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Ruining it...lost confidence

2 replies

insecuregal · 08/06/2020 09:25

Hi everyone

Just wondering if anybody can help please, if you have experienced this before.

I have never had that much confidence in the bedroom, and I am fairly insecure in myself (I have good confidence days and bad confidence days outside of it, like most I suppose). However I am now ruining things with my new-ish (1.5 years but still feels quite new) boyfriend.

When we have sex I enjoy it, and he seems to as well, but I always have to spoil it afterwards by asking it if was ok. He always says it was but I know he gets frustrated with me asking. Outside the bedroom I am often asking if he is ok, if he loves me. It is pathetic, I know.

Also although I do have a fairly high sex drive, I never really initiate. I am submissive in the bedroom anyway, this is just what I prefer. I always feel awkward taking the lead. Only way I am normally comfortable with that is if I am drunk but I rarely drink anymore, or if I have a random moment of self confidence and sexiness, which is rare.

I asked him last night if he gets tired of always having to be in charge and he did say, sometimes. He also said if I wanted to have sex that I should try to initiate more, properly. Like sticking my hands down his pants or something. I took it badly because I take most things badly, I am not very mature, likely have mental health problems and I am insecure and really want his approval (see more below). Fortunately however we did manage to avoid having a proper argument but it did make me feel rubbish afterwards.

Problem is I am also not good at initiating either, I have never really initiated properly with anyone other than just passionate kissing. I feel awkward and self conscious if I even think about putting my hands down someone's trousers. I have never really done that with a partner. It is ridiculous I know. I also feel like I am not particularly good at handjobs, or blowjobs really (lack of experience clearly!) this makes me feel worse.

I have started to feel a bit better about blowjobs, mostly because of the discovery of a really tasty lube! And because I have told him I have never been that comfortable/confident with it, and he has really been patient and understanding with it.

In fact, we have communicated very well about sex most of the time. I have never talked about sex with any partners before really. They didn't and I didn't. We just did it. This is probably the most mature relationship I have had in that respect, despite having had very long term relationships before (he is older than me)

But still, it wouldn't occur to me to give a BJ of my own accord without prompting, though I am feeling a bit better about them. If I am horny, I wouldn't just go down on my man on the sofa. Awkward and self conscious. I would wait for him to come on to me or at the most do some passionate kissing.

I know this is bad. I know it is a confidence thing. I also feel like due to my history of domestic abuse, dad being a dick when I was a kid, and men I really loved just randomly leaving me without communicating any issues/problems, well I am worried that he will leave too. I love him and can't go through heartbreak again - don't have it in me again. I need to be good enough for him and always get his approval. I know this all feeds into the bedroom to some extent.

I just want to improve my confidence enough where every now and again I can initiate (properly...) without feeling awkward and rubbish, where I can have sex without worrying if he liked it enough and not ask him afterward.

I wasn't like this at the very beginning of the relationship. I was more confident and not worrying everytime we had sex (I still did not randomly initiate by putting hands down pants I have said ,I have never done this really with anyone, used to them coming on to me) I don't know why I am now but perhaps it is because as my feelings have grown I am losing my confidence and just waiting for him to realise I am crap and leave me like everybody else.

I guess he did also compliment me more at the start which made me feel good and not so much now, now it is more joking around with each other, taking the piss but not in a hurtful way. But it is no different to any other relationship I have been in, most of my other partners never complimented me, and a lot of them did some very nasty things. So why would I lose my confidence so much with this one.

Probably too much of my confidence and self-worth is tied up in men and that isn't great I know.

Him and I did have a fairly volatile relationship at the beginning, not good I know. I wasn't really over my ex and ready for anything, also dealing with depression etc, and he was getting used to being with someone again after being single for a long time. But the attraction and feelings were there from the start and we couldn't help getting together. I feel as time has gone on, as I have become more ready for a new totally different relationship, we have really strengthened, and that is a good way for a relationship to go in the end. We have communicated a lot about our initial problems and our rubbish way of arguing and improved in that area a bit. But my weird growing lack of confidence is now the main problem.

Please be gentle, I know I am coming off as pathetic and needy. I really want to improve and need some help. I am starting therapy soon so I hope this will help but I hope for some advice or tips in the meantime about improving my confidence, inside the bedroom mostly but also outside of it too. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Dh8273 · 13/06/2020 23:44

I think you need to take a lot from the fact that he is there with you, and chooses to wake up everyday next to you. This alone should help you to feel confident that he has chosen to spend time together with you. If you’re confident in your relationship you’ll be confident with the sex.

RenascenceWoman · 15/06/2020 09:18

Firstly it's great that you are addressing this op - this reveals a lot of inner confidence. You need to draw it out of yourself. Men really aren't all that complex and small gestures go a long way.

Find something you feel good wearing (daywear or lingerie) and, if it helps, imagine you are someone more confident - a friend or celeb - and act like they'd act.

I'm not sure "sticking hands down pants" is necessary but perhaps rubbing against him. Men often like the anticipation and a slow build up. Make him wait while you stroke and caress his body. There are loads of websites about what feels good to a man/where to touch his penis.

You sound a bit low It's all about acting confident even if you don't feel it. Channel Angelina Jolie 😜 He won't know what's hit him. You are a goddess! X

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