I miss good sex

[Imisskinksex]

Name changed for this for obvious reasons.

I’m midforties and have a happy and loving DH but our sex life is getting me down massively and I don’t know what to do.

When DH and I got together I was very aware that I was only his second long-term girlfriend and he’d only slept with three people in his entire life. He was a late bloomer and not very confident, so wasn’t a great success with the ladies despite being very good looking. I took this on assuming that he’d welcome my direction and experience (I’ve been around the block more than a couple of times and he knew this) and I thought we could experiment and find out what he really likes together and that over time our sex life would improve.

12 years in and he’s never really gotten the hang of being good in bed. I’ve tried everything! I’ve tried talking about sex when we’re not in the bedroom so he knows what I’d like, when we having sex I’ve tried telling him gently and making hints and suggestions, when he does something right I make a lot of noise and show that I’m really enjoying myself, I’ve suggested we watch porn videos together but he’s just not interested. He is very unconfident and sex always feels a bit awkward and formulaic. I don’t want to make him feel even less confident so I’m being subtler than it sounds and I’m trying not to pressure him, but I am absolutely gagging for the sex I used to have before we got together.

I miss passionate, rough sex! I miss anal! I miss fucking all night and aching the next day. It’s like I’ve fallen in to nice and polite sex, but I’m just not fulfilled.

We do it about once every other week and he usually initiates. (I’m not that fussed as I know what will happen) and then we have nice, polite sex and go to sleep. It’s like being served a sandwich but really you want a nice dirty kebab!!

Is this the rest of my life? He’s great as a DH and as a father and we are genuinely happy other than this.

What can I do?

@otterhound I’m not going to give up just yet. I don’t want to pressure him in to anything at all, but I also think he should be looking at areas he is happy to experiment with. Sex is a 2 person game and both should join in.

I just picked up on one aspect that you mentioned thats all.

I hope it all works out.

' He asked me what I’d like (progress, he didn’t try to leave the conversation) and I made a few candid suggestions. Fingers crossed!'

Ooh sounds promising, good luck! x

Username change test

Ok, so before I updated I wanted to be sure my username change had worked and it does seem to have.

Things have got a lot, lot better. I think I know exactly why as well, we watched Fleabag together!

Yes, I get that sounds odd, but I think seeing a nice middle class women being so open about sex and orgasms made him feel it was somehow ok to be a bit more adventurous, like it was more normal.

I’d now rate our sex life as about an 8!

He’s definitely up for more sex and the sex is less vanilla. We’ve used toys, discussed exactly what we enjoy and he’s just being more enthusiastic and relaxed in bed. He’s even said he’s been thinking about anal and wants to try it next time the kids go away.

So I just wanted to share that sex can get better despite a long time in a relationship. Maybe lockdown and Fleabag have saved my sex life?

@Imisskinksex

Things have got a lot, lot better. I think I know exactly why as well, we watched Fleabag together!

Yes, I get that sounds odd, but I think seeing a nice middle class women being so open about sex and orgasms made him feel it was somehow ok to be a bit more adventurous, like it was more normal.

I’d now rate our sex life as about an 8!

He’s definitely up for more sex and the sex is less vanilla. We’ve used toys, discussed exactly what we enjoy and he’s just being more enthusiastic and relaxed in bed. He’s even said he’s been thinking about anal and wants to try it next time the kids go away.

So I just wanted to share that sex can get better despite a long time in a relationship. Maybe lockdown and Fleabag have saved my sex life?

I'm pleased for you.

No amount of rude films or porn etc has made any difference this end, although she quite enjoys looking - it doesn't change anything.

I am now making a mental note to make sure we add Fleabag to our watch list!

X

So I’m back!! Things are much, much better now. I think time and continued discussion really helped.

For example; the kids are away and he’s happily initiated sex 3 times today and I’ve had 3 different orgasms (V, A & O). We now use toys and he’s more confident sexually.

I just wanted to let you all know there is hope for improving sex in a very long term relationship, I’m really glad I didn’t give up!

Brilliant update @Imisskinksex - I can remember your original post (the Fleabag thing made me smile). So good to hear that things can & have improved, and great that you didn't give up, as this could have been easy to do.
Does DH talk about the changes that have happened? How does he see it - is it about him building confidence and trying things that he thought he might not enjoy?
So pleased for you both 👍

@Whatliesbeneath707 thank you. I know he’s pleased too and for him, it’s been about overcoming shame and being confident enough to say what he enjoys, not just passively partaking in the event.
It has even made him more confident in life too, which I was not expecting.

@notlongtoo thanks. Yes, we’ve been enjoying each other’s company more without the kids around and trying to be spontaneous too.

@Imisskinksex I am pleased your sex life is much more fulfilling now, long may it continue. I think having unfulfilling sex can be as bad as an unhappy relationship.

@Imisskinksex isn't that a really nice "side effect" that he has become more confident in life too. Win win all round - brilliant!

I don’t understand how you’ve lasted 12 years. You’re not sexually compatible. Honestly, sounds as if you’re flogging a dead horse.

3/10 to an 8/10 - I'm dare not ask what my current score is 🙂

@Imisskinksex haven’t rtft as am popping out but will. Just wanted to add because I may lose/forget this!

im like you, want the passion, the excitement and it to feel like both are on the same page!
so I was dating someone for a few months. He was amazing at kissing, pleasuring me, everything, would freeze if I tried anything especially when it came to piv then he froze. After a while, as I didn’t want to pressure I asked him if all was ok. He accused me of being shallow and if that’s all I was interested in he’d thought better of me?! I can assure you everything else was good and I was confused about this part.
so time went on and it just got odder. Messages saying he may want sex..he may not..what if he didn’t want to..mixed with very raunchy / dick pics etc..the confusion in me was?! The spark went and I gave up. He then did it one eve (fully initiated by him) and after told me it would have felt nicer not to have been pressured..
to say we haven’t lasted is probably obvious! (Wasn’t why we fell out but when I read your thread I knew this part wouldn’t work for me)
im glad you’ve sorted things out and are happy!

Be thankful
You have a nice partner and your relationship is stable and you are having sex.

Be grateful for what you have and stop looking for something else.

Nobody is perfect and ticks absolutely every box. You could find someone who is what you like in bed but you have no relationship outside the bedroom.

Your doing OK by the sounds of it. You'd miss him if he wasn't there and you wouldn't be having any sex at all then.