Vanilla to submissive?

[vanillaBDSM]

Has any wife/woman here turned here from being vanilla to being submissive after your partner approached you about it? If so, did it take a ling time? Did you at first reject it? Maybe you were even disgusted by some of those practices and thought they were abnormal only to later indulge in them?
I'm thinking of bringing it up with my wife "officially" as a way to spice up our sex which does not happen v often at all. I am hoping that if she starts to discover and love this side of things, she'll be more interested in sex. It's also of course a huge turn on for me to truly open up to her about it and have her embrace it.
We had played with restraints when I was courting her, but not since then, but the one time we tried spanking she asked me to stop - she didn't like the pain - which was hugely disappointing to me that she didn't let it run it's course at least once, but she gave up at first sign of some pain. She is a v sensitive person.
In any case, any advice for how to best approach her from women who have adopted it or learned to love it in spite of never thinking they would?

I don't really fit what you were asking. I don't think I was quite "vanilla" as we tried different things as a married couple. I guess what triggered it was reading 50:shades on holiday....yes crap writing but I read it and laughed etc husband did and one night still on holiday, we had both had a few and ...well we were playing in bed and he sort of I guess playfully smacked my bum...and I well went ooohh and encouraged him...said oh have I been naughty lol. Gradually led on to trying that more and other things. So spiced up our sex life definaly

It’s not quite the same but It d never really considered BDSM before I met my current boyfriend. I knew that I’d never particularly enjoyed sex with my previous partners. I found it fundamentally unsatisfyingly TBH. When my boyfriend revealed - on our 5th date I think - what he was into (he’s a Dom) I was immediately fascinated. We took it slowly and talked a lot about what I thought I might like to try and what I didn’t want to do etc.... We’ve been doing what we do for some time now and I love it. I particularly love the feeling I get in subspace. It’s the best high I’ve ever experienced.

Having said all that, I am pleased that my boyfriend was honest about his preferences at a very early stage; giving me an opportunity to say ‘thanks but no thanks’ before I got emotionally invested. I can imagine a sense of betrayal if he’d left it some significant time before revealing what he was into. I imagine I may have felt tricked into a relationship on false pretences.

So, given that this is your wife and you know she doesn’t like pain - what exactly are you hoping for here? What does BDSM look like in a relationship where you know there can be no masochistic element on her part? Do you just want to tie her up and order her around? Orgasm denial? What? I think you need to be very honest with yourself first about where you’d like this to go.

Initiate an open conversation but be prepared for her to dislike the idea or even be disgusted by it. Which is fine. BDSM is NOT for everyone and there is nothing wrong at all with not wanting to try it. You must never push or pressurise her into doing stuff to please you. That would be abusive. She should not feel under any obligation to ‘learn to love it’. It worries me that you say ‘she gave up at the first sign of pain’ when you tried spanking as if it’s some kind of failing on her part. Well, yeah. If she’s not turned on by pain, she wouldn’t like being spanked, would she? Most people are not turned on by pain. Those of us that are (in certain circumstances) are the unusual ones.

Honestly, I think your thinking is very skewed.

I thought that if you agree to give it a try, you kind of give it a chance to see how you truly feel.

No. No. No. Nobody is under any obligation to do anything they find painful in order to fulfil some sort of promise to you. You were spanking her. Or, to dispense with the euphemisms, smacking or hitting her. Without her full and enthusiastic consent throughout, it’s not BDSM. It’s just some arsehole beating up his wife.

What's with the hate and accusations of abuse? I obviously stopped right away.

Very happily married for 35 years and until recently we had what you would call vanilla sex but we were both happy with that. I am not sure how it started but spanking became a 'thing' and it turned out my DW has a very high pain threshold (who knew) and she wanted me to be a bit more vigorous. In turn I found out I enjoyed it and it has grown from there. It is more-or-less restricted to the bedroom although we tease outside as well, and my DW does push the boundaries at times, which only increases desire.

We were only speaking about it at the weekend how it is a very level playing field with regard to what happends. No doubt my DW has pushed a bit more recently and we are both still in shock that this has happened after all of the years together (competely faithful and completely happy with 2 grown up DCs).

