DH taking but not giving in bed...

[QuitePolite]

SO, here goes. I've name changed for this, and have been putting off posting it but I don't know what to do anymore.

DH and I have been married nearly 13 years and together for 18. We have two DCs, 8 and 2.

Our sex life as ALWAYS been rubbish. He didn't believe in sex outside of marriage and I put his beliefs first and waited until we were married, as he is (otherwise), a lovely, kind, gentle man.

Wedding night was.... quick. I expected that, it was his first time (I had one previous partner) and I thought things would improve on honeymoon. It didn't. We both got sun burnt to a crisp and he rejected me a couple of times so I didn't push it as I didn't want to put him under any pressure.

So there was no "honeymoon period" for us. We had sex about 5 times in our first year of marriage, each and every time was straight to PIV and was very, very quick, I have never been close to climaxing even once.

For every year afterwards "spontaneous" and fulfilling sex has not been on the agenda, and has happened less and less, some years not at all. We have had a couple of attempts at resolving his premature ejaculation with things like numbing sprays and distraction, but still it was always straight to PIV and I have never climaxed, whereas he is done every single time within 2 minutes tops.

We had to actively "try" for both of our children and it was literally just for procreation not for (my) pleasure at all.

Over the past couple of months, I have tried making a lot more effort, and we have had sex every couple of weeks, I've given him oral sex and told him things that I would like, but he has literally taken none of it on board at all. Nothing has changed.

I lost my temper with him yesterday and asked him why he hasn't taken on board anything that I had said to him, and he is still pretending like nothing has happened, and just said "what shall we change then?" I graphically spelled it out to him a couple weeks ago what I would like to happen. Is he that clueless or do you think something else is going on?

I almost felt "used" at the weekend, he got his rocks off again and I was left with nothing, frustrated, bored and like I'm wasting my time - what's in it for me? What's the point in me bothering to make an effort??

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I'll be on and off MN for the next few hours but will respond as much as I can.

Thank you if you managed to read all that!! 

You've waited a long time to address this. Your h is possibly wondering what's happened for you to mention anything.

He's obviously not sexually experienced and therefore possibly lacking confidence.
Does he watch porn?
Could you watch it together as a way to suggest new things.

It sounds like there is no chemistry though.
If there is no chemistry, there's unlikely to be much passion.
There is nothing better imo than pleasuring your partner and making sure they have a good time. A decent partner will return the pleasure because it will be important to them too.

If he's willing to learn you might stand a chance.
Otherwise it's a slippy slope ime.

Good luck

I have a friend who is in a similar position. He is very selfish when it's comes to pleasuring her but will gladly receive, and is only interested in PIV.

Maybe some guys just don't know what to do or can't be bothered 🤷‍♀️
She is seriously considering getting rid as he's only a FB but in your case not so easy I suppose.
It must be very frustrating for you and well done for speaking up - annoying though that he hasn't listened.
I hope someone has some good advice for you.
Good luck xx

I did try and more gently address it over the years, suggesting the numbing spray and trying to make light of it to try and ease the pressure a bit, but I'm in my late 30s, and it makes me sad that this is how it could be forever. Perhaps I should have been more direct early on but I felt that because we weren't having sex often enough that he was getting too excited and so trying to have it more often I thought it would make a difference but now I just feel like rubbish, when he rolls over and goes to sleep and leaves me unfulfilled, I feel a bit rejected. Surely if he cared about me that much he would want me to be fulfilled.

I stayed with someone like that for 5 years. It was my first relationship and I wasn’t very experienced, so I just didn’t know how good it could (and should) be. He had no interest in my pleasure, sex was always all about him and needless to say once he came it was over. In 5 years I didn’t orgasm with him once. It actually destroyed my confidence, just eroded it over time and as I began to understand more (just from talking to friends, increasing access to internet etc) I realised how wrong it was. I began to resent him hugely and ultimately it was one of the reasons I ended the relationship.

Posted too soon.

I now regret that I wasted 5 good years with him. While I think he did love me, he clearly didn’t love me enough to ensure I was satisfied etc. It was all about him. Once that realisation dawned on me I couldn’t undo it.

Yeah I'm kind of flip reversed to you as my only other sexual partner and I had a very passionate relationship and I really enjoyed sex with him - but we were very young and hormones were flying everywhere back then. I'm much fatter and older and lost my figure after two massive pregnancies. I guess I don't have the confidence anymore.

I sometimes think there is something about blokes for their first lover being with an older experienced woman and learning.

I in hindsight felt really lucky my first bf was older than me, clearly experienced and knew what he was doing and the night I lost my virginity was amazing...and yes I really orgasmed. He really made my pleasure a priority...I dint have a clue but he taught me

OP..I suspect he will be too difficult to change now unfortunately.

OP it reads to me that you're quick to disregard the passion you had with your first partner as simply a result of being young and full of hormones, I wonder if that's just what you put it down to because you've not had anything that passionate as an adult?

Regardless of that, you absolutely deserve a fulfilling relationship where you feel wanted, desired and sought after. Good sex isn't necessarily just about the act itself, and is often a result of being good communicators and generous outside of the bedroom. How is your marriage on the whole? Do you share roles, share feelings etc? Please don't go the rest of your life not having felt wanted or sexy or orgasmic. You both need to either evaluate your relationship and make a joint choice to improve, or you need to find someone who can give you what your husband cant because you DESERVE to feel desired.

