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Awful sex life, please help and be kind

14 replies

WishfullyThinking · 19/02/2020 07:29

This is long but I will try to be brief!
DH and I have been married over 30 years. Sex was okay in our younger days - not wonderful, but okay and I suppose I thought it would get better. We have now had an almost sexless marriage for 5 years. (Sex maybe once a year but cuddles and affection .)
Part of the issue for me is he's not great in bed and I'd love to be able to turn this round.

It's got to the point where I have 'threatened' to end our marriage and although I don't want to, and probably won't, I am very unhappy. I feel I want more sex than he does . Although he is often 'all over me' around the house, complimenting me on my figure, saying he likes my bum or tits, it doesn't translate into sex.

I am reluctant to be the one to initiate it because when we do have sex I'm not satisfied.

I feel a fool saying this but I have never had an orgasm with him in our long marriage. I can come on my own ( DIY) but he just doesn't do the right stuff or enough of it.

You might say why don't I 'finish myself off' with him. (I've also got some sex toys which he doesn't know about as I feel too embarrassed to say.)

The issue is I feel inhibited, because I think he is inhibited.

He doesn't seem to like giving oral (though loves receiving it.)
He rarely if ever goes down on me. I've asked why and he will say things like 'he has to be in the mood'.
I've had other men before DH who would just get on with it straight away.

He also doesn't use his fingers inside of me . Spends all his time just rubbing my clit. Again, I've asked why and he says he thought I didn't like it.

So both of the above makes me feel he's not really 'into me' and doesn't like my body.

Which makes me inhibited.

Where would you go with this? I've said I like oral and accuse him of not liking it- which he denies. I've said I'd like some fingering- which he just doesn't do.

I guess I just feel he's a bit squeamish over it all. I don't know! I just find his behaviour in bed really inhibiting as he only does what he wants to do, not what turns me on.

Yet, in every other respect he is the kindest, loveliest and most generous person.

Is there any hope?

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noego · 19/02/2020 08:03

What do you think it is?

1, He's selfish?
2, He's lazy?
3, He's uneducated?

Might be time to see a sex therapist or go tantric. Perhaps going back to ground zero. I.e. starting from scratch again and learning about each others bodies along with date nights, romantic away days or weekends,

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WishfullyThinking · 19/02/2020 10:13

If I had to choose one of those, I'd say 3.
He always says he wants to please me, so it's not 1. I am hovering over 2, but don't really think so.

I had real issues with orgasms all my life. I slept with a handful of men before DH but I'd never masturbated really and hadn't come on my own, and some of the men I had sex with were very inexperienced too.

DH had had a couple of long term girlfriends in his 20s and said they did come with him, but who knows?

I keep thinking that if the roles were reversed, how many men would want to have sex for years and years without coming?

Although he says he loves touching me and finds it exciting, he won't finger me and he won't usually do oral 'unless he's in the mood' - which means highly turned on ( so is that being selfish?)

All of this makes me think he finds my body distasteful OR he has no imagination or little real experience, despite the long term girlfriends before we met.

He knows I'm unhappy and I've said that if we can't get this sorted I feel like walking away. Not because I don't love him, but because I feel he's either incapable of doing things I like, or he won't make the effort. Yet he's so lovely in every other way.

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xpc316e · 19/02/2020 12:11

Firstly, I would like to say that I feel for you in this situation but I have to ask whether some of it is of your own making.

By that I mean that you need to start communicating and telling him exactly what you want of him. Do not rely on subtlety; speak in blunt words of one syllable, for many of us tend to interpret things in the wrong way unless there is total clarity. You have been party to this communication desert for 30 years and you must play the bigger part in bringing it to an an end, as it will not happen by magic.

If you want to be fingered, and not to have your clit stimulated, then you need to grab hold of him by the scruff of his neck, stare into his eyes, and instruct him on what needs doing. When he does as you wish, you need to show your satisfaction. We learn by reward, and his reward is your sexual gratification. He ought to feel good when making you satisfied, so make it obvious what you are experiencing.

