No libido after giving birth

[Mummysarah12]

So I gave birth 10 months ago & my partner & I haven’t had sex since before the birth. I had quite a traumatic birth & had an episiotomy. With that & the exhaustion I feel all the time I just never feel like sex. The last few weeks my partner has started to get frustrated at me & told me he can’t be in a sexless relationship.
I feel bad & l really do want to have sex but I never feel in the mood. is this normal? Has anyone else gone this long without having sex post child birth? Any advice on getting in the mood??

I haven't but a friend did. Unfortunately it didn't end well as probably after a year her DH started to get really frustrated, talked to her about it and suggestions for small steps. She didn't respond to it and then it started becoming a bigger issue as she felt resentful and the original reason died away but not having sex was a big one. He tried for 2 1/2 years and then decided he wasn't prepared to be in a sexless relationship. Made plans and left. No other women and remained a good dad to their little one. She bitterly regrets what happened and wished she had made more effort

So, my advice is make sure this doesn't get bigger than what it is. Try lots of cuddles and massaging etc. Even feeling tired, I suspect once you get started you will feel closer from just touching. Be clear with him you do love him and want to get back to how you were. Keep talking

My opinion of my friend was that she wasn't too tired to be entertaining, plenty of going out and spending money. She is now a single parent and looks on at her ex in some anger as he has done very well, remarried and is very having had more children etc...she admits it was of her own making

I think that low libido when you have a baby is so common as to be normal. The demands of birth and then looking after an infant are very consuming. Our sex life went from twice a week to half a dozen times in a year for a good while (and perhaps has never fully recovered!). I was very frustrated at times and I think guys do need to find some resilience to accept a refocus from baby making to baby nurturing. The really tough years do go quicker than you would imagine. This said some strategies to bridge a gap and to resume a loving sex life are important. The book 'How to Babyproof your Marriage' has a good chapter on this topic. It doesn't have a great answer, because there isn't one, but expresses what both sides might be feeling quite well and I found it helped me.

She bitterly regrets what happened and wished she had made more effort

She really shouldn’t. She’s had a lucky escape from a guy who was clearly only with her contingent on having sex! Not the most romantic idea ever. I hope she finds someone more wholesome.

@busybarbara

I think you will find enough women here living in sexless relationships and living with the impact of it, feeling more like living with a friend.

Without giving too much information as don't want to out it, he wasn't with her just for sex, but over time he decided that he wasn't going to be basically a financial provider for her to live the life she was happy with (socialising and spending) without feeling like,it was a joint and intimate relationship.

I've seen oodles of advice on here for women left like this with the LTB advice...and that's what he did and was very decent how he did it. Didn't go off and have an affair, a great dad to kids and pays over and above.

She is bitter ...as she confided to me that it isn't the life she had and part of that is financial and social status sadly.

OP, after my first, sex was the absolute last thing on my mind for quite a long time, so no sex of any kind for like 9 months if I remember correctly. I still made time to look after myself so it wasn’t a confidence issue but I had no energy left for this particular activity and was scared of trying anyway. I didn’t neglect DH and still found him very attractive and he witnessed the rather traumatic birth experience so was understanding about it. Gradually I got back into it simply by having more rest.
Looking back, I think the actual loss of interest on my part was partly due to the fact that I went on the mini pill. When I used the same contraceptive years later, interest in sex simply vanished overnight but on this occasion I realised what was happening so I stopped using it.
Could this be the case for you? Do you fancy your partner? Then tell him how tired you feel and how anxious you are about having sex after the birth you’ve experienced and perhaps if you are worried about getting pregnant again. Let him know you find him attractive but sex is not on your radar at present. He might change his attitude and you might, gradually, get back into it. Sometimes is better to just do it then you re-learn that it is enjoyable.