Can someone tell me about BDSM.

[inmyshoos]

I'm chatting to someone online. He is into BDSM. He claims its all respectful consensual and was initiated by his ex partner, something she wanted and then he grew to enjoy it.

It doesn't sit well with me. But maybe I'm just not educated about it. I just can't imagine sex where I wanted my partner to cause me pain or to cause them pain or where one of us has the control. There's more to it I'm sure. Anyone enlighten me?

My only knowledge of it is probably limited to what I saw on Normal People , and that seemed to be continuing a cycle of abuse and feelings of worthlessness.

I am curious too. Am interested in experimenting with some aspects of being submissive, but only mildly. I like the idea of being available when he wants me, and of being naked or without underwear and of him being able to touch where and when he wants. I like the idea of him being able to determine when and how we have sex but not into pain although a light spanking could be good. Not really into being submissive outside the bedroom. All very mild really but I think people have very different preferences.

There are different levels of BDSM. From having your wrists tied and being spanked. To the more brutal and everything in between.
I think you need to determine what level you feel comfortable with, whether your the dom or submissive, have trust in your partner and create a safe word if required should it become too much. I think a good start is to discuss what he has in mind and come to some agreement about your boundaries.

I think you are wise to ask! There is a lot of confusion. I would tread carefully as really there is big difference between what is presented as BDSM in the mainstream (mild restraint, spanking does not leave marks and role play) and then the more extreme variety which is probably still S&M where a partner has sadistic motivation or basically gets off on your pain. Lots of women I think do not think about the difference in motivation when a new partner asks. For your safety, you need to think less about exploring and whether a) you have any interest really and b) what his motivation actually is.

There are a lot of unsuitable men who engage in BDSM. Their motivations are not your pleasure but to persuade you that it is okay to displace what you might otherwise already enjoy and get you to gratify their needs.

It's a big range. Perhaps need to start with whether he is more dom or sub (or switches); more into pain or restraint (or both)?
Ask what his (or his ex's) safeword was? (do so in person/phone -- if he hesitates I'd be concerned).

Well now. 'BDSM' is a very broad scope. As a PP said, he could mean some pink marabou handcuffs and a bit of spanky spanky, or he could be into a 24/7 Master/sub lifestyle where he trains someone in service. Plus there are all the sub kinks that link in to BDSM - electro stim, med fet, furries.

You need more information, so you need him to be open and honest about what HE thinks BDSM means, what he's into, whether he's Dom/sub/switch, whether he has any particular kinks or fetishes. Then you need to decide if you are comfortable with his answers.

The big red flag will be if he's reticent about answering. One thing any BDSM-leaning relationship needs to be is excruciatingly open and honest. I appreciate that this is a fledgling connection but if he's not prepared to be open with you now, I would advise against placing any kind of trust in him with regards to restraint or sensation and pain play.

DP and I are Dom/sub (he's my Dom). Stuff we get up to: restraint (leather cuffs, spreader bars, collars, shibari) sensation and pain play - so temperature play with ice/hot wax, whartenberg pinwheels, vampire gloves, paddles, floggers, bare palms. Electro stim - we use a tens machine. Fetish piercing - he uses sterile hypodermics and ribbons to create zips and corset ties on my skin. We also have regular lovely vanilla sex sometimes 😉. The absolute key is trust. I trust him 100%. I know that if I need him to stop he will. I'm very clear about pain I enjoy and pain that is too much and whilst he'll take me to that line, he will never force me over it against my will.

If it's something you are willing to experiment with, and you can trust him, and he's decent and genuine, it is something that can create an incredible bond. If you decide it's not for you, you need to ask him to be honest about whether it's something he can live without.

You always, ALWAYS need a safe word.

Oh, and I'm happy to answer any questions if you have any. Ask here or DM me, I don't mind.

@Welshmaenad would you be ok if I pm’d you a quick question please?

@Sacredspace more than happy, fire away.

Hey thank you for the replies.
I've met him for a chat and a walk. I've said a few times quite clearly I'm not into anything remotely BDSM and would this be an issue for him because I wondered if he'd always crave that.
The things I have issue with would be stuff that feels abusive... He told me one partner wanted to be slapped in the face and at first he thought no way he could do it but they eventually did. I suppose for me I feel its crossing a line but I am open to being educated. I certainly like a bit of biting and also when I think about it I like a man to be dominant but I'm also fairly dominant in nature myself. Just not sure how it all works. He says it's just been in last few years he got into the lifestyle.

