Husband doesn’t want to have sex anymore

[REBaker]

I have an amazing partner who I love dearly. In all other ways we are perfect together but since I fell pregnant we went from having sex multiple times every day to nothing. He used to make me feel like I was so wanted and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. Now if I so much as try to kiss him he grimaces and laughs. The baby is nearly a year old and this has been going on since the pregnancy. We don’t even kiss anymore. All my advances get turned down and I feel completely lost. I have talk to him about this and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He said maybe his testosterone has reduced since the baby was born but it’s been going on for so long now I don’t know what to do. I feel so unwanted and lost. It’s pushing me away to the point of me just going through the motions now each day. I feel like I am here just to be a Mum and I am his friend. What can I do? Is it just me?

Here's your mate I've been married 5 years & together for 10. Our sex life has dwindled to nothing.

When our relationship was fresh 10 years ago it was an average relationship in the bedroom department & we'd probably have sex a few times a week. I will be honest, I've never had the largest of labido's, my husband in the early days had a very large sex drive & did sometimes get fustrated with my lower drive, but never made it an issue.

Fast forwards 10 years & we've not had sex at all this year yet!!

Every time i attempt to advance on him he makes a joke about my behaviour & brushes me off as "playing/joking around".

13 months ago i underwent weightloss surgery & have lost a large amount of weight. My body shape has completely changed because of that. It wasnt an easy decision to make, but i was seriously overweight and very unhappy. This problem also had a further knock-on effect to my sex drive.

Also, last year we adopted in the summer & this has made on the natural changes any couple having a biological child would experience.

Currently, he's still off work on adoption leave, I've gone back to work as it was financially more suitable. I feel completely unloved by him & i just feel like a glorified cash cow.

Tonight I've tried to make a further advance & he has brushed me off again I've acctually said "our sex life is shit". I was met with silence.

Tell him straight up exactly how you feel and what you want.

Get dressed up and make a move and show how confident you are.
If it's a major issue for you and it's making you feel like his friend/room mate then tell him that and figure out if you want to remain with someone who isn't showing physical attraction to you.

Thanks so much for your advice. I have told him a few times now how it makes me feel. The last time I told him I thought he had listened but he hasn’t so much as tried to kiss me since then. I do want to be with him, I love him so much and he is wonderful in every other way. Just don’t want to make him feel even worse and then he never changes. Maybe I am telling him wrong, to be fair I am not confidently telling him. I will try again but be confident and more stern. Maybe that might help?

@REBaker yeah I'd be super confident when you speak to him about it and spell it out if you have to. He can't get away with shrugging it off. Good luck

🤞

I’m on the other side of the fence, me and DW haven’t had any sort of physical contact for coming up for 2 years.

I used to make all the running I was the one who arranged the romantic get aways cooked the romantic meals bought the nice clothes and the initiated things but fed up being given the brush off.

We’ve spoken about it the long and short is she’s just not interested any more that’s what she told me. I’ve not to find anyone else but it’s been made clear I won’t be seeing any action at home either

Get dressed up and make a move and show how confident you are. I'd advise against this. If my sex drive had disappeared the last thing I'd want would be for my partner to dress up and try to seduce me. I'd probably have sex with them to save their embarrassment though and I'm sure you don't want a pity shag.

Talk somewhere out of the bedroom, somewhere neutral. Be assertive but not angry.

I will say though he's a shit for not discussing it properly with you. And I wish you luck. The more stories like yours I read the more convinced I am that some men just can't see women as sexual beings once they've had a child!

Could be the Madonna/Whore Complex. ( A bit of armchair psychology!)
But sometimes men cannot see you as a sexual partner once you have had a baby, as you are put into the mother (Madonna) role.

You may both need counselling.

Alternatively he may just be feeling, tired and under pressure from the responsibility of fatherhood!💐

I have the same problem, I am so fed up of being turned down I just don’t bother anymore. It’s just embarrassing 😔I do absolutely adore him though, I think anyone that knows us would be really surprised to know we are having this problem and I know he loves me very much. I just don’t understand it. Hope things with your wife get better.

