Vanilla?

[Lovemusic33]

What would you describe as Vanilla? Is it ok to be vanilla?
Been dating in and off since leaving dh 5 years ago, have had a few sexual relationships, have tried most things and know what I do and don’t like. Have suffered abuse in the past so I like to be in control and not to do things I feel uncomfortable with. I’m now worrying that I’m vanilla (or not adventurous) and after reading threads i here it seems a lot of people are doing anal, pegging, rimming etc..., do men expect women to do these things? I know that it’s ok to say ‘no’ but I’m worried men will see me as boring.

So what would you call vanilla?

Opinions vary.
For some, vanilla would mean only sex in the missionary position.
For others, vanilla would mean more activities involving two naked people including oral sex.

I'm fairly expert in some fetish play (e.g. rope bondage) but I've never had anal sex. For others would be the reverse. Who is more 'vanilla'?

www.vice.com/en_us/article/vbw3bj/when-it-comes-to-vanilla-sex-kink-no-two-people-taste-the-same-flavor

Thank you water ,I think I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable due to the guy I’m dating liking things that I don’t even want to try, I don’t think we are going to be compatible in the bedroom because I can’t do the things he enjoys doing. I have tried most things and I know what I do and don’t like, of course maybe in time when I feel comfortable with someone I may try different things but I know for a fact I don’t like anal and I don’t want to go near any mans bum hole.

Don’t ever feel bad about not being crazy adventurous. Just go with what you enjoy, and if it’s vanilla that’s fine.

Always fine to say no, in this case sounds like your desires would be incompatible.

For me, vanilla is sex in the 3 holes.

Non vanilla, is kink stuff like S & M, watersports etc.

I’m worried men will see me as boring.

Then they're wankers or not the right men for you.

The trick is to try and stop seeing sex as performative I think- that's what I've been trying to do recently. You're not doing it to impress. Depending on what you want (it sounds like you do want a relationship) sex is just an expression of you.

Imagine that stuff you do for 'performative' sex, at the start of a relationship, to impress. Now imagine your partner will expect that level of effort put in for life. No way! So it's better to just be yourself.

Even for 'just sex' - putting in massive amounts of effort is exhausting and probably not as pleasurable as doing only what you 100% feel like.

I think I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable due to the guy I’m dating liking things that I don’t even want to try

If he's a decent, normal guy he'll also be happy with 'just' the 'normal' things or whatever you're happy with, if you're the right person for him in yourself. xxx If he needs something extra, 'butt stuff' etc to get off, he'll just have to jog on.

Thank you, guess I’m feeling a bit inadequate with this man I’m dating, I have spoken to him and told him I don’t feel comfortable with the things he likes to do and I don’t feel we are compatible. I don’t think I will ever feel I can pleasure him and make him happy because he’s pleasered by things I don’t want to do. I feel that I will never be good enough even though he says I am.
Sex is really important to me in a relationship, I have a high sex drive but if made to feel uncomfortable this can change to me not wanting to do it at all, I want to be with someone who enjoys sex in the way that I do and someone I have a good connection with in bed.

I think for him annal fun is a big part of sex, mainly him receiving and that doesn’t make me feel comfortable.

I feel gutted in a way as we get in great but it’s kind of a deal breaker for me.

It should be a dealbreaker for you. Don't do anything you don't want to do. xxx

Just want to make it clear that he hasn’t made me do anything I feel uncomfortable with, we haven’t done much at all really but when we talk the first thing he ever mentions is anal play (me giving to him). I have now told him I’m not comfortable doing that and he has said that’s ok but I just feel that it’s a big thing for him that he enjoys and I don’t so I can’t see how it will work.

Were you forced in to trying most things? Trying something on your own terms and being coerced produce very different outcomes. Who you are doing it with plays a big part in what you are able to enjoy. Don't let past bad experiences ruin potential good ones in the future. Just find the right person and the rest is gravy. Easier said than done, I know.

I think it’s important to be open and communicative with each other about this. Realistically, if this is a kink of his or something that particularly gets him off, and you aren’t at all interested then yes - somewhere along the line it is very likely to become an issue in your sex life.

That doesn’t mean you’re “boring”, it jut means you may not be sexually compatible, in the same way as if one or the other of you didn’t like and refused to do something very traditional or standard that the other really enjoyed. “Vanilla” is a red herring.

