Help to change things

[vanillagirl1]

I've been married to my DH for 13 years, together for 18 years but both Christians and waited to have sex until married.

Sex is ALWAYS the same.

We cuddle and kiss and touch each other,
I give him a blow job,
He gets on top and we have sex missionary style.

We both do usually have organisms, but yesterday I timed the whole thing to 12 minutes.

It's perfunctory at best. We also only have sex about once a month.

Also despite being in our late 30's and being sexually active for so long, we both still struggle to communicate about sex. But this weekend we've been staying in a hotel and opened up a little to each other that we'd both like sex more often and it to be a lot less vanilla.

But oh my goodness I have no idea where to start!

We're thinking about starting with some toys. What would you recommend? I don't want to spend a fortune and fond we don't like them.

Also, we don't have sex when the kids are awake, but as they get older and are awake a lot later, we need to get over this. I'm thinking a lock on the door to start with.

The idea of sexy underwear makes me blush! But I think DH would like it.

Oh just writing this I'm blushing from the neck up!! Name changed but this is real, long term Mumsneter.

Any advice appreciated!

Well it sounds like you’d both like things to be a bit different, which is a great start. I’m honestly thinking sex toys might be a big leap to begin with, but if you do want to try it then I know Love Honey have a policy where you can return things for a certain amount of time if you don’t like them, even if they’ve been used.

If it were me, I would start with some more sensual stuff - candles, massages etc. Maybe a blindfold, so that you both feel less self conscious. At times it may be funny, but that’s okay - nothing wrong with finding a bit of humour in sex.

You could try one of those couples board games that give you dares etc. That might give you some ideas and reduce the pressure of having to know what to do.

You could sign up to OMGYes which would give you lots of ideas on things he could do for you - it is explicit, but doesn’t feel pornographic at all.

There are quizzes online where you each tick what you would like to do and then compare results but they tend to be a bit hardcore so may not be appropriate at this stage.

First of all it is great that you are both on the same page and wanting to climb out of the rut you have found yourselves in. Your communication cannot be that bad, as you have actually talked to each other. You have the emotional equipment needed to rectify this situation.

This needs to be a project for the both of you to be involved in. Knowledge is power, so start doing some internet searching. I'd recommend a decent vibrator as your first toy purchase. They are often a woman's best friend, but can be used equally well on a penis, and other areas. You can branch out into all sorts of thing and sites such as Lovehoney.co.uk sell inexpensive toys, for example bondage starter sets, etc. If you find things fun, then you can invest in better quality toys.

I am not a woman but if I was going to spend money on lingerie, I would not be buying the often low-quality gear from the web. I would be purchasing from decent High St retailers who sell some really nice stuff. You need not spend a fortune, but when you do secretly buy stockings & suspenders to wear in bed, send him a picture of you wearing them when he is at work so that he knows what is waiting for him at home.

My partner and I got together when she had three children. She did night shifts, often at weekends, and I did Mon-Fri 9-5, so we sometimes went to bed on Saturday afternoons. We simply told the children we were not to be disturbed and we disappeared for a couple of hours. Obviously, they were old enough to look after themselves but it will do them no harm to know that their parents enjoy a physical relationship. Our children seem to have grown into well-adjusted adults without hang-ups about sex. You do need to make sure you have some quality time for sex, as with children you can often be too tired when bedtime comes.

You mention that you are Christians, as though that ought to have some sort of repercussions on what you do in bed. People who have interesting varied sex lives in the course of which they experiment are not under the influence of Satan - they are just enjoying themselves. Leave guilt where it belongs - which is well away from the bedroom. Enjoy your body, enjoy his body, and have some dirty, uninhibited fun. Try some new positions for sex; it must be dreadfully boring to perform the same script for year after year.

I am sure that some of the MNers will be along to offer all sorts of suggestions, but I want to say a big 'Well Done' for starting to salvage things before they got too bad.

Best wishes.

Well firstly, well done to you both for wanting to spice things up, its easy to get stuck in a sex rut, and not know how to get out of it. I would start slow, maybe try a couple of different positions, for foreplay and sex, try some sexy lingerie, but maybe just fancy knickers or a silky short nightgown. Build up to toys if you want to, there are lots out there to choose from, maybe sit together and choose which ones you would like to try? And keep talking to each other. Good luck

Toys are good fun, DH loves it when I use my vibrator for him to watch.... be confident or fake it and KNOW that whatever you do will drive him mad. A sexy little baby doll slip if you dont fancy the whole suspenders thing and a little pocket vibrator would be a good start. You can use it on him too. Then take it from there...

Good luck OP, so important to keep the spark alive

A nice, cheap and easy vibrator is the lipstick-sized Durex Intense. You can get it at Superdrug. I saw something like this on a Christian sex website www.married...something or other.

I think before splashing out on toys, why not start off more simple and try changing positions so it's not always missionary?

I know you said you always give him a blow job, but does he return the favour? Maybe you could suggest you'd like to have him do that for you?

The Mojo Upgrade website is quite good if you want to see what each other want to try, you just each answer questions and then the answers that are paired it tells you. So for example it might be "give each other a sensual massage" or "be blindfolded". It's worth a go.

Good job on the communication! Honestly they is such a hurdle and you should be really proud that you both able to have such a frank discussion about it.

I just want to mention though, I do completely disagree with a process whereby your children KNOW you're slipping off for sex. There are countless threads on here about the trauma children feel if they know or overhear mum and dad having sex and whilst it's great that an above poster found this had no impact on their children, it is certainly not the case for everyone.

Both have "organisms" in 12 minutes? Each?

Many will envy you.

!!!!

But seriously it does sound a bit "mechanical" rather than loving. I wonder whether your christian upbringing has anything to do with it and if you think that possible whether some suitable counselling might help

@vanillagirl1

Try positions, me and my fiance were a bit like this when we met so I bought the kamasutra book of sex positions and we looked through and talked about what we wanted to try etc. Very enjoyable trying new things and made us talk more openly about sex. We just did the simple ones at first and as we got more confident tried some of the more unusual ones.
I struggle with confidence wearing sexy underwear so don't do it often but when I do OH loves it. Maybe let him hell you choose your first couple of outfits?

Why not (when lockdown is over) book a weekend away together, maybe somewhere with a hot tub or something, some new underwear buy a new toy or something together