Sending you love and best wishes x

Generally our marriage is ok, we are fairly contented and happy in each other's company and we laugh a lot. We don't get much time on our own, or go on date nights and there's not much romance or any passion I suppose. We could go a week or so without even touching. We generally muddle along and provide each other with companionship. I do find him attractive and I love him very much and I think he loves me too in his way, he's just not a passionate person. He's rarely excited or angry - he just floats along in that middle zone. He doesn't talk a lot about his feelings a lot and clams up when I try and raise this subject. Backing off obviously isn't going to work - it hasn't thus far - so now I need to take the bull by the horns a different way. I just don't know how!

Thank you @Herecomestreble1

Op,
Mans point of view.

I was in a similar position to you, but the roles where reversed. After @10 years of marriage, my (x)DW hit menopause, and her libido dropped off a cliff. (I know now she also suffers from depression). If we had sex 4 or 5 times a year, I was lucky, and it was always the same.

In our case, I wasn't allowed to touch her sexually. She always initiated sex, and all we had was PIV, and frankly, I didn't last very long, simply because of the amount of time in-between sex.

We had long discussions about it, but I wanted much more, and she didn't, so we split.

I miss foreplay greatly, (l love foreplay, and would be quite happy if nothing else happened), and being able to pleasure a woman, but a lot of (most?) guys are focused on their own pleasure, and as long as they get theirs...

Were you his 1st sexual partner? Is it possible that he simply doesn't know what to do, or how to do it? Would you be prepared to show him?

I'd say he is very embarrassed about sex, and unwilling to discuss it because of ego, or lack of experience.

It's possible he just doesn't have a high sex drive, or is asexual, or (and this is probably WWWAAAAYYY off base), he my be gay.

If you want to stay with him, then you somehow need to get him engaged in the discussion. I'm afraid I have no specific suggestions - sorry.

Otherwise, you should consider if the lack of sexual fulfilment is enough to do something drastic. Would you consider (and I expect to be flamed for this) sex outside marriage? Would you consider an open marriage? Is divorce an option for you?

As @Herecomestreble1 says, you deserve more, and you need to think about the best way forward for you.

New rule, no PIV until you've orgasmed? Though I'm surprised you didn't insist on that 13 years ago. Tell him he can use hands or mouth but not his penis until you've had your fun. If he chooses no sex instead, which he may well do, well your choice is sexless marriage or crap sex marriage, or no marriage ( I'd be off like a shot)

Well...There has been no effort or initiation on his part this week. Nothing has changed and he hasn't taken anything on board that I said to him about flirting and intimacy outside of the bedroom. I think it has gone on for too long - my fault as much as his for not addressing it earlier I guess. I don't think gay, but very low sex drive along with lack of experience and I think he's completely lost interest. I'm really not sure about where to go from here. I don't want a divorce and he won't permit an open relationship. I guess I'm just going to have to live with it.

There's no way he would ever give me oral sex. He tried it once for a few seconds years and years ago and I'll never forget the look on his face I felt ashamed of myself and disgusting to him.

Another guy here and the first thing that popped into my mind was "is he gay"?

I'm guessing there is some cultural issue at play here which renders such things off limits?

He's managed to do it for the purposes of kids which again I would guess is very much expected of him but he can't manage for the purpose of pleasing you or at the very least himself?

You may not want one but you need to at least put divorce on the table. Get him into counselling and see if you can get a third party to find out what his underlying issue is.

OP, no kind, lovely (your words) husband would ever want to make his wife feel ashamed and disgusted by herself. Kind and lovely husbands want to make their wives feel amazing and pleasured and happy!

I don't think he's gay, just quite a strict religious upbringing - I think that's the crux of it. He didn't intentionally make me feel disgusted by myself, he just clearly didn't enjoy it and it showed on his face. He honestly is kind, and gentle and quite sweet.

OP could you introduce some toys and masturbate or encourage him to use the toys?

Yeeeeah but. My DH had a very strict religious upbringing, and he still attends church, prays every night before bed, says grace before we eat etc

He's the most giving and generous partner I've ever had (and I have a LOT of experience). Maybe not the most adventurous but he loves seeing me satisfied and happy.

Faith is not an excuse, or a reason. Religion doesn't teach that sex and pleasure are wrong or disgusting.

Have you ever thought, or think he would consider, sex therapy?

It's so sad you think you should spend the rest of your life like this.

Could he cope with just using a finger? Could you show him how. Ask him during a pleasant conversation, then follow through soon, and guide him when you're getting down to it? I guess hed be more inclined to learn about oral if he knew how it worked down there.

I feel like I'm making excuses for him now to be honest! 😆 What an absolute mess to get in to.

I think I will encourage him to try manually next time and see what happens.

So, I haven’t RTFT but I have to say you could have been me a few years ago. Basically entirely the same situation. Rubbish sex since the beginning, PE, lazy and selfish. I’d often be left finishing myself off whilst he fell asleep.

Nearly 20 years into our marriage I lost the plot and went crazy. And the marriage obviously ended. I simply couldn’t take anymore. I felt used, ignored, rejected and frustrated.

This will not end well unless you absolutely spell it out. You sit him down, tell him this isn’t ok and show him some nice amateur couple porn as an example of what should be happening between you both in bed. I’d then suggest you see a sex therapist together and in the meantime make sure all intimate time is built solely around him making you orgasm.

This triggers memories for me. My (ex) DP was very similar. Utterly repressed in the bedroom... "you want me to lick you where?!"..,but otherwise a gentle loving best friend.

We tried counselling, massage (to attempt to get back to some kind of physical intimacy) and an open relationship (which he refused).

In the end, I realised that we were just incompatible and I wanted more than a friend...

You either have a blunt conversation about your respective wants and needs, and find a compromise together, or you walk away. It really is that simple.