We now do so much more than spanking and we are both incredibly lucky that we found this out, more by accident than anything.

I wish you the best of luck as I now know that if you have those desires it is very difficult not to act on them. I guess you remain unfulfilled which is not an easy situation.

OP, stateofmind makes some great points there. Think of BDSM as a menu of things to try... If your partner doesn't like pain, then maybe sensation play is more her thing... In my experience, spanking is enhanced for the person being spanked if they are experiencing pleasure at the same time. That's when the sensations get all screwed up and the Sub can really lose themselves and get into Sub space.

I would suggest you check out fetlife and join a discussion group on spanking there. You will be able to ask questions of people that are into it and will be able to offer advice and guidance.

Just remember that nothing is scarier than a Dom who goes from vanilla to Dungeon Master in one session. BDSM is all about communication. As a Dom, your sub is the person who has the real power. They get to choose what they are willing to give up to you so don't be thinking you can rip the submission from her. You will get further with good communication and mutual respect. Trust is the main thing. Without it a Sub can never really relax safely and give themself over to their Dom.

Softly softly catchee monkey. Or not... She might never like any of it and that is totally her choice, not yours, of course.

Good luck. I hope you can both find your mutual kink !

RLD

Rockluvvindad speaks a lot of sense in that BDSM encompasses a huge range of practices and there are many who are into it and neither like administering, nor receiving pain. For example, my partner and I love the restraint aspect and have never explored the spanking side because we know that she wouldn't enjoy the pain.

I would suggest reading an excellent book called 'BDSM A Guide For Explorers Of Extreme Eroticism', by an Italian known as Ayzad. It is incredibly comprehensive and in its 572 pages it covers things that most people haven't even dreamed of.

I can only speak for myself... but being submissive is very dependent on who you are with and the way they behave. I think submission can only be successful if you totally trust your partner, and know, without doubt, that they would not harm you. The fact that you have previously tried spanking and that you feel disappointed that she wanted to stop, may be a bit of a mental barrier for her.

I would recommend strengthening your trusting intimate relationship before approaching anything else. Take time to let her know that she is safe. Being dominant isn't just about controlling her, it's about protecting her as well. She can only be submissive if you are caring enough towards her for her to totally let go.

Most of all, think about why you want to do this. Submission can be great but it's not for everyone. It sounds like you may be prioritising your own preferences rather than seeking something that will work for both of you.

Perhaps if she learns to see that it is liberating to give up control sexually, she will also let me take charge of other aspects, make decisions for both of us, knowing that I have her best interests at heart.

Allowing another person to make decisions for you is soul destroying. If I met your wife I would tell her to leave you as you have no respect for her as an equal.

Perhaps if she learns to see that it is liberating to give up control sexually, she will also let me take charge of other aspects, make decisions for both of us, knowing that I have her best interests at heart.

Living the dynamic 24/7 is very different to having fun in the bedroom. One doesn’t necessarily lead to the other at all.

I enjoy letting my boyfriend take the lead sexually precisely because it is so different to how I am in my everyday life. I have a myriad of different responsibilities at home and at work; giving that up for a defined period of time is intoxicating. But I have no interest in surrendering to my boyfriend’s whims on a permanent basis. He wouldn’t want that either. Our relationship outside the bedroom is of equals. And I can be opinionated and bossy at times. What turns him on is the juxtaposition of how I am in my everyday life and how I am when we play together.

I would recommend strengthening your trusting intimate relationship before approaching anything else

Thank you for pointing that out, and for the rest of your observations. They really do help to guide my thinking.

To the poster who mentioned that there are a myriad of other ways to exercise BDSM, you are right and I am not in any way wedded to spanking, it's not a must for me at all because to me it's more about power exchange. Thanks for pointing me towards the book. I'll try to find it and read, very helpful.