He may have had girlfriends who orgasmed before he met you, but I suspect they were faking it, given the levels of his lack of expertise and concern for his current partner's satisfaction. You need to educate and train him; it is not too late for that.

Part of the problem may be that you aren't that sure of what you want, so buy some toys, get a vibrator or two, and find out what makes you orgasm. It is only by knowing yourself what needs to be done to bring you off will you then be able to instruct him. All women are not sexually identical and you didn't come with an instruction manual, so how will he know how to please you unless he is provided with simple, unambiguous orders?

Do not throw away 30 years; make this a project. Sit him down and level with him. We are all allowed to have fantastic, satisfying sex lives but in general they don't come looking for us - we have to create them for ourselves.

Best wishes.

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xpc316e · 19/02/2020 12:15

By the way - it does not matter if he is 'in the mood' or not when it comes to oral. The fact is that you are in the mood for it, and it therefore needs to be done.

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LadShropshire · 19/02/2020 13:53

@xpc316e - can you imagine the reaction if a bloke posted ‘if you’re in the mood for a blow job mate - the she has to oblige’

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xpc316e · 19/02/2020 17:04

@LadShropshire I knew after I posted that someone would come out with that. It was meant somewhat tongue in cheek and in no way did I wish to imply that someone of any gender should force themselves on an unwilling partner. In this example of a relationship that had been malfunctioning for three decades I felt it was high time that the poster took responsibility for her sexual happiness and did something to encourage things along.

If my partner suggested to me that what she wanted right there and then was for me to go down on her, I couldn't imagine claiming that I wasn't in the mood to bring her pleasure. It would be such a dreadful thing to do and if that is what he says, then he needs to change and the poster needs to make sure he does.

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NameChangeNemo · 19/02/2020 17:09

I hear you OP. The dissatisfaction with sex wouldn't make me leave in and of itself, but the lack of response to my feelings about it would. If you've told him how it makes you feel, expressed that it feels like a lack of effort and that this is seriously pushing you away, and yet there is still no improvement or attempt at change, then I would feel disrespected and that would be the thing that ruined the marriage.

I didn't orgasm once with DH until after I'd had children (7 years into the relationship). No idea why. DH was inexperienced when we met. Very keen and willing but for me, not great. Then one day things just clicked and I orgasmed. (Although I can only orgasm from penetration). The more we have sex, the better it is, so the more I want it. Over time, it's made me much less inhibited and so I now tell him what I want. Harder, faster, more fingers. Whatever. Before, I wouldn't do that. I'd lie there and let him do whatever his go-to moves were, and they'd have the same disappointing result, because I never said anything to help him. You need communication, and for good communication to occur, you need to lose your inhibitions. If you have sex so infrequently, I personally don't ever believe it will be good. You'll both feel inhibited because it is such a rarity. You won't want to offend each other by saying what you want as it will feel as though you've only got one shot at it that year, and your body will be out of the habit of orgasming. I would have a conversation with him, and depending on whether he's willing to work with you, I'd then pencil in regular sex for a time, even if it takes a while for any improvement to occur. You could also use sex toys at other times, just to keep your libido and arousal heightened, so that your body is more turned on when it does come to having sex with your DH.

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mamato3lads · 20/02/2020 00:11

That's years of unwinding bad habits. He has to he committed to trying or you're wasting your time. He sounds lazy and selfish....and because you've accepted it for so long hes unlikely to change. Go full throttle, tell him your libido has gone through the roof as the reason for your sudden demands so he doesnt feel like your whole sex life has been a lie! Tell him you want to explore, get those sex toys out and show him what they do. Most men love that. Initiate. Communicate. Dont be shy. If still no success you may be flogging a dead horse and then it's up to you to decide if it's worth leaving a marriage over. For some it is. Good.luck x

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StarlightLady · 20/02/2020 07:36

Time is a great healer but it also causes great problems. OP, l feel for you and like the above poster, l think it’s going to be difficult (but not impossible) to change things. We have needs and those who think they don’t are imprisoned by their own asbestos knickers and inhibitions.

