Lack of sex ...

[Yorkymidge]

Hi, this may be a rant so bare with.
Me and my partner are only 23 and 24. We have been together 5 years. He is overweight and used to smoke, but switched to vaping just over a year ago.

We used to have a really active sex life (as all new relationships do) about 3 years ago, he went through a couple of months of not being able to get an erection, or not being able to keep it up. This went away for a while and we conceived our first child. Once we found out i was pregnant, it happened again and i just put it down to him not wanting to have sex with me since i was pregnant (i suppose it could put some men off?) I had my baby at the beginning of 2019 and since then, i can count on my hands how many times we’ve had sex, it simply wont go up at all.

I’ve sat and asked him what’s wrong, if i’m doing something wrong, if it’s because i’ve put on weight since i had my baby etc and all he’s said is that no, it’s obviously just his health. I’ve asked him to go and see a GP but he wont, i’ve begged and cried and he says he’s embarrassed and that it shouldn’t all be about sex.

Well yes, it shouldn’t. But in my opinion, sex is a big part of a relationship, i feel like all the closeness has gone out the window and we’re just stuck in a daily routine - it’s been 4 months since i got 2 minutes for godsake! I feel stuck, unloved and not sure what to do. I know that it’s embarrassing for him and likely erectile dysfunction but if he wont make the effort to change it then what can i do?

When i fell pregnant, we agreed that we’d start trying for another baby soon after because i was told that i couldn’t have children so our first really was a miracle. I wanted to be able to give him a sibling before my ovaries 100% stopped working and i feel like this will never happen now (it took 3 years of trying to get pregnant)

You will most likely tell me that we’re both too young blah blah but i’m just so stuck, feeling unloved and unsure of what to do.

Thank you in advance.

Help please

Op,
Firstly , and have a virtual (consensual!) hug.

Secondly, I'm certain it isn't you!

A guy in his early 20's should pretty much be able to be at it like a rabbit have sex several times a night, every night. The fact that he has had problems getting and keeping an erection are not normal in someone of his age.

He is right, a relationship shouldn't be all about sex, but you are also correct when you say it is a very important part of a relationship.

I doubt that the smoking / vaping thing is the problem. Overweight, however, could be an issue. Combined, well, it's not good...

He absolutely needs to go to a GP. Yes, it can be embarrassing, particularly for a guy of his age, but he really does need to bite the bullet. Lack of an erection could possibly be a symptom of something much worse.

Could you speak to the GP? Maybe explain the situation, and ask for a home visit?

He shouldn't need it, but Viagra is available over the counter at the chemist. Maybe have a chat with yours, and see if you can buy it? Obviously, you then have to get him to take it, it doesn't work immediately, and requires him to be sexually aroused.

Probably TMI, but does he pleasure you in other ways? Using his hands and mouth for instance? If not, the problem is much more than possible ED (sorry! )

Would you be prepared / able to leave him if he doesn't change? You may, at some point, have to give him that sort of ultimatum.

Sorry I can't offer you a "magic bullet" solution, but there just isn't one.

@AverageGuy thank you so much for your reply. I believe it to be something worse, like you suggested. He wont go for an appointment because he says they’ll just blame it on his smoking and weight, which is most likely true but they could at least offer something. He’s refusing viagra because he’s apparently heard horror stories and no he doesn’t pleasure me in other ways, he says that he feels aroused but just can’t follow on and that he’s so embarrassed that he’d rather not start something that he can’t finish. He’s also struggled with bouts of depression and this may contribute.

As leaving him goes, i’ve threatened it before but he knows i’ll just come running back to him, i love him too much and he is really good to me, far more than i think i could find in another relationship, but it really is taking it’s toll.

He can ask to see a male GP. First time I had to drop my pants I was nervous as hell, now I'm not bothered the slightest if I had to. He needs to man up and get checked out.

Sorry to say this, but anybody who is really good to you would go to his GP and talk about his ED instead of condemning you to an existence without physical gratification.

Would he go to the Dr. if you offered moral support by going with him?

OP.
I wonder what horror stories about viagra he has heard?

Sex isn't all about PIV, or one person's pleasure

• it's about both of you. Personally, if I was unable to get and keep an erection, I'd definitely be prepared to pleasure my partner in any way I could. Oral, masturbation, toys - whatever she wanted. It wouldn't matter to me if I didn't get anything reciprocated - its about keeping the relationship alive, by doing what you can.

Maybe if he was to start, he might find an erection happens naturally. The fact that he isn't prepared to even try, suggests that he may have lost interest.

I wonder if actually having a child has been something of a shock to him, and he simply doesn't want another one?

Depression is definitely a libido killer, as are some AD meds. @xpc316e has made a great suggestion about you going to the doctor with him.

You have been together since your late teens - right? I may be reading between the lines here, but it sounds like you haven't had many relationships, and you (possibly rightfully with a young child), are scared that if you did leave him, no-one would want you?

Trust me, there are thousands of men out there, many of whom will have no problem with you having a child.

Are you able to speak frankly with anyone irl? It sounds like you could maybe do with finding a councillor.

Averageguy is right, you won't have any trouble find another partner just because you're a single parent at all. Been single myself (ive only browsed dating sites upto now and most profiles I've liked are mothers. I've got 3 young girls of my own too. You make him realise he's going to lose you if he doesn't change his ways and seek medical advice, if he doesn't make any effort then that tells you he's lost interest in your relationship.

This might sound crazy but...

Has he spoken to the GP?

Loss of sex drive plus weight gain are symptoms of an underactive thyroid.

Smoking actually inhibits thyroid antibodies and suppresses thyroid stimulating hormone. When you quit smoking, it’s very common to develop hypothyroidism. In fact one study I read said that all the people in the study who gain weight after quitting smoking in actuality had a thyroid problem.

Worth considering if things have worsened since he quit smoking.