Help required

[Dthedog]

Hi
Our sex life used to be amazing, but has virtually totally died. We have 2 kids (one pre teen and other 4). Both are fantastic sleepers. We have a look on our door to stop unwanted intruders.
I work in the city so invariably don’t get home until 7pm although since Christmas I’ve gotten up early so I can be home by 6.
When I’m home I do the bins, dishwasher, ironing, washing and diy. We have a cleaner and get shopping delivered. My OH works 3 days a week part time, spends a day with our daughter and has a day off every week.
We regularly do things together as a family and me and OH watch tv together most nights. We talk about everything except sex. Every 6 months we have an argument about sex. I want it more, she promises to try harder and nothing happens. When we first got together she claimed to have a very high sex drive, now it is dead. We had another argument this week. We made up and talked openly, and again plenty of promises. Tried to initiate sex last night and yet again nothing.
What on Earth to I do.

People do change over time, but it is quite clear that the woman you married is not the one you now live with. It is not unreasonable for you to want a life containing sexual satisfaction.

That being the case, you need to talk about options. There is no point in arguing about it, but your wife ought to realise that you will seek sex elsewhere if it isn't available at home. Would she be happy with that? She might be prepared for you to have sex outside of the marriage, but if she isn't happy then you should both seek help with from sex therapists, or counsellors. That is what it really boils down to.

How old is she? Hormones play a big part in sex drive. As does mental health. You mention part time working, a cleaner etc so i guess you are making the point that she can't be too tired, but her mental health may still be an issue regardless. Or is she on any medication? Any of these can be discussed with the GP.

How realistic are her/your expectations? You don't say how often it's happening. If you want it twice a day you are being unreasonable. If she wants it twice a year she is being unreasonable.

It's difficult to give advice when you only have a snapshot of people's lives through their short posts, but the state of your marriage will also impact on her desire. Do you show much affection? Support? Are you kind and thoughtful?

I always get annoyed when people post about one partner having 'the right' to a sex life and being encouraged to look elsewhere. Would you really want to blow up your marriage for sex, if everything else is great? And, if so, please be prepared for your next partners to leave you when you inevitable suffer from erectile dysfunctionin your 50s or 60s and they are encouraged to look elsewhere themselves!!

Thanks for points so far.
Let me elaborate further. We are in our mid to late 30s, have been together 6 years and married only 1.
My OH mental health is I think fine, and yes I think I’m caring, thoughtful and considerate.
Regarding expectations, given we are supposed to be in honeymoon phase, are my expectations of a couple of times a month realistic ?

Yes i think twice a month is realistic. I wouldn't say being together for 6 years is still the honeymoon period though, ha ha!! Lots of people have sex a lot less frequently, just in case your expectations are skewed by some of the posts in this topic.

Have you tried talking calmly about this without an argument beforehand (i.e so she's not feeling under pressure or quietly seething about the remarks made during the argument)? Demanding sex via an argument is not a turn on and is in fact a reason not to have sex for most women so will be counter productive. If you think an argument is brewing i'd just immediately diffuse the conversation.

Do you have people that can look after your children overnight? You talk about watching tv together most nights. Maybe you need to shake things up a bit with an overnight stay in a nice hotel every now and then or even just out for 'date nights' (as much as i hate that phrase) to work on her connection with you.

How often does she want sex? Or literally never?

Yes, we do date nights twice a month.
Unfortunately it is virtually never

I was in a situation like this with my x and ultimately ended it as I didn’t find him attractive in that way anymore so it was not fair on either of us to continue. We’re both in new respective relationships now. Not married and no kids tho..

Looks wise do you take care of yourself, similar shape to when you first met ?

Yes. I am the same weight, body shape etc as when we first met. Previously my OH mentioned she felt I dressed up for work and down at weekends so I now ensure I dress up at weekends too

Has the sex dwindled since being married ?

Yes substantially

my cynical view is as follows:
Together quite a while before marriage. Marriage something your DW wanted ?
You both have financially comfortable life enabling DW to work part time enjoy leisure time. DW has got the security of marriage and so less needing to keep you interested. Sure I’ll be massively flamed

Agree with Taraohara.

To be frank, she sounds contented and lazy.

Thank you very much. Although the answer isn’t what I wanted to hear I think the decision is clear. Hope my daughter in time will understand

I'm in the same boat, but it's my OH (male) who has lost his sex drive.
My confidence is rock bottom

I hope you get a resolution.

I have to admit it’s so sad, that the person who used to light up your world, can willingly make everything dark, for both me and our little family

You say you’ve argued about this . But do you think she knows just quite how the situation is making you feel . Eg I’m guessing your thinking of divorce/ affairs?

OP, l think we all agree that you were/are(?) in an upsetting controlling situation deprived of quality oral and your own “me time”. Please let us know how you are getting on.

Re: My post above. I do apologise for derailing a thread with a response that must have everybody confused. Wrong thread! Although l wish the OP well.