Feel really sad when he can't get an erection

[blueglassandfreesias]

DH has always had this issue on and off but himself doesn't notice any patterns of when it happens.

He is very generous in bed, happily goes down on me, gives loads of affection, can make me orgasm with his fingers in a few minutes. We are attracted to each other and have sex as often as we can.

But whenever either a) I take control, initiate/ go on top he loses his erection and b) If we have loads of foreplay before i.e. he gives me a massage etc he goes inside me but then loses his erection and we just have to stop.

I sometimes feel really deeply sad about it but also don't want to hurt his feelings and at times we both just end up feeling really sad afterwards because it's just all come to nothing.

It's strange because if we are just messing about in the kitchen while he's working form home, he gets the most enormous erections but if we are in a situation where we could have sex (kids in bed etc) he can't always.

He wants to cheer me up by giving me a massage or another orgasm etc but I feel like he is then having sex at me not with me. I want us both to let go and enjoy ourselves.

It has affected how I am sexually. I used to be confident and free. Now I just have to passively lay there so as not to affect his erection/ sense of control. I don't mind that really because at least that way we both get to enjoy ourselves but I just feel like this lazy lover.

Gah. Can anyone else identify?

Yup...
Every time I hopped on top, it ... deflated (never rock hard beforehand) which makes me feel shitty (on different levels) - do I'm sure he felt pretty shit too.

He has taken Viagra in the past, but not always (kinda takes away any spontaneity)

Think we're kinda on a break right now anyway, what with living separately and self isolating sigh

Has your DP used viagra? Is it option for you guys?

Thank you.
Sorry you’re apart from your partner.
We have considered viagra but neither of us want that.

Sounds like my ex h. Turns out he was a secret porn lover with a death grip!! I had no idea at the time 😂 I'm laughing now but it was far from funny at the time

It is positive that he happily goes down on you and he understands how a woman “works”, as in orgasm.

It’s not often l would suggest this but maybe less forecplay and more indulgence afterwards. In other words go when he’s ready. Then perhaps he can go down on you afterwards.

I don’t understand the Viagra reluctance. I’ve been with people who have used it, l think partly as a self assurance thing. But if you have period pains or a headache most of us take something for it, so why the reluctance for this.

I too wonder at the reluctance to use Viagra. Every time a man tries, and fails, to have sex because of a poor erection, it reduces the chance of a decent erection on the next occasion as so much of what controls our ability to get hard is in our heads. So, forget the loss of spontaneity and plan for a chemical hard-on.

As for how shitty you feel when he cannot get hard, have a thought for how bad he feels.

Why do neither of you want Viagra (or similar) It's not an admission if failure.
It can make things much better for you & you can concentrate on enjoying yourselves & each other. Surely it's no different to a woman trying HRT?
Seems a bit daft to write off what is probably the best solution. Have a look online and buy some Kamagra or Cialis.
It could be a game changer!

Think about it like eyesight. Would you feel bad if he wore glasses? If you need glasses, it doesn’t matter how much you want to see something, you won’t be able to focus clearly without correction. And just because you have your glasses on doesn’t mean you HAVE to look at something. Erections are physiological as well as psychological, and just like vision they change with age (and sometimes surprisingly young age). But don’t go feeling sh!t. Just be glad we live in the age where these things can be helped.

I'm in the same situation as you, it's always been an on/off issue but now since we've had a baby and we don't get as much time in bed I think I'm noticing more.

My partner takes Cialis (like viagra but more flexible in the timing) as he sometimes loses his erection so then worries he's going to lose it unless he's taken it & then loses it etc etc

It's no big deal. I know he fancies me & wants to have sex with me - this is nothing to do with libido, more hydraulics. He wears a cock ring which also helps.

We have great sex

Thanks all

being diabetic my partner has a viagra type tablet on prescription with his other tablets
also try cock rings they are fantastic

I can empathise - I feel similar emotions when DW doesn't get wet despite my best efforts to arouse. I hate using lube so I end up calling quits with a try again another time approach.

@PrawnSacrifice - Use your tongue! Which you should be doing anyway.

Aside from that, it sounds as if you ate trying to have sex when the desire is not there.

I do use my tongue and if after 45 minutes she has an orgasm, (1 in 4 chance at best) she will be wet. But if not she will not be wet, and my saliva is just masking the issue.

