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Where am I going wrong? *possible trigger sexual assault mentioned*

2 replies

OfTheNight · 16/07/2020 08:26

Ok for background, my partner is 5 years younger than me. Despite this he is a lot more sexually experienced than I am. I left an abusive relationship before we got together, and when I was younger I experienced a serious sexual assault.. He is lovely, 100% supportive, helps at home, fab step dad, works hard, very affectionate and (pre covid) always organising romantic dates.

Unfortunately our sex life is not great. Like most couples we started out all over each other but that has really dropped off. Despite my past experiences I have a high sex drive and really enjoy the closeness so before Christmas I talked to him about it and he said he was really tired with work, so we (and I know this sounds awful) we decided to drop spontaneous sex (me pouncing on him) and have a more scheduled approach, so he could pick days when he wasn’t so tired. We started out with 3 days, then 2, then 1.

I explained above that he is a lot more experienced than me. I know this because we were friends for a few years before we were together. I also met his ex fiancé once and she drunkenly told me about their very adventurous sex life (this was prior to me and DP getting together, it was a completely accidental meeting and she was extremely pissed).

With me he only does missionary. It doesn’t last very long. Despite having only slept with 4 men (I’m 38) I’ve enjoyed some relationships where we’ve tried different things such as different positions, dressing up, being tied up etc. I know with my history that might seem weird and I’ve had lots of counselling.

I suggest trying different fun sexy things to DP but he isn’t interested. I buy really nice underwear still, I shave and take care of myself. I’ve put a little weight on but I don’t think I’m grotesque.

Now he is even turning down the scheduled sex. Or worse he stops in the middle of it and says he’s too tired. He blames it on working from home, my little boy getting up (I do all the wake ups and when my little boy is here I get up early with him and leave DP in bed, he sleeps in til about 8:30), me having a nightmare (once in 2 years).

I’m feeling really shit. I tried to talk to him about it but he got upset and said he didn’t want to talk about it. He said sex calmed down and that’s what happens in a relationship. I said it didn’t have to and that I’m more crazy about him than ever. But he just said he didn’t want to talk anymore.

Why did he have such a colourful sex life before me? Is he just bored of me maybe? Am I shit in bed? Has he gone off me? Is it my history that’s put him off? He says not and he’s just tired. He was so upset I’ve agreed to not ask him if we can have sex anymore and I’ll leave it up to him. He seemed very relieved at this idea. This now means we have sex about once a month on a Sunday.

I feel so rejected. He tells me he loves me and does so many sweet and affectionate things. I just don’t know how to rekindle our sex life.

I’m sorry this is so long. I don’t have any real life people to discuss it with. Please don’t say I have to leave him because I really love him and this is the best relationship I’ve ever had. We laugh a lot together and enjoy each other’s company. I know he’s not cheating and there’s no other issues at play. I’m so confused and sad that he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. His ex was stunning and the complete opposite of me so I’m negatively (secretly) comparing myself all the time and I’m sure the problem must be that I’m boring and not attractive enough. Can anyone advise how I can improve?

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Gardening1 · 17/07/2020 18:32

It won't be you being boring or not attractive enough, he loves you and is a great partner in lots of other ways so I won't say you should leave him either!

I think lots of people have found lockdown emotionally really difficult and that can mean people have lost their sex drive.

Is the sex good for both of you when you do have sex? Dometimes men can be put off by the pressure of sex if they have any problems with erections or ejaculation etc so having scheduled 'alone time' with no expectation for sex but just kissing and closeness could help?

Smile

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OfTheNight · 19/07/2020 21:47

He says there’s no issues with his erection and just says he’s tired. Sex is nice when we have it, not earth shattering but he’s very loving.

I don’t know maybe I’m weird wanting to have sex so much. Ideally I’d like it 2/3 times a week. But he’s just not interested in the slightest. He kisses and cuddles me a lot but it never seems to turn him on or anything, so I’m guessing me being fat/not very pretty must be a factor.

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