of things. Keep doing it but over time develop it becoming more sexual earlier...like brushing your boobs in his face when he is laying on his back. Eventually the pressure and tension should become a thing of the past

Good luck and hope you work things out.

My DH has erectile dysfunction. It is caused by his anxiety and stress, so the problem is mostly in his mind. I know that he does his best to improve his men's health (he does sports, changed nutrition, sleeps well), but still he has to take pills now and then. Though it is easy to find out about Viagra online, such medications should be prescribed only by a doctor.

There are different size penis rings should u feel like trying that route again.