Out of practice

[Nogoodwithgoodbyes]

I’ve been separated for almost a year in the same house in separate bedrooms. H says no dating until I’ve moved out.

Our sex life was not good and it’s been a long time since I’ve done it! I’m scared at the thoughts of being sexually intimate with a man again. I really don’t know if I’ll be able to let my guard down. I’ve lost a lot of sexual confidence. How on earth do I get it back? I’m not in to one night stands at all. Thanks.

It isn't clear whether you have met someone? If not then stop the worrying and let things happen naturally unless you are trying OLD. You don't say your age but importantly get to know them, and well. Do not rush or let them pressure you into sex before you feel ready, and you will know you feel ready and want to. That won't necessarily remove any anxiety but if you have got to know him well enough then you could confide some of your nervousness to him.

When the time comes, make sure you feel nice. Ie perhaps a visit to the beauticians for your regime. Be a little more adventurous; consider waxing and finish with a massage. New lingerie that makes you feel sexy and something new to wear that evening, but that won't be a nightmare to take off.

All the best.

Thank you. No I haven’t met anyone and I’m not even in the dating game. I won’t be until I move out. It’s hard to know when I’ll feel ready after the separation/divorce.

Op,
"No dating until I move out"
Firstly, why are you allowing him to dictate what you do? If your relationship is over, and it sounds like it is, then it's none of his business what you do, and with whom.

I understand that you can't have anyone back to the shared abode, but there are plenty of places to go to, to date / meet someone / have sex with them - he doesn't have to know anything about it.

It's completely understandable that you have lost confidence, particularly if you are going through a messy separation / divorce, and @Nogoodwithgoodbyes has some great ideas, but what is it that scares you about being intimate with someone new?

Yeah, there’s been a year of celibacy as well as no male attention whatsoever; so I feel crap about myself. It’s true: he shouldn’t get to dictate but that’s pretty much what’s been happening.

I guess most of my mates (I’m nearly 40) are married with kids, so few enough chances to go out.

Meanwhile I fancy the arse off a healthcare provider I’ve been seeing once a week for the past few weeks. I had got the impression he liked me too but in our most recent appointment, he was much more distant and business-like which made me sad!

I don't think you need to worry. Over-thinking things will lead to anxiety, and that will lead to more over-thinking, etc., etc. Just rely on it being like riding a bike in that once you find someone you want to have sex with you'll be able to climb back into the saddle, wobble about for a minute or two, and then ride confidently off into the sunset - as long as you don't make a big deal about it in your head.

Thanks @xpc316e

It’s just been so long since I’ve done it and even longer since I’ve enjoyed it but maybe thinking about it is just a distraction from the much bigger problems I have right now! I do look forward to a nice experience in the future.

The first thing to do is to find the confidence to control your own destiny and that means dating who, when and how you want. Get out there and enjoy yourself. The rest will come naturally.

Good luck!

Op,
If you are seeing the healthcare provider professionally, then he is doing the right thing by being distant and business like - after all it's his job and career that could be on the line if he oversteps.

However, nothing to stop you asking him for a drink once your treatment has finished...

@xpc316e is right - your body and mind haven't forgotten what to do. You'll be fine. You just need to find someone to do it with!

Thanks to you both. I know I can't date while living here so hopefully accommodation will get sorted soon. I just couldn't handle it or my H if I started dating.

I think I have just been in such a rut for so long, including the time spent with my H. I don't hate him and he has his good points but it was such a lack-lustre relationship (as well as other bigger issues); so my confidence is shot.

Yeah, I guess you're right about the healthcare provider. I guess I technically could ask him out. but while I'm not one bit old-fashioned in most ways, that is one thing I'm old-fashioned about. I always feel that if guy really likes you, he'll make the effort. I know not everyone agrees with that but that's how I have always operated.