Don't want to have sex with DH

[wishitcouldbedifferent]

I'm at a total loss. I love him so much. He is my best friend. But I just can't seem to want to be intimate with him! We have no children and we are mid-late 20's.

I definitely still have a sex drive. I just don't fancy it with him! I'm so confused by it! I would never ever cheat.

I think it would be easier if I felt like I had no drive at all, but it's the fact I do that is confusing me! But why don't I want him?

I find myself not cuddling him as much as well. Which is very sad. And I know he is very upset by all of this. We communicate a lot.

It started a few years ago and has gotten worse. A few years back he said he was going to stop initiating as he hated being rejected. But honestly, I don't think we had a problem at this stage! I remember being confused by the fact he thought he was "always rejected". It's just gotten worse since then. So he never ever initiates. Hasn't for years now. But we communicate a lot, and he says he wants us to have sex a lot more often than we do. But he still refuses to initiate.. I have communicated that I don't want to always be the one that needs to initiate. I have told him over and over again how much it turns me on when he initiates! But still nothing.

I know one thing one might suggest is that it is he who actually has the low sex drive.. but I honestly don't think this is the case! Considering how often this topic causes problems for us, with him leading the conversations on how he wishes we would do it more often. He cry's, asks if I don't fancy him etc. it's very real emotion. So I believe him.

We are the best of friends. No other relationship issues at all. But.. this one is festering and building up and it's making me anxious about our future now.

We can not afford counseling at the moment.

I will end this now as I don't want to ramble on too much. Thank you for reading this far. I need words of advice / support. I just don't know how to fix this. I don't know if it can be fixed at this stage. I'm still so young, I don't want my sex life to be over already.

I think this should be in relationships as you may get better help there.

I think you just need to separate as you don't feel the kind of love needed in a marriage. It's unfair to you and unfair to him. Your actions are denying both of you a major part of marriage satisfaction. You can't make yourself fancy someone you don't unfortunately

I think things sound very confusing. You say you don’t want sex with him but you want him to initiate. He says he desperately wants more sex but won’t initiate. It’s really unclear what the problem is.

Do you no longer find him attractive?
Do you feel insecure because you don’t feel like he finds you attractive?
Is there a history of you rejecting him that’s made him feel insecure?

It’s hard to advise because it’s not at all clear what the problem is. I would try to find the money for counselling (not sure what Relate charge?) to help you figure out what’s going on

Maybe some couples counselling to get to the bottom of why you're both having these problems. It's confusing for sure

@wishitcouldbedifferent

This sounds all sorts of wrong. I can't understand why your partner wont initiate if he wants sex.... fear of rejection fine but surely after discussing it to death he must now realise he wont be rejected ? I think it's an excuse.

If you dont fancy him theres really not much you can do to change that...you either want him sexually or you don't. Sounds like you don't. And to be fair all the talking, refusing to initiate, crying etc would put me right off him and kill any attraction. How unsexy.

The relationship sounds hard work and unhealthy....I think you're very mismatched ...you cant spend your life with someone you dont fancy. You're so young....if he wont help fix this then just move on. You need and deserve a healthy, fun sex life.

Have you got yourselves into a state where you both actually want it bit feel the other one should initiate? Of they don't then you feel let down and thus don't fancy it?

Maybe of you both sit down and arrange a time you both agree on in the future? That way neither of you has to 'make the move' ?

It really sounds like this could be sorted out.

I would tend to agree with TobyHouseMan that it sounds fixable but you have to take into consideration that you are still young and without the complication of having children, you need to think carefully about your relationship because companionship alone - especially at your age is not IMO really enough.

It is definitely fixable. I was like this with my fiance, and it took a long time to get back to normal. I found the longer I left it the less and less I wanted to have sex with him again. I just bit the bullet and dtd even though I wasn't really into it. We kept it short and sweet the first few times and I never finished, kinda like trying to trick my body into wanting it again. It worked for me, but I no its not easy to have sex when you don't really want it x

Oh and BTW I'm mid 20's x

If he did try to initiate, would you want sex?