Nat he hasn’t been forceful, I haven’t done much with him at all as he seems to be having some issues, I’m now thinking it’s because he can only get pleasure from anal play. We sext a lot and it’s something he brings up a lot and keeps asking if I would do these things, I have been honest and have said “no”. He also keeps asking me what things I would like to try that I haven’t done before. I have tried most things and know that I don’t like anything bottom related, it’s not something I enjoy and not something I like doing to others but have said that it does depend on how comfortable I am with someone to what I want to experiment with. I just have no desire to use toys in his bottom or do pegging. I guess I have got to an age where I have done a lot but know what I enjoy and what I want. I’m sure there are kinks that I have that he would not agree to. I feel he’s putting a lot of pressure in me to discus sex when I’m not really ready too when he can’t even seem to manage basic stuff that I enjoy.

I’m definately vanilla I think.

Everyone likes different things and no it probably won’t work if he wants things sexually that are different to what you are comfortable with.

Hell would freeze over before I did some of the arse related things suggested on here; anal penetration, rimming, trombone etc 🤢 but others do and like it and that’s fine.

Don’t do anything you are t comfortable with

If you don't want to do butt stuff, then you absolutely don't have to do it. That doesn't make you vanilla, that just means you're confident enough to set some limits.

If he's a genuine guy he'll accept you for who you are and compromise or be honest about the incompatibility.

Just a suggestion if I may..? If he specifically enjoys prostate massage you can do that externally. You can exert quite a lot of hard pressure on the perineum (either knuckles or fingertips moving in a figure of eight) and he might find that just as pleasurable.

personally I absolutely detest the term vanilla. So often used as an insult.

You like what you like. Anal does nothing for me and I’m a bloke so supposed to fantasise about it 25 hours a day. I wouldn't rim someone if it allowed me to have sex with the last woman on earth.

Not really that interested in tying someone up - all those bloody knots!

Maybe that makes me boring as hell but ive been with someone equally as boring for 27 years so it don't really matter!

But i think you’re right - You’ll always feel as if you’re not as good in bed as previous lovers if you don't do things he really likes in bed. You’re not wrong to think like that either.

Nothing wrong with being vanilla, I’m vanilla, do handsy, oral and penetrative sex, nothing remotely wild or unusual and zero interest in changing that.

I’m sure lots of people have things their partner won’t do that they enjoy and vice versa, but a partner shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it/have it constantly mentioned to coerce them into it.

Oh Christ. It's not a competition! I really dislike the pompous way some people say the word 'vanilla' about sex.

Would it matter to you if men expect women to do certain things, as you were asking? Would you do those things? Just because they expect them, doesn't mean they're right. It just means it's been normalised for them.

I have always thought of myself as vanilla. The thought of anal on either of us made me feel quite ill.
But, I've since met a wonderful man and things have just progressed naturally, I absolutely love playing with his arse, using my finger, and having now tried anal sex, I love that too. Bit would never do anything I wasn't happy with x

I wouldn't do bum stuff to any man but I don't mind receiving attention in that area and it is a big turn on for DP - I think he is disappointed he won't get anything back but equally if he didn't do it to me I wouldn't be bothered.

changeofname that’s exactly how I feel about it 🤢

I have decided to end things with him, not just because of this but due to many other red flags, this was just the icing on the cake. We had only slept together once (attempted twice) and he obviously had some issues in maintains a errection, maybe because on anal play, maybe nerves, I don’t know. Anyway it’s given me a reason to call it a day. As I said before, I have quite a high sex drive so need someone who’s compatible and doesn’t make me feel guilty for not being able to pleasure him.

Now to try and find someone more suitable 🤔

I hate the word vanilla too, just didn’t know how else to put it. I don’t really believe anyone’s vanilla and I don’t think anyone should do anything they are not comfortable with.

Not familiar with the term ‘vanilla’ but just do what makes you comfortable. I was talked into anal sex with a previous partner, I didn’t like it and have never done it again! I am not into bum play, some people are and that’s ok too!

Good for you OP. I think being able to set boundaries and stick to them is absolutely imperative to a good sex life.
My partner and I tend to go by the mantra "it's ok to ask and it's ok to say no."
In this case it sounds like he was quite fixated on this one thing and it became an issue.
I am in a newish relationship (2 years) and the sex has been amazing.

I have certainly tried things with my new partner that I never thought I would enjoy but not because he wanted me to, because I wanted to.

So I totally agree that the term "vanilla" is really unhelpful and derogatory. For me the key to a great sex life is trust, emotional connection and creativity - not just trying the newest 'kink' because you think you should.

It doesn't matter what your sex life is like, as long as you feel happy and fufilled! Fwiw, I guess I would be 'vanilla' but I don't care, as me and DH are happy with things the way they are.