Not sure whether to be upset or not..

[LOTTIE881]

Hi, first time posting, have been on for a while hoping to find similar situation but biting the bullet and putting this out there to get some advice (I think?)

Myself and fiancé are late 20’s, we have an 18m old baby and I think in the last 2yrs we have had sex just 5 times. He is an excellent Dad, fantastic guy but I’m silently going out of my mind at our lack of sex life.

He didn’t want to have sex whilst I was pregnant which due to a huge fear of something going wrong during the pregnancy / labour I understood. He then didn’t want to have sex as our baby boy was in the same room as us up to 9 months. Now he says he can’t enjoy it with him in the house. We have spent just 1 night away since then and had sex in a hotel which he initiated.

Sex doesn’t last long at all, it never has. On average about 2 minutes so it’s always him who gets a happy ending and although foreplay is great I am rarely able to catch up him so to speak.

We have got into bed tonight having not had sex for over 3 months and he has said yet again ‘he’s tired’. I just out of the blue said ‘sorry are you not at all sexually frustrated? Because I am. If we aren’t having sex then we’re basically just roommates’ to which he replied it’s isn’t high up on his priority list, when he gets into bed he just wants to sleep, he’s exhausted having to look after our little boy (we are both home at the moment so it is split 50/50), that ‘besides you aren’t on the pill’ which no I am not but we have condoms somewhere in the house and no he isn’t sexually frustrated and ‘sex isn’t everything’

Whether I’ve been reading too many mumsnet posts or not I just can’t help but find it odd. He’s next to me fast asleep and I’m feeling a bit fed up / upset / confused - I thought guys are meant to want sex all the time or at least be thinking about it. I have friends who moan that they get harassed by their boyfriends day in and day night and I’ve never had that.

Sorry if this is all rambling, would be nice to get some advice I guess? And no he isn’t gay or cheating on me as far as I am aware!

That's very unusual for a man who's only in his late 20's! Ok you've ruled out him being gay or cheating... do you suspect he's watching /addicted to porn because from years of reading threads on here in 90 percent of cases that's what the problem is. It seems to desensitise them to the point where they're not interested in sex with their girlfriend / wife as it's just not exciting enough. The other 10 percent turn out to be depressed about something, could he have worries that he's keeping from you?
Is he secretive about his phone / laptop or will he let you have free access? You need to get to the bottom of this as you can't live like that at such a young age... you don't want to get to the point where you start thinking it's you that's the problem because it isn't, it's him and I would find it insulting tbh!

He can't be tired if you're both at home and sharing the housework and childcare. He could be worried about you getting pregnant and possibly more childcare costs etc?

Why be silent? Tell him this is a big problem!

I thought guys are meant to want sex all the time or at least be thinking about it.

Total myth. It's more likely that the man.will have the higher libido, but there are plenty of women struggling in sexless relationships where they have the higher libido.

Just sounds like he has a low libido.

A bit of research will tell you that fathers' usually experience a large drop in testosterone levels after the birth of a child. It is Nature's way of ensuring that the baby gets to be first in the queue for food, attention, and care. That is going to result in low libido.

Another factor might be that he sees you now as a mother and no longer an object to be desired. He has also got out of the habit of having sex.

Communication has to be the way forward, even if you tell him that good sex matters to you and if he cannot supply it, you're going to have to look elsewhere.

So you guys aren't married? was the baby planned? Dare i say does he want out of the relationship? I know its of no help to you but as a guy, if a woman flags to me that she wants to have sex, she has usually caught my attention.

Theres clearly more going on here,largely unspoken.

It does seem to be the men that don't want to during pregnancy, don't want to after either - too much swing you as a mother rather than an object of desire. Tbh, I would of not accepted that during pregnancy as I was rampant and my whole body was erogenous - fond memories, that was 16 years ago now, knocking on 50's door, but if a man is just not up for it, they need to accept it's odd and can't expect the other to be sexless and see a GP about it.
Sadly, from what you say, doesn't seem like he's ever been great at it, but you knew this before. Your choice what to do about it if anything 🤷

Seeing you

Regarding hormonal changes, I posted this on another thread:

"Pregnancy and childbirth don't just cause hormonal changes in women, but also their partners. They cause a rush of oxytocin, which helps the man bond with the child, but also reduces libido, which will normally end within the year after birth."

"There was a BBC Radio programme about it recently: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000gn5z"

I think there's a variety of things going on here. He probably is tired, but perhaps also he's unconsciously bracketed out sex now that he's A Parent.

A suggestion: even if he doesn't feel like sex, he can still give you a seeing to without PIV.

Have you thought about running him a bath and taking the baby to bed so he can have some relaxing time to himself. Maybe give him a massage?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. A few things to address, no we are not married but have been together 9 years and baby was very much planned. I do not think he has a porn addiction, he isn’t very secretive with phones / laptops and I’ve suggested watching it together a few times but he doesn’t seem keen. The no sex during pregnancy didn’t really bother me as I wasn’t one of those women that was ‘rampant’ throughout (lucky you though!!).

Perhaps a lot of you are right in that I’m just a Mum now, sad but perhaps a little truth in it. Before baby I had a fancy job in London and was always dressed up whereas now I work in a school and come home a dishevelled mess most days!

We had a chat last night and got lots out in the open, so I do feel better especially when he suggested chatting to a GP / trying viagra. I have taken on board everyone’s comments - thank you.

There’s always someone going to blame mens ED or lack of libido issues on porn - but if it was the woman not desiring intimacy 18 months after giving birth it would be all tea and sympathy. It doesn’t sound to me like he’d have time for any porn let alone so much he’s desensitised or got the mythical death grip. His problem is possibly a combination of physical and mental lethargy. It needs talking about and possibly changes to routine, changes to diet and exercise or even medication to boost energy levels. But all problems are unique so try to get him to open up. This lockdown won’t be helping but good luck OP.

Sorry, was typing before seeing your update. Hope it goes well.

Thank you @Anotherblokelurking you talk a lot of sense! Diet and exercise is a big issue for him, although not overweight in the slightest his eating is appalling and zero exercise. I shall bring it up...delicately!

Low libido and also it doesn't sound like he's ready for another child.
Contraception or not, that will put him off. The desire will be weak.
It's all about communication - you need to talk to him, listen to him, and then do the next right thing.

Just remember that mens testosterone levels are at their highest in the morning, whereas womens oestrogen levels are highest in the evening. Mother nature can be cruel.

It’s not as uncommon as people think for men to have low libido I just think it’s not talked about and society makes us think men should be up for it 24/7.