Has anyone who has been sexually abused been able to have a good sex life?

[angell84]

I had an unlucky early life with alot of sexual abuse. I am in my thirties now. The first thing that I feel when I am sexual with a man is fear. I am afraid during sex. I have never orgasmed with a man ( I can by myself) . I have told past partners about the abuse and they were not supportive, they found it too heavy.

I just cry to think that I may never experience a positive and pleasurable sexual experience at all in this life. My body is so scared and goes into fear mode with men. I am sad that past experiences are ruining my life now. Was anyone able to relax and enjoy and have good sex, after abuse?

Have you had any counselling about your abuse?

@Mumof1andacat yes, several. It was not beneficial for me.

I was just wondering if anyone else has recovered, and what are their advice ?

{flowers}
I believe that the body carries memories. So even though the mind can be quietened/silenced the body has triggers from past trauma.

Do you think this could be a reason?

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I have a similar experience and the following things have worked for me:

• Therapy. Try different types of therapy, preferably with a clinical psychiatrist rather than the lesser trainer 'counsellors'. Dont be afraid to swap therapists if you don't connect to one. If talking therapy doesn't work then try another type: CBD, tremble therapy etc. There are thousands of types.

• Exercise. This is a big one. Previously, due to the abuse, I felt disconnected from my body, like it was just a vessel to carry my brain around, but actually exercising and getting in touch with my body made me a more whole person and I think processed some of the trauma that was stuck inside me.

• Journaling. Just write one page per day of what's going on in your life. Small but powerful.

• Read self help books. 'The body keeps the score' is a famous one about recovering from trauma, as is 'Waking the Tiger'. It's common for traumatised women to be terrified in bed, it's your body's fight, flight or freeze kicking in to protect you. For years I could only ever bring myself to have sex with a man when I was drunk; now i know that was because the alcohol numbed my terror (I don't drink at all now because I never want to numb my emotions). These books give you practices to calm your reactions and be able to deal with them in a healthy way. Another book that helped me understand the connections between lack of orgasms and trauma is Vagina by Naomi Wolf, but that's just interesting facts, not a practical plan of releasing trauma.

• Self pleasure. Follow Kim Anami on instagram, watch her videos and listen to her podcasts. She is a holistic sex therapist and talks a lot about working through mental and emotional blocks to achieve a satisfying sex life. She has a (very expensive!) course that you could join, but the free articles and podcasts are good enough. She also lifts weights with her vagina but you don't need to do that!

I didn't have an orgasm with a man until I was 30, and even after that it happened rarely (2x a year) and wasn't so great because I hadn't worked through my trauma and was carrying a lot of shame and baggage, both consciously and subconsciously. I'd never told anybody about my abuse because I felt like it was something shameful and disgusting; these feelings obviously affected my ability to be vulnerable, open and loving. I've been single now for 5 years and spent that time getting to know myself, reading books, having therapy, and generally working on loving and accepting myself. The next relationship I enter I know will be 1000x better, both sexually and emotionally, because I've done so much work on myself and I can now finally relax without fear. It's not been quick or easy, but it's worth it. Even my solo orgasms now are so much better than they were before.

The worst thing you can do is force yourself to go through with sex when your body isn't comfortable with it. Please honour yourself and love yourself enough to take some time to heal. You sound really upset and my heart goes out to you. You definitely can get over this and have a loving and satisfying sex life in the future.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk more.

Also @angell84 you might want to get this thread moved to 'Relationships' , there's a lot more traffic there and seems more suited to your needs.

This might be really wide of the mark and I'd certainly recommend therapy if that's an option, but I had amazing success with a crippling phobia due to traumatic events in childhood from hypnosis. (I was really sceptical but I would now recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone.)

So sorry to hear your position. I know my friend was abused (by a man) and she now has a good sex life with her partner who is a woman.

Also such good advice above from @BemidjiMinnesota 👍❤️

Hi OP

Talking from having experience in surviving child abuse and maintaining a healthy sex life now (just turned 30) with my wife..

Most important thing I found was taking away the guilt associated with the act of sex, this is was a big hurdle in being in the moment and not comparing it to what happened in the past..

I'm sorry you had to go through what happened in your younger years, I hope you know none if was your fault or in any way done by you..

here if you want to talk more on it :)