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Porn addiction while married

12 replies

MarriedNoFap · 21/02/2020 14:14

I'll try to make it short: I have been in the habit of masturbating and watching porn or chatting for the better part of my adult life (am in my early 40s). This habit has developed fantasies of control, Domination, humiliation. Recently I have read that porn addiction is a real thing, and that it rewires your brain, requiring more and more extreme images/fantasies to satisfy the craving of dopamine that sex addicts desire.

It all came truly to a head when I finally decided I had enough of hiding and being inauthentic: I disclosed my BDSM desires to my wife and asked her to engage in them, but I also disclosed the porn addiction. She knew I watch porn and masturbate, but neither of us knew about the possible relationship between it and the D/s desires to humiliate. To be honest, it is extremely difficult, and I am not even sure it is possible, to separate how much of these desires are because of porn and repeatedly associating masturbation with humiliation fantasies, and how much is because of other underlying issues (feeling unaccepted, or not powerful, confident ; childhood treatment; etc). Suffice it to say that I have decided to abstain from any kind of porn and masturbation, in the spirit of the NoFap movement (for those who know what it is).
The idea is to re-wire the brain, to "reboot" it, so the extreme desires disappear and a more healthy outlook on sex ensues.

The question here is for anyone who has dealt with porn addiction while married: How do you deal with sex with your partner? I understand that one is much more likely to relapse after sex, as urges are much stronger for a few days after. My goal, for now, is to have no masturbation alone, whatsoever. I just don't know if I also need to abstain from sex with my wife for a long while. the prospect of no sex with my wife is really really bringing me down. All along what I wanted to achieve is more sex, not less; I feel like it is a genuine need for me.

I'd appreciate hearing from anyone who has dealt with this either as the addicted person or the partner.

Has Anyone else found a connection between D/s desires and porn? Did the desires change/lessen/morph, once the addiction was controlled?
Thanks

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EmergencyGuy · 21/02/2020 15:42

This post smacks as utterly contrived and inauthentic.

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MarriedNoFap · 21/02/2020 16:34

What? Why?! I assure you it is very authentic.

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EmergencyGuy · 21/02/2020 16:56

Because NoFap is a weirdo alt-right Jim Jones group of mind controllers as in "I'll try to make it short" followed by a 50-line massage designed to make people feel bad.

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Alonelonelyloner · 21/02/2020 21:50

I definitely think there's a link.

My partner watches a lot of porn and it tends to be BDSM, but he blames that on me as this is what I like. But now it seems to be his thing. To the detriment of others. I absolutely think that porn numbs the synapses in a way and makes you inured you extremes. Orgasm is like a drug and porn is a means to an end.

I'm not sure you'll need to avoid sex with your wife. I could be wrong, but I also think masturbation is ok, but definitely no porn for a long while to see if it resets you somewhat. Good luck! Please post back. I'd be interested to know how you get on.

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Bluerussian · 21/02/2020 22:08

I'm looking forward to reading more as your story unfolds, op.

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j712adrian · 21/02/2020 23:08

Ah, NoFap. A branch of Every Sperm is Sacred anti-abortionists.

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MarriedNoFap · 22/02/2020 04:45

Hmm, think some people here have the completely wrong idea about NoFap. The reddit group I follow is about stopping porn addiction. I found out about it here:
It's a serious problem, especially for young guys and watching that video was a kick in the nuts wake-up call for me, especially since I am a father of boys. I am so grateful I was made aware of the dangers now, before their teenage years.

Thanks to those who are supportive. Will post progress.

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j712adrian · 22/02/2020 05:36

..... total Yankie nut-job land. "I saw in on a Trump video reddit group".

I'm not denying this is a problem, many say so on here, but going out and hanging funny-coloured undesirables isn't going to solve it.

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MarriedNoFap · 22/02/2020 05:45

I have no idea what you are actually saying. What's Trump got to do with fapping? But hey, it's a good suggestion, thinking of him kills any and all urges! :)
What "undesirables " are you talking about?!

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LexMitior · 22/02/2020 14:22

If this is true then it sounds like your wife doesn’t want to have much to do with you sexually?

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Deathgrip · 02/03/2020 06:52

The responses here are bizarre. Refraining from masturbation because it’s inextricably linked to a toxic porn addition is completely different to abstaining for religious reasons and making others feel bad for masturbating. Completely and utterly different. Perhaps it’s defensiveness?

OP, yes I absolutely believe that porn can be responsible for developing increasingly violent and extreme sexual interests. I’ve seen it happen (to my ex partner, not to me). He started using it a very young age and he had no idea of his sexuality as something separate from porn.

Watching a lot of extreme porn will damage your sex life. It will make IRL sex less exciting, less arousing and less interesting.

You need to reassociate sexual arousal with another human being and sensations other than wanking. For that reason I think having sex is a positive.

Also make sure she’s okay as I suspect she’s quite shocked and upset. Your post suggests you may have encouraged her to act out some of this stuff, how is she feeling about that?

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Cinderella25 · 03/03/2020 10:15

Porn addiction is very real and you can get therapy for sex addiction.

It sounds like you have confidence issues and like to control/ dominate/ humiliate to make yourself feel more powerful.

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