I do think he is very tired from work and being a great Dad. But the complete lack of even having a snog anymore is just killing me. I don’t look as good as I did before having the baby but I am still an attractive woman, I wonder if I am just too predictable and boring now 😔

Yeah you are right. They really do! It’s just such a massive change in such a short period of time. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other before and now there is absolutely no sexual chemistry whatsoever. I feel so in attractive now, feel like this has aged me about 20 years and I am only on my 30’s. Such a difficult one tho because I love him dearly and want to tread carefully, the last thing I want to do is to make him worse.

Maybe I can offer a man's perspective from the position of having been there previously.

There was a time when i just didn't feel sexually attracted to my DW. The kids were young, we were both tired and stressed and completely in parent mode. Neither of us were making an effort and we just became friends and co-parents.

Because the relationship lacked any kind of chemistry or spark, I found it difficult to look at my wife and see her sexually. It almost felt inappropriate and awkward.

When she would make an advance in bed, I'd just clam up and feel anything but sexy. The problem was that without any kind of chemistry, suggestion, mental foreplay, anticipation or build up, during the day or evening, I was getting into bed, tired and with a sexual meter on zero. I simply couldn't go from zero to sexy in 30 seconds because my DW nuzzled up to me naked, as nice as that was.

I didn't blame anyone or anything, but the longer it went on, the more awkward and less sexual things became.

That’s really helpful thank you, and makes sense. How are you both now?

Actually I have a question if you don’t mind? If you were my husband what could I be doing to make you feel better about this all and hopefully helping us get through it and back to a sex life at the end?🙂

Male point of view...

I find that trying to do that build up thing is nice - doesn't have to be all day, but basically a few nice touches through the day, some eye contact, perhaps making sure he knows you've got intentions, maybe some nice underwear on, clean bed ready, a shower or bath together...

I used to struggle with the getting into bed late, tired, looking to sleep and then expected to perform.. I much preferred getting my head into the game a bit earlier...

@RBkr12

Things are a little better, but effectively still the same. DW finds it very difficult to orgasm therefore there's always this 'thing' hanging over our heads that prevents things being 'go with the flow' as if we just 'go with the flow' she will not orgasm, therefore a specific, prolonged and deliberate effort is required to achieve this which in itself makes it a bit of a chore from my perspective - 45 mins of oral for example (which doesn't work all the time) by which time I'm bored, fed up and have an aching tongue/jaw etc and not in the mood any more.

Secondly, I'm on anti- depressants which has not only reduced my libido significantly, but has also stopped me being able to orgasm. I've not orgasmed in many months, therefore with neither of us being able to orgasm, sex is very much a disappointing, dispiriting and frustrating process.

To answer your second question.... it's probably easier to say what not to do, and I realise that to say what I'll say now might convey an attitude or mind set that is not as it may seem, but is more just being honest about what would make me more likely in the mood.

What doesn't make me feel in the mood is to have my DW glued to her phone or laptop all night, barely making any conversation. Sitting there in leggings and a baggy T shirt, hair a mess, no make up and effectively taking no pride in her appearance whatsoever.....

.....which she is absolutely 100% entitled to do and is not being criticised or judged for doing in any way shape or form. But just as you'd likely not take that approach to go on a date, the same applies to creating a sexually positive environment.

In addition, if my wife put her phone down, asked to come and snuggle up to me on the sofa and give me a big cuddle, looked in my eyes and told me she loved me and rather than talking about the shopping, asking me to go and get more toothpaste, who's turn it is for the washing up or whether we need to visit her mother at the weekend, actually had a more sensual conversation, that would also help. Perhaps she might press her boobs into my, hold my hand, look into my eyes and say she's really missed me, and if we're not to tired later, could we have an earlier than usual night to reconnect etc, etc.

That would certainly give me the green light, put me more in a sexual rather than domestic mindset, but without putting me on the spot or making me feel cornered or pressurised.

