Partner and porn

[Mummyshark1994]

Prepared to be gaslighted. Quick background been together 5 + years and kids together in 20s.
I have got phone contracts out in my name for both me and my partners phones and have access to call logs and internet Access ect. Big trust issues after his cheating and suffered badly with mental health but we're suppose to be working through things. I'm currently struggling tho as I have found out that's he's been watching porn and this is clearly eather while I'm in a different room or while he's at work 🤮 now I'm not gonna lie I'm not a fan of it but I know "all blokes do it" the thing is he'd lie about it. on top of it his porn use has affected our sex life over the years he has a very wrong idea of sex from it. Thinking it's okay to do things that I don't like and Im by know way a prude. Im at the point were id rather not have sex with him. what iv told him satisfys me doesn't register with him and he thinks the women in the films that are being stretched and multiple things shoved in there vaginas is exactly how he should satisfy me and all this women squirting business, it's eather about what he wants sexualy or about what he thinks i should enjoy in the bedroom and it's making me feel violated and like crap. Iv put my views out there about how I feel about porn and how I feel certain content affects sex.iv also spoke about how his attitude towards sex with me isn't what I like or what I'm in to but seems to go through one ear and out other. don't really have anyone to talk to and I don't really know if I should confront him over this recent porn use or just leave it.its made me feel extremely uncomfortable than I already was and all my self confidence has gone and my libido is just now non existent. My head almost associates porn as dirty and I don't think it's right he can't control himself when he's suppose to be watching the kids ect and needs to sneak off to do that. I really don't want critising ,I'm just after some advice ,wether that be a polite you need to pull yourself together or that it's normal to and this is how all relationships are .

Doesn’t matter whether porn use is “normal” or that “all guys do it” OP, he is disrespecting you and doing things without regard to your feelings (that’s at best, taking the negative view he’s doing things you don’t consent to, which is rape). I’m so sorry you’re going through this- talk to him, but if he keeps at it then I’d be out of there, however hard it might be. Take care.

Thank you for your reply , definitely think il try talking to him again.

It's not the porn that's the problem it's the way hes treating you that's shit. I hate porn , made me feel insecure when I found it on my DH phone last year but we spoke about it (and argued a lot....for nearly a year) but now he works so hard at making me feel.good, wanted etc and sex is back on track. He made the effort. Realised his errors. He tries. So, a quick wank to porn I can turn a blind eye to. If he was watching porn and NOT taking care of me, emotionally and physically THEN there would be a problem. A big one.

Chat to him....its the only way forward

Thing is he will point blank lie about it ,but iv always been able to tell,there's a shift in his behaviour when he's watching it. I suppose I'm just at breaking point with him

Hi op porn is a no go in my relationship . Still traumatised from issues with it with my ex partner. Told my new partner of 9 years at the start how I feel about porn . Told him I won't put up with it . He said he woundnt watch it . Suprise suprise he did . Know he knows 100 percent next time I find out it will be game over . I hate it with a passion . You might as well cheat if you ask me it's it's the same thing . I know loads will disagree but this is my views and no one else's . If he wants to watch it . By all means but he knows it will cost him our relationship. I don't know why women put up with it or think they should . 😂! It's disgusting. No one so many men have no respect for women . Just a piece of meat to them

If you know that he is watching porn, then why put him in a position in which he lies about it? He is embarrassed about admitting it, so don't question him. Forcing him into a corner and making him answer questions about his habit is a bit like rubbing a puppy's nose in its crap - it makes you feel morally better, but it does no good at all.

Accept that he does use it and set out to make a plan to diminish (if not eliminate) its usage. mamato3lads says some wise things.

Oh so I don't confront him and let his behaviour continue?this isnt about the porn so much as to more the type and it's violent and or overly aggressive way that's being pushed on to me.nobody has any right to tell someone what they can and can't do ,so out of curiosity are you suggesting I take it like a "good girl "? There's watching porn and then there's watching women being abused and thinking that's okay in real life .thank you to the other above posters x

fedup212 I was once completely against it but got to a point were as long as it wasn't pushed in my face and all over my search history Id burry my head in the sand lol unfortunately porn seems to be a big thing these days and is everywhere

I wasn't suggesting for one moment that you 'take it like a good girl'. I just think that setting yourself up in a situation in which you ask him a question to which you already know the answer and is likely to result only in him lying to you does not seem to be productive.

Its borderline sexual abuse.

The worry is that he doesn't know the difference between what's in porn and reality, most men who use it are at least clear on this difference. That is what is so yuk about him, don't know how you can go near him tbh, your bar must be very low or you'd have LTB'd ages ago.
Also, do you really want to spend your life policing him? Who can be arsed with that? Detach, ignore what he does, you know enough already to warrant leaving or booting him out.

I enjoy porn (and my ex didn't mind a bit either when in the mood) but never replicate what we saw.

Not all blokes do it. If you're not ok with it, it's fine not to be ok with it. We've become conditioned to accept it as something we have to put up with in a partner but we don't have to.
Lay down your boundaries and if he crosses them again, leave.

If you're partner is a selfish prick who watches porn and then cant be bothered to satisfy you sexually, even after you've discussed it with him, fuck him off.

If your partner watches porn as a masturbation aid but ensures you feel loved , desired , wanted and gives you a regular good seeing to, then chill out and leave him alone!

OP, your partner falls into the first category

Can I ask how you can see what he has been accessing on the internet through the phone records. I thought it only showed data usage amounts, no details?

Imagine if he was upset about you reading fifty shades of grey or similar and look at it from that context

As I said above it's more about the way he's behaving because of it.
Iv seen the film fifty shades of grey buy never in my right mind would I start thinking it's acceptable to shove butt plugs up my partner and nipple clamps if theyd said no ,just as a example. There seems to be a lot of women on Mumsnet that have this attitude of men can do what they like and you can give it to him. after a few days of thinking,I sure as hell know if one of my daughter's came home when they were older and told me what id put on here I'd be encouraging her to leave. And as some one said above it's borderline assault. If man dragged a women off the street and had sex with her even after she said no we would all be calling it rape. but I guess becomes im in a relationship seem of you see it as it being acceptable and there the ones that have jumped the gun and accused me of policing or making him embarrassed about it.im embarrassed about being forced to do things iv said no to.think I shall come off of this now. don't need to be made to feel like it's okay to be abused when my mental health is already suffering and then have women tell me his behaviours okay

Stick to your guns and leave him, it's not good for you and he's never going to change. His behaviour is unacceptable and should not be tolerated at all. Get out whilst you can.

OP, there’s nothing borderline about this. This is sexual abuse. This is rape, if he’s having sex that you are not consenting to as well.

I have been in your situation. Punched, spat on, choked, badly hurt. It only got worse. If he’d done that to me outside of the bedroom then I’d have called the police. But he groomed me over time to believe that I was in the wrong, closed minded etc. I actually believed that. I actually used to be one of those posters who say porn is no big deal, doesn’t do me any harm. Took me a long time to wake up and see it. Please get out of there.