I can’t orgasm

[Cheekytopshop]

Ok I have named changed for this and would like some advice.

As the title says I can’t orgasm. I don’t climax through sex only with oral or if I use a toy (bullet), but I’m finding it hard to even do that these days and sometimes I need to use a toy as my husband works very long hours and can be tired

I’ve heard using toys can “desensitised” you, if I stop using toys will the sensitivity come back as I would rather orgasm with my husband.

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No advice OP but I can offer my sympathy. DW is the same, and even with oral or a toy can take 30-45 mins by which time I've lost interest, or actually see it as a chore.

As for desensitisation, once upon a time I could, with enough time, focus and patience, give DW an orgasm with my fingers, but since toys were introduced as a way of helping things along, my fingers no longer do the trick, so from my experience, yes, it has desensitised things, but I guess it very much varies by individual.

Not all women can orgasm through PIV. I forget the figures off the top of my head but some quick research would reveal the stats.
You say you can orgasm through oral and toy play so you can orgasm.
I know lots of women that use toys and do not have any sensitivity issues. Does you DH understand a woman's body and knowledge of how to pleasure you?

noego yes but I’m finding that it’s harder now to orgasm with oral than before, and I thought it was because I was using toys. I’m hoping if I stop I will be able to orgasm easily through oral with him again.

I wouldn't overthink this if I was you otherwise your thoughts will get in the way of achieving sexual pleasure.
Ask him to give you a g spot or cervical orgasm as an alternative to oral or PIV

40 something female here. If vibeys and the like desensitised you, l would be numb by now. I’ve been a regular user since my teens and feel as if I’m in my sexual peak.

OP are you taking any medication? That can make a huge difference.

As for the male poster who considered 30-45 minutes down the yellow brick road too long, it’s not a race and a longer build up really can lead to a rainbow

@starlightLady Each to their own, but giving constant oral for 45 mins I find boring and tiring, especially if 2 out of 3 times it's unsuccessful and they can't do anything back for you as it distracts them.

It puts me off having sex to be honest as it's such a chore.

Imagine if the only way your partner could occasionally orgasm was from a blow job and it took 45 mins without him doing anything for you during that time as it puts hims off and breaks his concentration - would that work for you long term?

StarlightLady I’m in HRT, I’m 49 and have been in it for 4 years.

It puts me off having sex to be honest as it's such a chore

I love giving oral, I could stay there day! Doing something that is so intimate and pleasurable keeps me excited and ready for the next course.

it's a wonder more women aren't turning gay :)

Dont think HRT would have that effect. Think an op was thinking more of antidepressants which are well known libido slayers.

Are you still happy with your partner OP? No emotional problems or issues?

Reason I asked is because despite taking mega antidepressants the actual reason I stopped being sexually responsive was because I got a very serious case of the ick/ things were not going well in other domains!

Maybe you are just bored of eachother in lockdown....?

@noego

it's a wonder more women aren't turning gay :)

But would you do it all day if your parter didn't orgasm?

I get bored and dispirited after doing it for ages without a result.

If she was in heaven and being really responsive and I was giving her multiple orgasms, then that might be different, but 45 mins with the occasional 'Mmmm'. Nah.

Ooops, quoted wrong PP, meant to quote Anotherblokelurking.

It puts me off having sex to be honest as it's such a chore.

@SimplySteveRedux

It puts me off having sex to be honest as it's such a chore.

What's the problem?

I've read plenty of threads on here written by women who are complaining their partner can't orgasm or it takes them absolutely ages and they get board and put off. Or feel like they're not attractive or they're doing something wrong. Does it not work the other way round?

Whatthewhatnow there is no emotional problems or anything like that.

I find when he gives me oral I don’t actually feel anything as in it’s not as sensitive down there if that makes any sense? Although I still love having sex with him

I reckon then five the sex toys a miss for a bit, see if that improves things.

Sorry to say but wondering if it could be menopause related... despite the HRT. That can do funny things to your sex drive I hear :(

Whatthewhatnow yeah I’ve heard that too but mines going through the roof even though I can’t seem to orgasm as easily x

Maybe check out Vitamin B12 supplementation - nerve conduction....

Have you tried the Ferly app? LOADS of helpful information about masturbation, mindfulness, intimacy, sexual confidence, relaxation and orgasm. Includes audio stories to "practice" to.

You might just be over-thinking it. Do you focus on the enjoyment you experience (either solo or with your husband) rather than chasing the end result of orgasm? Might be worth looking into tantra - slow everything right down and concentrate on how you feel at that moment in time...

Cheeky it sounds physiological to me. Personally I don't use toys as I thought exactly that - such an intense mechanical experience will make natural stimulation options seem weak in comparison. I seriously dislike toys and will not touch them, for that main reason. It's like having homemade tiramisu first and therefore not wanting your asparagus starter.

However, it seems odd you can't even orgasm easily from oral. That's usually in my experience something that would get results in seconds! Was it always like this for you? Do you just feel nothing?

Have you given birth vaginally? Could you have nerve damage? How long has this been going on? Or do you have a mental block with your husband?

Prawn I sympathise entirely - of course giving oral for ages and feeling like it's not somehow working would be deeply demoralising. It would put me off too. And I think it's probably easier to comfortably pay attention to a guy for a longer period than it is to a woman. I don't envy you. It stops being fun if you have, eg, a crick in your neck or an aching tongue.

No orgasm can be forced. There can be no pressure to achieve it. Kills it dead otherwise.

Cheeky I think you should talk to your doc and get checked out. And no I don't think stopping periods means you have no sexual pleasure for the rest of your life ... (I bloody hope not!!).