Thing is, what would help me get in the mood might not be what will work for your DH.

That’s really helpful, and made me definitely see it from more of his perspective. We do still very much have a close connection and cuddle all the time but I can make more of an effort at the end of the day and make more of an effort with him. I am sorry your situation sounds hard, I really hope it gets better for you both! Parenthood is so tough it’s easy to loose each other in it. I really appreciate you taking the time to give me advise. I love my partner to bits and will do anything to make this better, I don’t want to start to be bitter towards him as I know he is not doing it intentionally. I am younger than him so I guess I have a much higher sec drive in any situation 🤷‍♀️ Best of luck to you x

That makes sense! Thank you 😊 It’s really helpful to get a mans point of view on this. It’s tough because I get a lot of attention from other men, but the one man I want the attention from I don’t right now. But I shouldn’t give up on trying. Maybe I should just flirt a bit but not expect anything from it and just take it slowly. He is so worth the wait, it’s just killing me as I would love to be having lots of fun with him now and I fancy him so much that I find it frustrating. This is all really helpful though and hopefully this will pass. He does want another baby, which I was really open to before but now that I have seen what this has done to our relationship I am having huge second thoughts. I don’t know whether to be honest with him about that? What’s do you think? Thanks again 😊

Flirting is definitely something missing in our marriage. If I ever tried to be flirty or suggestive, I got absolutely zero response or acknowledgement, so just gave up.

DW never flirts with me so we're effectively just affectionate house mates.Lots of hugs and tactility, but nothing ever of a sexual nature.

Hence I get into bed and she wonders why I'm just not in that zone.

Thanks, Prawn, it's very interesting to have a male perspective. I'm on the same boat: I've always had the higher libido and things went massively downhill since we've had kids. We've not had sex for three years now and I don't expect to have sex with him again.

This is a huge issue for me and it's reduced me to tears so many times. He just doesn't want me, it's as simple as that. I'd describe myself as very attractive, with a good figure, but he just doesn't see me in that way.

Prawn, you seem to feel similarly towards your wife. Do you love her - be honest! Would you mind if she found sec elsewhere? I feel my husband would be secretly relieved, but also get upset at the same time. I'm afraid I've had a few lovers. I doubt I'd still be with my husband otherwise.

@TR888. Sorry to hear you are suffering. Yes, I love my wife dearly and we do have sex at times, but due to the none orgasmic issue on both our parts, it just lacks any real pleasure or excitement, so what;'s the incentive? Plus the knowledge that I'll have to face 'how/if will I make her orgasm' just puts me off.

My wife is not frustrated in the same way you or the OP appear to be. As I say, we do have sex fairly regularly, it's just that it's rubbish and me declining sex is also a fairly common event.

An open marriage would not work for us in either direction, we're far too close, committed, and very much love each other.

If she was horny, behaved in a sexual fashion, showed enthusiasm and passion and could orgasm without it being a mountain to climb, I'd likely feel differently, but as it is now, there's just no incentive, either physically or form a pleasure reward perspective to make me inclined to want or look forward to it.

For example, she will give me oral and I can see she is doing it, I can feel she is doing it, but it's no more than comforting or mildly soothing, the same way as a someone stroking your hair - it will never lead anywhere for me, so she'll do that for a a few minutes and I'm no more turned on than I was before she started, Yes, I'm physically aroused, but my brain is just meh and an orgasm not even a remote possibility.

it makes me sad that even before the anti-depressants stole my sexual pleasure, my DW has never given me an orgasm via oral or hand.

Ever.

I had a really good chat with him today and actually feel a lot better. I don’t think it’s me or anything wrong with us it’s just work, baby and life. Taking some of your advice I am feeling a lot more positive about the future. Thanks everyone 🙂

Pregnancy and childbirth don't just cause hormonal changes in women, but also their partners. They cause a rush of oxytocin, which helps the man bond with the child, but also reduces libido, which will normally end within the year after birth.

There was a BBC Radio programme about it recently: www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000gn5z