Would a man with ed bother with porn?

[Judy2019]

My husband has ed and has done for a few years now. Weve tried viagra but its now stopped working, but he has continued to watch porn which I've turned a blind eye to, but am starting to think hes watching it a lot more than I first thought.
I know that porn can contribute to ed in some cases (his ed is due to diabetes) but what I'd really like to know is if men who cant get aroused by real life sex can still get aroused by porn.
He says not but I'm not sure I believe him
We tried a different kind of viagra the other night, it didn't work at all. The next day I noticed on his internet history that he had looked at porn.
This has done my self esteem no good whatsoever.
I'm 9 years younger than him and look after my appearance. In my head it's me that he cant get hard for and he just waits for me to go out the house so he can sort himself out.
He has said in the past that he cant get hard over it but I dont understand why hed continue to watch it if that's the case.
Sorry if I'm waffling on! Does anyone have any experience of this?

Aroused emotionally is different to being aroused physically.

For example, a man can wake up with a morning erection, without being sexually aroused, the two are not always connected.

If his ED is a physical problem, it won't stop him getting emotionally aroused looking at porn.

i suspect that he feels less embarrassed looking at porn which won't judge him or make him feel inadequate.

I'm not saying you are making him feel this way, just that he can relax and feel aroused without the associated performance anxiety linked to ED whilst a partner is present.

I occasionally suffer from ED, and found that Viagra does what it's supposed to , but it does take time to work.

Have you tried Cialis? Your GP can prescribe it, although it's possible you may have to go "private"

Personally, porn does very little for me - it's all the same - just videos of sex acts - nothing erotic, arousing or sexy, at least in my opinion.

Frankly, I simply can't understand a guy that is lucky enough to have a living, breathing, flesh and blood woman in his life, that wants to have sex with him, but instead would rather look at videos of other people..

Have you spoken to him about his porn use? If it's not arousing to him, has he explained why he watches so much? (I suppose it could be "just" a habit, but...)

Do you know if he can masturbate? (according to a friend it is possible to masturbate without a full erection) If so, then I guess it's possible he is using porn to pleasure himself, as you say.

@PrawnSacrifice may have hit on something. ED can easily be psychological, rather than physical, although the diabetes won't help. (Is he on meds for his diabetes? Could they be contributing to his condition?)

Is he intimate in other ways? Is he prepared to use his hands and mouth for instance? If not, then you may have a bigger problem (sorry! )

Whatever the cause, I'm sure it won't be you.

@AverageGuy thank you for your reply
We have tried cialis a couple of years ago but it gave him a blinding headache. He is on medication for his diabetes and also antidepressants which can cause ed. In addition he has a condition which I think is called peronies disease?(curvature of the penis) . He had an appointment scheduled in October for this which was cancelled and he never followed it up with the doctor.
He said he would try a pump, his idea . I brought him one and it's never been out of the box!
Sometimes when he has given up drinking and smoking for a while things improve, but he never stops for long.
He is a very loving and affectionate man otherwise.

I suppose I think he uses porn as the easy option but where does this leave me?
I've asked him in the past if he gets an erection with it but he says no. But does he just say this to make me feel better?
If hes not having a wank what's he getting out of it? He also knows its hurtful to me.
I'm going to have conversation with him over the weekend but just thought I'd get a bit of info on it first.

Also he tends to look at a specific type of porn, not just your general run of the mill stuff

@Judy2019
Peyronie’s disease? Nasty. This can make getting an erection very painful, and can cause ED, as do AD meds. It does sound like the deck is stacked against him.

He needs to revisit his doctor. There are treatments out there, mainly more meds, but from what I read, surgery can result in a shortening of the penis - not something most men would agree too!

I'm not sure if a pump would help in his case. It might be painful for him to use, depending on the curvature.

You don't say how much he drinks, but too much alcohol is another sure fire way of diluting an erection.

"He is a very loving and affectionate man otherwise" is that code for no, he doesn't use his hands or mouth? Does he do anything for you?

"I suppose I think he uses porn as the easy option but where does this leave me? " feeling unappreciated, unsexy, unloved, frustrated, hurt and angry - did I miss anything?

Obviously I have no idea if he's getting hard / having a wank watching porn, but he's doing it for something.

"Also he tends to look at a specific type of porn, not just your general run of the mill stuff" - Ahhh! possibly we're getting somewhere!

Is the type of porn he watches something that you, as a couple would never discuss, never mind do? If so, then I'd say he is definitely getting off on it.

Yes he does have the odds stacked against him, which is why I sometimes think I'm being a bit selfish. Apparently a pump would help, the doctor recommended it. He says theres not much point going back to the doctor until hes tried the pump. Hes had it 3 weeks! I've suggested he uses it on his own to start with as I know its probably a bit embarrassing for him

He does use his hands and hes very good at it! But doesn't like oral.
He doesn't actually drink a lot, maybe 2 cans a night , but most nights.
And finally, the porn hes into is chinese/Japanese

@Judy2019 Firstly, you are absolutely not being selfish. You deserve to have a sex life.

Did you know that he had all these issues when you married him, or have they developed over time?

Ok. I hadn't realised that the pump was suggested by the doctor. When you talk to him, ask why he hasn't used it. Maybe suggest you use it together?

Good! I'm glad he is intimate with you. Thats something, at least. Doesn't like oral? Thats a deal breaker for some women!

That's a fair amount of alcohol over a week.

Ah, well you cant do THAT as a couple, unless you can change your ethnicity... Sorry, but I believe that he IS getting off on it.

Definitely talk to him, but decide what YOU want from him, and how far you are going to go to get it.

