This isn't going to work is it?

[TooleyOO]

I've thought long and hard about posting this but I could really do with some advice from both men and women.

I have been with my partner for 6 months. We get on really well, he isn't the usual type I would go for. I'm quite outgoing, sociable, reactive, he is very measured, calm, quite introverted.

Positives, we laugh so much, he is kind and caring, quite in touch with my feelings, we enjoy quite similar stuff and we're matched intellectually.

Negatives....sex. Before we got together I had a very varied sex life (single for 4 years). I have a really high sex drive, I enjoy sex a great deal and for me it is a crucial part of any relationship. He knew this in the early stages of our relationship and he made it sound like he was on the same level.

The sex is not fine. That's all I can say about it really and I know how awful that sounds. The main issue is he cannot orgasm. He says he's been like that for years and it's not me it's him. We discussed it and he agreed he would stop porn for a while and see if that helps. I have no issue with porn but he using it every time he masturbated and i read a lot which said this could be affecting him. It made no difference. He says he masturbates x 2 a week only. He made lots of noises about wanting to do something about it early on but nothing has transpired. This morning I was using his ipad to watch netflix and it was running slowly. He was sat next to me and said 'oh just close some pages down there's loads open'. I started closing them and he had a porn site open which he had searched for 'mature' porn on. Clearly I am 10 years younger than him so not exactly a demographic which is in line with me!

Last night we had such a lovely night together and then had sex, it lasted roughly 8 mins and then he was out of breath and kept asking 'are you done, is it nice' over and over. I felt so bloody sorry for him I just said oh I don't think its going to happen for me tonight (it wasn't doing anything for me at all). I had tried directing him but it was just hopeless. He was fine about it, we cuddled and then 5 mins later he says 'do you mind if I have a wank, i'm really horny'.....When he does this, I can't move, can't touch him, can't speak or he loses concentration and can't cum. God this sounds awful written down!

I feel like a huge part of my confidence is being knocked no matter how often he says it isn't me it's him. I've always enjoyed sex and been complimented on my confidence in bed but now i feel so unsure of myself.

Any insight on whats going on in his head? Any idea what I should do? I don't mind having difficult conversations but we've talked about it quite a few times and it goes nowhere.

Sorry this is so long, thanks for reading.

I agree with you. It’s not going to work. You’re only 6 months in. The sex you’re having now is not going to get better because he has no desire to change it. You don’t need to know what’s going on in his head - his actions are more important here. And his actions are saying that he’s fine with the status quo. Sex is very important to me. I couldn’t stay in a relationship where we were so mismatched. You say this issue is already affecting your confidence. End this relationship before it really starts messing with your head.

I know you’re probably right. It just feels like a lot to throw away. I was single for 4 years waiting and looking for someone just like him

So many things.

Firstly, it really isn't you. It's him. I have the same issue with my partner, and I'm sure it isn't about me being unattractive or less than he needs, but I did need to work on that and remind myself that I had cum-less sex with men who were really gorgeous and good lovers. It wasn't them. It was me.

But....my partner really works hard to make sex good -we went through a bad patch but I think it's better now.
Your man is doing crap sex for 8 minutes. That's shit by anyone's standards.

He wanks with you, which is great, but won't let you touch him or interact, this makes it a personal and unshared experience which is shit and selfish. He can wait until he's alone, especially after 8 minutes of crap sex.

He doesn't seem open to discussion or change/development of your sexual relationship. He is happy with it the way it is. You aren't and this should be obvious to him. It clearly isn't, which makes him blind and deaf to you as well as sexually closed.

You're only 6 months in, which is not long for things to be so hard. Sex does get better or should get better the longer you are with someone but without him acknowledging that he needs to progress with you, it's hopeless.
You deserve better. I'm sorry.

I couldn't accept that.
Too much porn use and I bet he doesn't masturbate twice a week. Twice a day more likely!!

Maybe you could suggest no sex, no touching for a couple of weeks and see how the desire is then.

You have my sympathy (man here).

In our dynamic, due to medication, I can't cum and neither can my DW most of the time - not without a very similar situation that you describe - has to concentrate, can't reciprocate, 45 mins of constant oral etc.

There's no porn involved for us, but the sex is hugely unfulfilling and unsatisfying. Neither of us masturbate. Wife has a low-ish sex drive, mine is probably above average.

I have not been able to find a solution. I just want to have passionate sex without having to think or worry about it before, during and after - every single time - always feeling disappointed and like I'm missing out.

My DW tries, but she has very poor technique and even before my medication induced orgasm issues, she has never made me orgasm from manual or oral in over 20 years, despite my trying to show her what I like/need.

You will grow to hate his habits. If you stick around long enough, you will grow to hate him. If you do that for long enough, you end up hating yourself.

What you describe is called "retarded ejaculation" and is a known condition; probably psychological.

You could - if you think it's worth it - try in more normal times to find a sexual counsellor if he would agree. @TooleyOO

I don't think its retarded ejaculation. I think he has to conjure up fantasies in his head to get off, which is why he cannot be disturbed by anything. It would disturb his train of thought IYSWIM. The same with porn use.
When he's shagging there is to much going on to concentrate on fantasy so can't get off.
He needs help to break the cycle or spend the rest of his life being a wanker.