Like another poster in this thread, In the past I have been criticised for saying that I have had the “oral conversation” with someone before they became a bed-mate. I don’t think it’s wrong, if you want to share your body with someone to have some house rules. I am not interested in someone who will not go down on me.

On the positive side you seem to be with someone who is not frightened of touch and, at least, knows where the clitoris is.

If he says he is not in the mood let him know you are!

Take his hands, guide him and show him what you need. Maybe ask him to hold you while you do things yourself. In short, communicate!

Finally, we should not be squirreling away our toys. We should own and use them wigh pride. I have a waterproof vibey that more or less lives on the bathside. Be proud of your sexuality. Good luck and take care. x

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Namechangedyorkshire · 20/02/2020 08:31

Gosh...30 years and yes a lot of unwinding. I don't think you can change anything in bed until you start communicating and find out if he is willing to change and also learn.

I would suggest sit, maybe cuddle but be c,ear you want to talk and be honest and say you need things to change but works both ways as well. Also be accepting that he isn't going to change suddenly overnight either and it takes time building confidence and trying different things (of which there are a lot!)

I'm not your age but still recall being younger and inexperienced. I suppose I was lucky that my boyfriends were pretty experienced but also generous. My first in particular so not only did I learn, but also enjoyed it.

If he is uneducated/inhibited then he probably won't be honest straight away about what he likes for fear but if he is willing, why not gradually do different things even if that means you take the initiative. For example, you may be anyway but why not try getting waxed or shaved below. Men are such visual creatures and might help encouraging him to try oral once you are playing, especially as I don't think they like having pubes in their mouth lol. Shows you want to be different?

Small steps but you deserve to have a fulfilling sex life

Hope you get somewhere

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Cherryade8 · 20/02/2020 23:10

Would he be interested in trying new things with you? Different positions, role play etc? Maybe find a fun list of sexual activities on the internet, then suggest you work through them?

In my experience some men are quite lazy or just dont like giving oral, orgasms etc. Whilst others are really focused on it. If you cant get him interested then maybe you could suggest agreeing that you can sleep with other men, or you leave him for a new relationship or you have to accept crap sex I suppose.

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outherealone · 21/02/2020 00:46

I left a marriage partly because of my husband’s inability or disinterest in working on our sex life.

@noego when you say ‘go tantric’, what do you actually mean?
I’m fascinated by tantric sex but the only way I can see to learn it is to go to some kind of workshop. I have neither the money or the time for sex workshops, is there any reliable online resource?

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noego · 21/02/2020 08:55

@outherealone

True Tantra is nothing like how it is portrayed in porn or by so called tantra massage therapists.
It is more to do with a spiritual connection through meditation and techniques and teaches both sexes how to be connected with their bodies and senses. Something that no one is ever taught.
It involves Somatics, Orgasm meditations as well as tuning into the senses and energies within, releasing body and mind memories that restrict us from having the ultimate orgasms.
These body memories are triggered by trauma, it could be a trauma as simple as having a fall, or giving birth a unsatisfying sexual experience.
These trauma's need to be released to enable the ultimate sexual experience and therefore the ultimate orgasm.
So not just a massage with a happy ending. It is more of an emotional connection with oneself and then the emotional connection with a lover.
What generally happens is that people get dissatisfied with their se lives and google tantric sex and then get a load of BS that then try to emulate in the bedroom It will fail, because it will get boring. Tantra is a lifestyle that includes erotic lovemaking.
The first step is that each one of us needs to know our own bodies intimately and there are not many that can say that.
If you're truly interested in taking the journey let me know.

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outherealone · 21/02/2020 14:25

@noego I really am interested. I had a lot of trauma from childhood and beyond. I have therapy for trauma but currently it’s not going away. Lots of it is related to sex. And religion . I love sex but sometimes my difficult background makes it really difficult to be ‘in the moment’. I’m definitely interested in learning more.

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