Would he consider couples / sex councilling?

The issues have developed over time, weve been together for 10 years. When he was diagnosed with diabetes and the ed started i told him smoking and drinking would speed up the progression of it but he didn't stop. Im still quite pissed off with that tbh.
Oh I know hes getting off on it, but I dont know if hes physically getting a reaction.
I suppose most of the time I'm quite accepting of the situation because I have to be, I would drive myself mad otherwise! but this week seems to have really got to me. I cant stand the thought of years and years of this.
Thank you for your thoughts, it's been really helpful 🙂

A man doesnt need an erection to orgasm.
So he can watch porn and orgasm with out the humiliation of being flacid in front of you

Dosent make it ok it ok of course but believe him when he says he is not hard

Op,
otterhound is spot on. I suspect he is orgasming to the porn, despite what he says.

Did you speak to him at the weekend?

We spoke last weekend. He says he watches porn to try to get an erection, but it doesn't happen. Hes said that he'll stop watching it as it upsets me so much. He seems to think that's the problem solved!
I'm just not sure I believe he'll stop. Hes not left his phone lying around since so I dont know.
He said he would chase up his urology appointment- he hasn't.
I just dont know where to go from here

Op
Hmmm. I'm sorry, but if he's using porn as much as you say, I'm not sure I'd believe him - sorry.

Do you believe he is effectively cheating on you by watching porn?

Think about giving him some sort of ultimatum? He goes to the doctor / starts using the pump / whatever, or you (insert something you are prepared to do!)

You don't say how old you both are, but maybe it's time to start thinking about getting out of the relationship?

I managed to get a quick look at his phone yesterday and couldn't see anything on there but I hate to snoop on him.
I know this has to be ultimatum time even though I cant imagine leaving him over this, I know that the longer it goes on the more of a problem it will be between us.
I'm 44 hes 53.
I dont see it as cheating as such. I know men enjoy looking at porn, but they usually also have a sexual relationship with their partner. I just see it as hes replaced me with porn more than anything.

I would also feel better if he was being more pro active, but hes just not.
I think I'm going to speak to him again tonight. Give him the week to try the pump and make an appointment with the doctor. See what he does (or doesn't!)

Op,
I've no idea how he access porn, but it might be through an internet browser, rather than an app, so you may not have seen anything.

I know this has to be ultimatum time even though I cant imagine leaving him over this, I know that the longer it goes on the more of a problem it will be between us.

I think you have hit the nail on the head here. You don't say how long it's been since you've DTD, but I suspect it's been a while. Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life in a (effectively) sexless relationship, whilst your DH gets his jollies from watching porn?

For instance, in my relationship, it was my XW that lost her sex drive. If we had sex four or five times a year, I was lucky, and when we did, there was no snogging or foreplay - she just did enough to get me ready, and then we had PIV sex. We really didn't have much in the way of intimacy - I felt she used me like a human dildo.

We talked about it, but she didn't want anything more. I did, and couldn't "go elsewhere" for sex (I'm guessing you wouldn't consider that either!), so we divorced.

You are a lot younger than I was when we divorced (I was nearer your OH age), you have a lot of life left to live, and there are a LOT of men out there..

I know men enjoy looking at porn Not all men, and not to the extent you say your DH is. I think he has a problem.

I just see it as he's replaced me with porn and maybe it's time you replaced him with someone that is willing to be actively involved in a mutually satisfying sex life.

Good for you on giving him more time. What are you going to do if he doesn't follow through?

I believe I read somewhere that porn induced ED does not respond to Viagra. Send him this video : it really was a wake up call for me

Back for an update. I told him last night I cant do this anymore.i want us to separate.
Hes admitted hes continued to look at porn since our last talk about it. I kind of knew this but wanted to trust him.
Hes said that he doesn't enjoy sex, he finds it boring (not just me, but in general) which is kind of ironic considering how much time he spends watching it!
He finds porn exciting and wont stop.
I cant go through the rest of my life like that. It's sad that he just doesn't care.

Op
That was very brave of you. I know it must have hurt, but I honestly think it might be for the best.

If he doesn't enjoy sex, I think separating is a no-brainer, if you can't have a relationship without it. It'll be difficult, particularly with a child, so virtual hugs and hand holding for you.

However, dating today is a minefield - beware, there be monsters out there!

As a single "normal" red-blooded guy, I simply can't understand someone that would rather watch porn, instead of having sex with a real woman. It seems nuts to me.

AverageGuy you have given some fantastic balanced answers here. I think your friends are quite lucky to have you to bounce problems off.

OP I think you should ditch your husband. It's all about him in his eyes and he's giving you nothing back, worse still he just doesn't seem to give a shit about your needs. At 44 you are way too young to settle in for a sexless life. Get rid of him xx

what I'd really like to know is if men who cant get aroused by real life sex can still get aroused by porn.

Unfortunately, as your last post shows, it’s actually worse than this. Watching a lot of porn actually causes less arousal from real life sexual interaction, which can contribute to ED. It sounds like he is at that stage where only porn works for him. He’s an addict.

He is also fetishising women of a certain ethnicity, which is problematic in itself, and I assume you are not of that ethnicity yourself.

I think this is not salvageable. I would move on and find someone else. I’ve been the partner who can’t have sex for medical reasons and would never advocate for leaving just due to this, but I also did everything I could to try and resolve the problem and there was never a time where I chose to masturbate over having sex with DH - when I have a sex drive I want to have sex with him.

Porn is incredibly toxic when it gets to this stage. You’d be doing yourself a big favour to walk away now.

@bumhead - Thank you. I'm very flattered.