Where do I go from here?

[Twinklelittlestar1]

Since DP and I first got together it has always been left to me to initiate sex. I was actually his first sexual relationship and he had had performance issues in past relationships which prevented him ever having full intercourses and rocked his confidence. He always proclaims this is the reason he isn't 'confident' sexually.

When we first got together we had regular sex but again always instigated by me which started to wear me down as I began to feel undesirable. I noticed if I didn't instigate it, it never happened.

I caught him watching porn several times in the early days. I considered if this was the issue and that he was fulfilling himself this way (he got to 30 without having full sex with someone else so perhaps he'd become reliant on it?) he said no, he did want sex with me, did find me attractive but felt unconfident initiating it. I understood but still felt so unfulfilled.

I started to feel invisible. I stopped wearing my nice underwear, stopped feeling 'desirable'. I'd bring it up time and again, explain how I felt, how I needed him to initiate more and he always listened attentively and said he'd work in it.

We went through a lot emotionally. We lost a child and we had another baby. We were excellent at supporting each other emotionally through it all. We parent well together most of the time. We have fun. He is supportive and caring. But the sex is now non existent. I don't really even want to have sex with him anymore as it all has to come from me. Yet I dream about sex a lot. I would like not to feel invisible. I would like to feel feminine , desirable... things I have felt in past relationships.

He's not been sleeping well so pretty much moved into the spare room. This has totally disconnected us completely. I've voiced how I'm feeling about all of this and as always he says he wants to fix it but I feel despondent as I feel what he means is he wants me to fix it.

I don't think he's ever going to change. I feel lonely and I don't know what to do next. I feel happy in many other areas of our relationship but this issue will not go away. I really don't know if this is salvageable?

Sounds complex but also that he has deep seated issues. I can see why you feel so sad and disconnected by it all and him sleeping on his own won't help either.

To be honest I'm not sure there is a solution aside from you separating and getting yourself together. There will be someone out there who will love you and also have a fulfilling sex life with. There is nothing better for me than DH really wanting and desiring sex and feeling satisfied after laid in his arms. Sounds like you have never really had that

I agree with the above poster. He won't change. Whatever his issues are, I don't think they can be resolved. I would say he seems asexual with no real interest in sex, but then the porn usage is weird if he was asexual. For some reason he doesn't want to do the physical act. One of the best things in a good relationship is the passion. If you want that then I think your best bet is leaving him because he won't fulfill your needs and you will come to resent him.

My wife has been like this for many years now. Doesn't want sex. Never initiates. When it is discussed she blames it on a lack of boyfriends before me (we're mid 40s now!). She doesn't see it as a problem, so sweeps it under the carpet and carries-on with an otherwise 'okay' life whilst avoiding my elephant in the room. She still masturbates occasionally and watches Love Island and other romantic programmes, but doesn't have any practical interest with me.
No real help I'm afraid. I don't see anything changing in her, so longer term it's a decision between staying and accepting the way things are, or leaving.

He sounds incredibly depressed..

I think he sounds very low/depressed and he will drag you down with him if you don't get some help x