We haven't had sex for 2 years?

[itsnotallrainbows]

Since our child has been born ( he's 4 this year) me and my oh have only had sex twice and that was the first 2 years. We literally haven't had sex for 2 + years no touching no sexual interactions.
Is this normal? Am I the only one? I want to feel loved and feel wanted but we just don't talk about it. Every time I mention it it just makes things awkward so now I don't mention it at all.
I comfort eat and have put on some weight so part of me thinks that's the reason he isn't attracted to me. What do I do?!

No, it isn't normal and you are definitely not the only one - but that does not make it any easier to endure.

This life is too short to go through it without physical affection and sexual satisfaction. These things are a vital part of our lives for most of us and it does us a lot of good to be desired and wanted.

I would sit him down and put those cards on the table. He needs to know that if he does not provide for your needs that you will probably find them catered for elsewhere. It has to be that blunt.

Sex and physical expressions of affection are the outward manifestations of what we feel for someone. It sounds as though he has no emotional connection whatsoever with you - and a bit of weight has nothing to do with it.

I wish you all the best, but in the long term this relationship sounds as though it is heading for the rocks if he continues to do nothing.

It's exactly the same in my marriage. My husband is never interested in physical contact, closeness or sex to say the least. We only dtd whenever he wants and on his terms. For example, he has to only be on top and no other style but missionary. I feel redundant and used because I'm not allowed to initiate any sex or sexual contact without being shunned even though when we dtd once in a blue moon it's perfect and fulfilling to me.
On other aspects, he's shown me so much support especially career wise. He's just inconsiderate in the sex and romance department. He once said he pities me because he's not the sex type. I've worried myself sick over this issue for the 7 years of my marriage.
My recent resolve to save my mental and emotional health is to stay in my space, be friendly with him as he's an OK Dad and housemate. I'm worried that no one is perfect out there and you might meet a very sexual person that might be a nightmare in your personal space. I'm keen to hear from other opinions about this subject matter.

@Mum2jnk

Maybe that would be the case with someone
new but I would be willing to take the risk if it had come to what you are having to put up with. Withholding sex is a form of control and it’s a very subtle one as these people who do it throw the odd crumb now and again to keep you interested.

I didn't have sex for about three years with my wife.
She started off withholding it and gradually I found that I didn't want it , then I didn't want it with her.
In fact I couldn't imagine wanting her sexually again...so we separated.

@Axcde
I totally agree with you.

At first, the withholding partner may seem to have control over the OH. It feels like the emotional and sexual aspects of the relationship largely depends on him/her as the case may be.

Somehow with time, I've assessed my situation and found there's absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting/wanting sex. I'm never going to ask or make a single move. Neither am I going to consent to sexual moves from OH, because I feel so utterly used and unloved afterwards. I'm gradually gaining emotional independence and soon this shamble of a marriage will be history. Not because I've got someone new but because it's so emotional skewed. Better to be alone and not have expectations than have expectations that are never met.
All the best to everyone trying to figure out this subject matter.

I'd like to know why I can't find a man like this?

I'd love someone who isn't interested in sex.

All of mine have been sex mad endlessly.

Thanks for the post mum2jink.ive lost interest too, because feel used and as if he’s in his own world of porn. He might not be, but I just don’t feel involved! Working on my emotional independence too. It’s a long hard road, good luck back atcha!

It’s been over 2 years since my DW and I have done anything remotely intimate.

I really can’t stand it

I have tried to discuss it but usually gets brushed over with:

“It hasn’t really been that long” (I know exactly when and it is that long)

Or “I know, I have been stressed, so tired etc etc”

Even on the hottest of nights she wears the thickest possible pyjamas to bed. And often i have to move my 8year old back to his own bed before i can even get into bed. I read this as a way of putting me off, making it absolutely obvious that anything physical is totally out of the question

Is it fair in a marriage for one partner to completely deny the other a whole aspect of a relationship

But what can I do?

I don’t want to leave her or my children I love her very much but this total denial of any physical contact is eating me up.

@Secretsquirrel2017

That's so sad but even sadder, it is no longer a marriage. It is a close friendship with shared parenting. When one person isn't happy then you need to grasp it and discuss it with her but if you are thinking of leaving them she needs to know.

I had a friend, not quite like yours but she was busy socialising, spending and coffee mornings. Husband high earner and unlike,some pulled his weight but basically came to the conclusion it wasn't a marriage. He left. Was very reasonable and they settled amicably but from her saying to me, there isn't a day she doesn't regret not nurturing her marriage more instead of everything else. He has remarried (there wasn't another woman) and she is so bitter but blames herself.

So please do give her a chance but if it can't work then leave as it won't last

@Secretsquirrel2017 you talk about it more seriously again. If it's not entertained, then you weigh up if you'll be able to live a full life feeling as you do.

I suffered for over a decade. Ultimately and ironically she cheated on me and the decision to leave was so much easier. Having spent a lot of time rediscovering myself, I wish I'd had the courage to leave a lot earlier.

Thr grass isn't always greener, but it's so so easy to be blind to your own unfulfillment because of the level of investment you have in a relationship, even if it isn't actually a relationship.

We didnt have sex for 5 years after our daughter was born.
We had about 2hours sleep a night every night till she went till school.

Op,
I feel for you. Unfortunately, it's not just women that suffer this.

My XW and I gradually stopped having any sort of intimacy. It wasn't my decision. One night, she told me to stop snogging her, as she felt like I was suffocating her (My kissing technique had not changed in the 15 previous years of our relationship). Then I couldn't masturbate or finger her, then I couldn't touch her breasts. Eventually, we stopped having sex.

I put up with this for some time, but one day I woke up and decided I couldn't be in a sexless relationship any longer. We talked about it, and she blamed the Menopause (which is fair enough , I now know that can have a huge affect on libido, both up and down), and we eventually divorced.

I also now know that she suffers from depression (I didn't know at the time, but, in fairness, neither did she), which was another factor.

Op, you have to decide what you want from the relationship.

I'd say that you have to force him to talk about the issue. Maybe arrange a baby sitter, and book a night in a hotel (so he can't easily escape! ), and sit him down.

However, decide what you want from the talk beforehand.

It’s perfectly acceptable to feel the way you do. Tiredness and fatigue can have an effect on a person’s libido but you still have to make time to be intimidate with each other, it’s just making the time and prioritising it.

@Gre8scott Did it get better then? I'm looking for a success story following a drought

This in spades. It took me a long time to realise how true this is.

Please don’t waste your life in this relationship. Sex and affection are not rewards, or out of the norm. They are the basis for a healthy, loving relationship.

Please don’t underestimate the effects of the withholding of them on your self esteem and mental well-being.

This thread is 2 years old people 🙄

Oh 🤦‍♀️ I didn’t check the dates

Happened to me. Two years. One of the many reasons I left.