I suppose with someone I loved and trusted I would feel OK about some of the stuff but some of it just feels more abusive than pleasurable. And I suppose ultimately I want to feel connected and safe with someone but have a great sex life.

Hmm.

Can I just say that for a fledging relationship this might suggest you don’t?

Because it sounds like you are being persuaded as to his very decent nature. That’s not the right way to think about it.

What do you like? Could you just pursue a vanilla relationship for the present? If not, I would be very wary: in continuing to talk to you about it then it suggests that he is trying to find an angle that you will accept.

You need to know what you like. The Internet is crammed full of men who claim to be dominant. Mostly it means nothing except you subordinate your wishes: there are people who negotiate BDSM relationships.

The key thing is both parties know what they want and need from the exchange.

As PP have said there are many variants and some have nothing to do with bondage and/or pain. @Wheresmycharger, you describe our relationship almost exactly.
DP is definitely not in to pain or bondage, this is definitely a no go for her. However she does like not being in control (submission). This manifets in her handing over control of what she wears and when. Plus also open consent to her body. Communication is very important.

I’m submissive and have introduced my new partner to BDSM. In my non-sex life I’m a highly successful professional and a loving mum. I have no mental health issues and I’m not depressed. I’m happy and content. I just find that it’s a relief to surrender control during sex and a certain amount of pain is rather pleasant. I don’t do face slapping - feels too degrading. My partner is a kind and loving man who is open to experimenting. We’ve discussed what I do and don’t enjoy. Often our sex is vanilla. I have a safe word in case I ever need anything to stop.

If you are interested you need to have some detailed discussions up front about what you are and are not comfortable with. Bondage is one element (being tied up) and does not mean you need to be into pain. If you want to try a little pain then I’d suggest starting with some light slapping on the bottom.

If you are not interested then be clear about that. He may not care. I’ve had 100% vanilla relationships and I like those too.

@inmyshoos
I think @Home42 gives a good reply. You are speaking to a guy and he has said he is into BDSM...maybe that is a bit heavy to start with.

I'm not dissimilar to Home. I'm a fairly senior professional etc and wouldn't start by having a conversation about BDSM...not sure I class myself like it. However, I read 50 shades on holiday...crap book but somethings did stir curiosity in me. Probably a mix of being relaxed and few drinks. DH a,so read it and jokingly slapped my bum when we had sex one night and I responded positively...said oh don't stop. Gradually he tried more things which was learning for us both but by the end of the holiday we had progressed from a gentle smack, to harder and also tying me to the bed etc and doing things.

We had brilliant and lots of sex that holiday so we have continued trying a few things when home. It isn't all the time we have sex like that...but when relaxed and child free we are more adventurous. I know I like being submissive..maybe in other part of my life I am in charge of things and I enjoy him treating me in bed as someone submissive.

I won't carry on as will get TMI but to formally start exploring BDSM might be heavy for you. Happy for you to DM me if you want.

Agree with PPs that you need to have a frank and honest conversation with this guy. If he is a true member of the BDSM community, he won't have any problem with you telling him exactly how you feel and what concerns you.

Understand that BDSM encompasses such a wide range of activities. You can pick and choose what excites you. This might be a great opportunity for you to explore your desires.

If you do go further, then it's sensible to write down your hard limits (things you absolute won't do e.g. face slapping or humiliation) and your soft limits (things you want to try but are nervous about). There are some good checklists on the internet...
abcsofkink.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/BDSM-Checklist-CreatureSir.pdf
(Don't be afraid to tick No for most of them!)

Always have a safe word - a popular choice is Red for an immediate stop and Amber for slow down/ change of activity.

Red flags to look out for...
Anyone who says they are a Dom and that you shouldn't question them - submission is earned not demanded.
Anyone who doesn't believe in the use of a safe word.
Anyone who tries to persuade you to do anything you're not entirely comfortable with.

After a further walk and talk I've decided it's not for me. He's not for me. Thank you for all the replies, you guys are extremely helpful and thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

You've done the right thing

Yay, he was testing your boundaries . good move, ntee whatever you would accept from him would
Garunteed that is why he told you what ihis ex would allow, he's already subtly setting you up to want to impress him by going further than his ex.
Very careful grooming.
Well done you

It doesn't sit well with me. But maybe I'm just not educated about it. I just can't imagine sex where I wanted my partner to cause me pain or to cause them pain or where one of us has the control

I'd say variations on that are pretty much all there is to it. If it doesn't appeal to you then please don't do it.

If anyone else brings up the idea to you in future, just say the idea doesn't do it for you.