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Original poster

How not to take feedback during BJ as criticism

44 replies

IvyMayaZ · 13/07/2020 10:27

I started dating a guy after my failed marriage. My confidence is not the best - I gained a lot of weight. However, I think I’m really good in bed. I started seeing a new guy and he loves to give feedback in bed (we are into BDSM so I understand he likes to be in control). But it’s getting to the point when I’m worried what I’ll do wrong. Every time I give him blow jobs/hand jobs he starts navigating my hands and fixing their position. Now he just sent me a message - article with blow job tips... I like that he knows what he likes and I want to learn him. However I’m not sure how to not take it personally. I’m kind of dreading another blow job As I feel like I’m just terrible and can’t get it. (I’m 31) thank you for advice.

OP posts:

GumCarrageenan · 14/07/2020 17:09

What said was there are some things I like that you currently don't do. And a couple of things you do that are a little frustrating as they prevent you from doing the things I like...

OP after carefully reading your post, I think there's a few questions you should ask yourself and hopefully will help you figure what to do.

For starters, how long have you know this new guy?

Did you ask him what things he likes that you don't do?

What is it you do that he finds frustrating?

Does he pleasure you during sex or is it a one-way street for him?

Is he selfishly putting his pleasure above yours?
The last two also fall into the realm of "knowing you" too.
Having had some experience in BDSM relationships, I know effective communication is key but also be on your guard not to be used by some controlling arsehole who thinks of himself as a Dom. They are out in abundance so take time to figure things out before it's late

sammylady37 · 14/07/2020 20:24

This is not BDSM, this is him being a patronising prick.

TomNook · 15/07/2020 07:37

lol at the asterisk

MiffedMuch78 · 15/07/2020 09:36

I'd be totally ok with that, the same as I'm happy to lead my OH's hand or set the pace when I'm receiving oral/fingers!

I'd rather have guidance and get it right so I can get the money shot than be part the reason for him potentially losing wood!

rwalker · 15/07/2020 21:39

mmmm well call me lazy but love it when partner tells me what they want .
But fuck that sounds more like a trip advisor review.

Chootchoot · 16/07/2020 08:35

Tell him he can book a formal Performance Management interview with you once every three months and give him a fake list of your own then. Add lots of esoteric things like dust your nipples with a purple feather, wear latex socks on Thursdays and give him a taste of his own medicine.

MrsWhites · 16/07/2020 13:58

**mmmm well call me lazy but love it when partner tells me what they want .
But fuck that sounds more like a trip advisor review.

This!!

I also enjoy a bit of feedback or being told what to do but my god...perhaps you should give him a feedback form next time!

He’d give me the ick...no-one that condescending could be sexy surely!

Palavah · 12/08/2020 07:17

How is he with you generally. Feedback is useful but I agree with the tripadvisor review.

I take it he didn't start by asking for feedback on his techique or asking you whar you would like him to do that he doesn't? How much effort is he putting into finding out what you like and doing it?

Tryalittletenderness · 12/08/2020 19:48

He can “F”.... “R”.... Off ...

mumofthree1993 · 12/08/2020 21:58

Personally I would be annoyed that he's decided to send you an article rather then speak to you in person. Maybe he didn't want to in person or was embarrassed to but you've both seen eachother naked so there shouldn't be a problem

tinkerbellx · 12/08/2020 22:33

You deserve so much more tell him to do one .

Mamabear1990 · 14/08/2020 03:57

Hmm that's tough. It isn't sexy to feel like you've been frustrating someone rather than pleasing them. So I can see why your confidence has taken a knock. But i don't think he's being controlling, I think he's just telling you something that could make things even better for him.
Every guy is so different, some guys are sensitive in certain places, others aren't at all. Maybe he finds it easier to come doing it the way he's trying to tell you.

Eesha · 14/08/2020 06:22

I think he's just pointing you in the right direction to make things better. Ok it's not very subtle but it's great to improve ones techniques!

CruCru · 14/08/2020 17:33

Honestly? Good sex is where you both have a nice time and come away feeling good about what went on. It doesn’t sound as though you feel good about this - that is important.

Sending someone an email about this is deeply weird. If I was being charitable I could say that he is an incredibly picky erotic connoisseur. However, I think it is more that he is a bit odd. If you stay together, is he going to keep sending you emails like this?

It might be reasonable to tell him that his email hasn’t made you feel good about your time together. In your position, it would make me feel far more inhibited.

Nosuchluck · 26/08/2020 15:01

I’d bin him, he sounds odd.

GilbertMarkham · 27/08/2020 10:41

And what's he like at oral on you?
Perfection I suppose?

Why is it all about you being trained and corrected and sitting some kind of test on giving him a blow job?

How bout he gives you oral and he's subject to assessment and improvement etc.?

Or is that not how it works in this "BDSM" relationship? How very convenient for him.

In my experience BDSM just means abusive/unequal in so many cases.

So many abusers masquerading as "Doms".

bumhead · 27/08/2020 19:39

Oh just tell him to fuck off!
Sex shouldn't be this hard work!
Also remember going forward this is just him, don't let him erode your confidence with men in the future. I'm willing to bet there is nothing wrong with your technique

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 18/09/2020 10:18

A bit of “slowly” “gently“ etc when you’re at the point of no return, fine. A trip advisor review listing where you’re going wrong and how you can improve, fuck that shit.

Sometimes my DP will day afterwards “I don’t know what you were doing there but it was amazing” and I jokily reply “I put it my mouth”. There are apparently many variables that take it from a 9.999/10 to a 10/10 but he should be grateful to be getting anything out of 10. They don’t call it a job for nothing.

Ablackrussian · 20/09/2020 09:46

I don't know a lot about BDSM? Are the messages purposely meant to demean you (as in role play)?

Regarding him not criticising you:

And, you'll notice, I haven't said what you are doing is bad. What said was there are some things I like that you currently don't do. And a couple of things you do that are a little frustrating as they prevent you from doing the things I like...

That's a criticism.

Are you seriously going to carry on seeing him after that message?

If it's a purely Fwb/sexual r'ship, fair enough. But if it isn't, I'd be running for the hills.

And of course you're going to be nervous seeing him again, he's just critiqued your sexual performance: telling you all the bits you are doing wrong.

First, it'll be the blowjobs, then it'll be the way you fuck, then it'll be the way you look, then it'll be the weight..

Listen to your gut! If you thought what he was saying was justified, why would you be feeling nervous at the prospect of another sexual encounter?

I hope I'm wrong.

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