Will most men try it on?

[Ritascornershop]

I’ve had fairly limited experience of men - lived with my bf when young for a few years, then a long term marriage with the next man, then love of my life who I had to break up with, then recently tried dating a bloke but am giving up on him (for various reasons). 3/4 of them (all but the first) tried to hustle me along to bed.

I like sex just fine, it was epic with the love of my life, but for the most part I need to trust the man first. Recent fella is over 65 (just over 10 years older than me), we’ve been on 5 socially distanced walks and he said he’s “never been this patient”! 5 dates without sleeping together does not feel like deprivation to me, I feel I’m just getting to know him (this + that he’s told me he probably just wants fun, which I translate as meaning sex, has put me off him).

As I said, I don’t have much experience, but I find this sad. For me, especially at my age, I’d like to get to know someone first and wonder if most of them try to accelerate things or if I just don’t appeal to more domesticated types?

I think he’s best off with a fuckbuddy for now (Though I did think by almost 70 a man might not be into that)
At his age I would suggest that a FWB was exactly what he would be into. He does not want the family complications that a serious and committed relationship (particularly marriage) would bring. Added to which he is probably still greaving and is not ready to move on emotionally but misses the physical side of marriage.

That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought of it like that. I suppose I was thinking of my kids’ grandad, who, after being widowed about the same length of time, met a woman and they had dinners and went on holidays and (he told me) watched a lot of telly. He wanted company (& perhaps sex). She is a fixture now.

When I was dating my current partner of 17 years we reached the stage when she wanted to sleep with me. I had applied no pressure for her to do so. She indicated that she wanted to spend the weekend at my little cottage, so we both knew what was on her agendum.

In preparation I left a card on her pillow that would be found when she climbed into bed. In the card I wrote that she didn't have to do what she was about to do and that I would respect her wishes whatever she decided. She thought it was a lovely gesture to be treated in this way, and of course we did make love that night for the first time.

We occasionally talk about that card and the attitude that lay behind it, and I am sure it played a part in her thoughts about me then, and now.

So the answer is that not all men try it on.

Thank you xpc! I had repeatedly told him, from our second walk, that I’d need to go slowly (tactfully alluded to previous abusive relationship), so I’m feeling also that he’s either not a great listener or just will push his own agenda regardless.

Fine if he wants a fwb, it’s not what I want, but it’s also the feeling rushed that bothers me. On my end it has not felt like it was evolving naturally.

And that was a lovely gesture, I’m sure it made her feel valued and that you were trustworthy.

He has told you that he only wants a fun relationship. Fair enough but if it’s not what you want then you should walk away before you get hurt.

Oh, I plan to. We’ve been going for walks and it was scheduled to pour all weekend so we agreed not to see each other till the long weekend was over.

When we started going for walks I think he wasn’t aware that he wasn’t ready, he’s only brought it up the last two times so it took a while for the penny to drop.

I think that older men, 65 ish don't have much sexual prowess, but they imagine that they do. You are younger,and attractive, so this has fired the man up. But you might find him to be a bit of a flop in the cold light of day

That’s a bit ageist! I’m 40, have a current fuckbuddy who is 67 and he honestly has tremendous stamina. So much more than some men half his age.

I think statistically it likely has some truth to it though. Your current man may be in the slight minority.

Ritascornershop, it must also be said that I have had perfectly lovely relationships in which we ended up in bed hours after meeting. You need to do what is right for you at this moment and never forget that only a total dick would apply pressure on someone in order to get inside their pants.

Thanks I spent years with the previous man with him going from saying I was his soulmate to doing a vanishing routine, back and forth all the time, but the good times were so good I let this go on way too long. So now I want to be important to someone or be alone, I don’t want the in between thing where you’re intimate but if you have a medical emergency you have it with no support. Etc.

He hasn’t pressured me exactly, just that I guess our ideas of taking it slowly are very different. I did not think that after saying I wanted to take it slowly he’d be telling me after 5 dates that he was being patient. I guess I feel if he was interested in me (versus just the sexual part of me) then I’d be worth waiting for a little longer.

I also felt his style of snogging was a little teenage boy for me, all rushed and urgent and I find it 100 times sexier to slow it down and explore and appreciate each other. And I can live without bad sex (he may well have exactly the right style for some, but I suspect not for me).

TBH he sounds rather selfish and immature. 1) bad snogs 2) fast snogs 3) "patient" my eye 👁. Don't think he's the man for you as you suspect! Your instinct is 100% correct so be confident in that. Also i suspect you are being cautious as you are still a bit tender after your relationships. Aw am sorry to hear that. I would work on your own self confidence and worth before meeting a new man as people tend to sniff out when you're in a weaker place and take advantage of it! Be strong and you will get someone worthy of you, that's been the only problem believe me that no-one has been worthy so far!! He sounds like a selfish teen and should know better XXX

I think most men would shag anything if they knew they’d never get caught

No,,i accept that many men will try it on but its not a big priority for me and im in no rush.

Hi I was OLD a few years ago. I was definitely after a relationship with good sex, and sex with no r/ship was acceptable but r/ship with no sex was not.

If we hadn't got sexual after three dates I would want to know why - it wasn't a no but it was a signifier that her goals were not the same as mine.

I've now met the LOML and we DTD on our second date. To me that was an indicator that she was serious about having the sort of relationship I wanted. And we could then talk about what sex we liked in a constructive open and not tense way.

I wonder how long someone would wait to have sex though. I had sex with previous partners within 4 months of meeting them. With current date, only met once then got steamy (no sex) but I would like to wait and take my time to see if the relationship has legs. How long is too long?

oh gosh if you do'nt like kissing Mr Just Fun, don't even bother meeting up with him again, he sounds vile.
Btw it's probably/definitely not that you exude some kind of "just for now" vibe, it seems more likely that due to your unconscious caution you are picking or spending time with men who are not up for commitment. I used to do that all the time, partly because I wanted fun, which for me means shared activities and nice sex. I didn't realise that there are men who are good in bed but actually have low self-esteem themselves and therefore they don't think they can or should have a committed relationship. So I would be thinking that the fun sex and various activities would lead to long-term partnership or marriage, and it didn't.
Unfortunately I then went to the other end and only picked men who were very into me, while I liked them and fancied them enough, but didn't adore them in return. That ended up with a sightly guilty conscience on my part, because I always knew I was there for a good time and fun and good conversations (where they actually listened to me, rather than telling me about themselves), but I knew I would not fall in love, and therefore I knew I would leave after a while. It's complicated, I suppose.

I'm 42 now and going on a lot of dates. I think that if you've spent long enough on each date, doing something other than just having drinks, like goign for long walks or similar, then three meetings is actually enough to know if you can imagine sleeping with them. And once you can imagine it, why not do it...just not with this guy, who doesn't seem to have considered the possibility that you don't fancy him. Which you don't.