As for desire not being there, story of my life.

I think the wetness thing is a bit of an anomaly. I can be turned on without being wet and wet without being turned on. I’ve reassured my DH not to take any notice of my wetness because it’s completely random and we use massage oil every time.
I find oral a bit too gentle and can never orgasm through it, fingers much better.

I hear you on the wetness, I'm just a little cynical given that the first few times with every partner Ive ever had have been plenty wet, and I've never experienced dryness in the early stages, making me believe deep down inside that the link is too strong to ignore.

We gave up on fingers a long time ago, despite using every technique under the sun, it just took too long and I'd get bored, or my wrist / fingers would get tired, or she'd become self conscious of the length of time and dry up. I'm talking well over half an hour. Imagine giving your DP a hand job or blow job for 30-45 mins with no result.... would you get bored, tired or dispirited?

Oral is definitely the most likely to achieve and orgasm (about 25% ish) but again, takes so long it's a now a 'thing' and I just get fed up, dispirited and bored once it starts taking more than 30 mins.

I started to question my technique, but when I ask if there's anything else I can do or do differently, she says it's fine, and the same techniques had previous partners orgasming in 5-10 mins tops, almost without fail.

I really can't be bothered any more - I really want to please her and make her happy, but it's just too much hard work and a chore, not a pleasure.

I wonder if it’s psychological? Does she feel fat? Does she find it hard to relax or receive love/ compliments in other ways?
Sometimes the mind can be a factor.

Probably, but it's been like this for over 20 years and I've tried everything.

How hard you really need to try?

I remember times gone by with previous partners where sex just happened, we'd both orgasm and it'd be great - we didn't have to think about it. This is such a minefield.

@PrawnSacrifice what does your wife have to say about it? Does she think it's a problem? Can she orgasm with a vibrator any faster? Your situation sounds dire.

M 45 here. Being honest I would say the times I have lost my erection have been down to nerves, too much alcohol or feeling the pressure to perform first time with a new partner.

If he like handjobs I would say focus on that. Wank him and get him hard. That and dirty talk and her wearing lingerie does it for me. If he goes soft, then use your hand again and ask him to use his.

Ever seen gangbang porn clips? It's guys all wanking themselves to keep themselves hard for their turn. Your head and body can suddenly work against you and then it makes everything worse.

It doesn't take much early on for a few things to make you lose confidence. I'll share these moments from my past as an insight into my own mind...

First time for me was having sex in my car with a much more experienced girl. I came really quickly and I could tell she was disappointed. I stayed inside her afterwards and was limp and then she started dirty talk again and I got hard. It was a new experience for me. I found her experience and confidence a bit off putting and I was unable to come so soon a second time. That was the first time I faked an orgasm. I was ashamed with myself later that night but I did not know how to deal with that situation.

Few years later and I'm in bed with a girl I was seeing. Her body shape was much larger than I was used to. Again, very experienced and very confident. She would not let me see her undress and she turned off the light. We used condoms and that was new to me. This was the first time I lost my erection. I was hard, then I wasn't. Then I was but was quite drunk and it was far too late for me for my body to work as I wanted it to. She was embarrassed about it and felt as if I had come already. Next day she ditched me. That gave me a big fear of condoms and made me question whether I was going to have erection problems again.

It wasn't until my next GF that I realised I was OK. She was on the Pill and I had no problems. She was confident and a big turn on and she wanted sex a lot. That was a turn on for me and had no issues.

GF after that would like to get me going, then wank me off and make me come. And then want PiV immediately afterwards. It would take a moment to get me hard again. And a couple of comments did mess me up a few times.

If there is any sort of pressure from either side it causes problems.

The best experiences were with girls who'd make a positive comment such as "God I love your hard cock" or "I just want your cock inside me. NOW!" - there would never be any problems.

Worst times were when a lot of booze was involved and everything would be quiet. That's when both of you are thinking 'God is this OK?' "Is he/she Ok with me?" - everyone can be in their own head too much.

I can edge myself looking at porn or surfing online and be hard for hours. Light touch over my clothes also makes me hard. My wife wearing beautiful lingerie gets me hard. I'm visually stimuated and seeing her lingerie helps my focus and helps me to finish.

So hope this helps. Never seen a Dr or tried any pills. TLDR - avoid the booze, ease the pressure, use your hands a lot more.