My husband doesn’t want sex with me.

[Mummypig2020]

Me and Dh are both 29. Been together 6 years, married one. I have 2 Dc from previous relationship aged 12&10 and we have a 3 year old.

We were having sex once a week, maybe more before Xmas. I was happy with this.

Since Xmas my confidence has taken a huge beating and I’m at breaking point.

He just doesn’t want sex. He says he can’t relax enough to do it because the older two are always awake later and by the time they go sleep he’s shattered from work.

I feel unwanted and unattractive.

I finally made a move last night and he stopped half way through and “came” but he hadn’t.

Iv comforted him, tried talking to him but he doesn’t see a problem. Iv begged him to get his testosterone checked. Told him it’s affecting our marriage. Nothing.

Last night I had a dream he was having an emotional affair with the woman next door. She’s beautiful and he was always flirting with her, while I was begging him for his attention.

I just feel sad, and depressed.

Obviously lockdown hasn’t helped either.

I don’t know what to do.

As he's tired by bedtime is there anything you could do to help this out? Do you help out enough in the house or is he doing everything?

What are you doing to pull your weight each day?

What happens if you initiate sex in the morning instead when the kids are still asleep? One would assume he's not shattered then...

It sounds like there's been a rather sudden change in his attitude to sex since Christmas. Has anything happened in the relationship which might have caused this?

The only solution I can see is to keep communicating with him about how you're feeling and asking him how he feels about your physical relationship. Have you asked him outright whether he still finds you attractive and desirable?

Are you doing your bit around the house?

Why is everyone copying each other and asking stupid questions?

🐑 🐑 🐑

It’s interesting that you mention the dream you’ve been having, is there anything to this? I think you need to create some time and just calmly ask him if there’s anything troubling him.

The stupid questions are digs at the double standard on MN.

If a man comes on here with the same issue within the first 10 posts somebody will ask him if he does his fair share of the housework.

What siring1 said and probably call him a man child.

Whereas I agree about the double standards on mumsnet (I'm a man in a sexless marriage), these comments are callous, unkind & unhelpful towards the op. She has posted on here in the genuine hope of getting some empathy, some advice & some support.
I understand only too well what she means by feeling unloved & unwanted.

Sorry you're suffering with this OP.

He likely does not want sex for one or more of the following reasons.

1. He doesn't currently find you sexually attractive

2. He resents you for some reason

3. His libido is low for any of the following:
   Stress
   Tiredness
   Illness
   Anxiety
   Depression
   Medication
   Guilt
   Boredom

Your job is to find out which one or combination of the above it is. You may already have a clue, but if not, the only way is to talk and ask.

I get fact that the children are a mental distraction, however if you have desire, you work round this in any way you can, likewise some of the other factors. I suspect these are symptoms, not causes.

Best of luck.

I was going to suggest you go away to a hotel for the weekend.. and then I thought "oh. Maybe not!". When the lockdown is over though is there anyway you can have a cheap and cheeky couple of nights somewhere without the kids? Then you can focus on each other, hopefully he gets enough sleep and rest and you can really talk to each other.

@TangibleTuTu I think a night in a hotel etc can only work if the reasons given are genuine and not a symptom/excuse of underlying problems in the relationship.

From my experience, booking a night away in a hotel or similar puts massive pressure on the person who is not wanting sex to perform.

I know of many an occasion where such a suggestion would be viewed as not "Great, we can spend the day being intimate", but "Great, I can catch up on so much sleep and read that book...."

TRy to rekindle the romance. Try to find sometime just the two of you. (withouthaving sex.) .

I have no words of wisdom, but I am in the same position.
Sending love x

My gut feeling is that his reasons stated are not the real ones.

I have two teens in the house and it really can be off putting. They are pretty nocturnal!

Can you try putting a film in for background noise so you arent over heard?

Morning sex could also be a good idea, is he up for that?

I think maybe as your kids get older, he's feeling uncomfortable about their proximity through the wall and this is damping his ardour.

Sex at 5am is a good option.

Or he's having an affair but in the absence of any other signs, v most likely not.

I'm so sorry as it's horrible to feel he's unavailable and you are left bereft. Try initiating maybe in the night/early morning.

And we still haven’t had sex!!

I’m at breaking point. Surely ther s only so many times a woman can be rejected? Even on his birthday!! I had made such an effort, we cuddled and kissed. It was lovely! But nope. Nothing.

@Mummypig2020 . I hate to ask but have you been more overt when kissing and cuddling...I'd have you actually taken the initiative and started feeling him and starting to rub him, even try oral if you can get that far?

If he doesn't start getting aroused then, you have a real reason to start a discussion. Not many men don't respond but if he doesn't you really do have a problem

He doesn’t like me touching him, he doesn’t have much confidence

Well if his issue is confidence then maybe you can build it back up? Maybe pressure of and do things like a massage etc? Issue is kids I guess he will say?

Maybe just offer to perform oral sex on him. Take the pressure off?

He won’t let me touch him. I tried snd he couldn’t push me away quick enough

I second PrawnSacrifice's advice. Have you had a think about it?