StateOfMind, thanks - yes I suspect that is much more likely of a scenario in our busy family life. I don't desire a 24/7 and I don't desire to make ALL decisions on her behalf. Realistically that's not possible. What I do want and yearn for is 1) more harmony and less butting heads over every decision, and 2) more control indeed, more order and discipline. I want her to stick to the promises she makes for herself, and to me and not change on an impulse. I don't have to decide everything, we can split the decisions. But if we both agree to a goal in the family, and if I have responsibility for it or see behavior that is not in line with it, then I should have the final say on it. There are areas in which she is better at, such as engaging children in playful learning, or decorating the home and I'm happy to take her lead there. The most important is to avoid constant clashes and to bring more harmony. I also feel that she doesn't fully trust me - it's not just me, it's anyone. She has a hard time letting go and trusting. To me that's hurtful when I have the best interest of everyone in mind. It does not mean that she should not challenge me, as I am not perfect, but it does mean she can just accept something for the moment simply because it's my will and then explain later her disagreement or her point of view. If I love her - and I do love her dearly; I look at here every day and think oh how lucky I am! - then I will be disappointed in myself for not having made the decision that made her happy as well. I will take that feedback on board and try my best next time to do better.

I initially said that maybe submission in the bedroom leads to submission outside, but I see now that I may not even need that. I need harmony outside, and perhaps submission in the bedroom is more than enough. I don't really know and we don't know how she will evolve either. At the end of the day, I need to take it one step at a time. At this moment I think the intimacy that comes with BDSM in the bedroom can only improve the rest of the relationship.

To the person who thinks allowing another to make decisions for you is soul destroying: I beg to disagree, as I went along with her decisions in the past and I am not a destroyed soul. I think it's a matter of balance and degree - depending on each of our's need for independence or dependence. The fact that you pass such judgement on me from one statement is quite hurtful- why should she leave me, if I don't force, I don't badger, nag, abuse, pout, manipulate, and only wish for a better relationship for us? I'll approach her openly about changing deliberately the balance of power in our relationship, with the hope that she will like it, settle in with it and that we both find a new dynamic that is more harmonious and suits us better. And if it doesn't, it doesn't- I'm flexible and can learn to live with a lot less, as I have until now. To want a bit more control and ask for it openly is not criminal, is it?!

Your final post makes for uncomfortable reading. It sounds from the description you give, that what you want, perhaps, is a surrendered wife.

You want to control her out of the bedroom, in day to day life, and think that starting it off in the bedroom will facilitate that.

I hope it's just your awful way of writing it but you sound like you want a green light to abuse your wife.

Harmony in day to day life does not rely on one partner controlling anything, it relies on compromise and communication.

Communication for sure, but compromise means always having to battle it out. How is that harmonious?
Again calling me an abuser. Have you read anything about D/s? It would be abuse if I coherence her, physically or mentally. You think that if I wanted to do that I'd be on MN asking of any woman has turned from vanilla to submissive? You read about that on blogs, but you never know if you can trust it.

www.imperfectlyperfectmama.com/submissive-wife/

www.yourtango.com/2016294256/why-being-submissive-kinky-bdsm-couple-powerful

shejustglows.com/2016/05/submissive-wife-experiment/

That's why I want to hear from real people. Clearly I care. The fact that there have not been any replies from women in the affirmative says something, indeed.

Why is my last post uncomfortable reading? Care to explain?

Ok. I think you're getting confused. You've shared two articles better describing surrendered wives ( Google it) and one describing a submissive dynamic in BDSM terms.

You sound controlling and weird. Your latest post reads as the the sexual element of bdsm I’d the least important one, you just want a weak willed passive partner so you can have ultimate control. Do her a favour and leave, find yourself someone who’s on board with your desires and let your wife find someone who doesn’t treat her like with such disrespect.
And I’m saying this as someone who loves a bdsm switch partnership.

I am a sub, and would no way be sub for you.
You clearly don’t understand the d/s relationship and it sounds like it just want to be in control.
Massive red flags all round.
I would suggest you go and get some counselling

OP you’ve said in your posts:

You “want and yearn... for more control” (this is in the context of everyday life not in the bedroom)
You and your dw are “always butting heads over every decision”
And you say, “I also feel that she doesn't fully trust me... She has a hard time letting go and trusting”

I think your relationship has some serious problems and suggesting that your wife submit to you in the bedroom is not going to help and may cause more problems.

If she were my friend and I knew some of the above, to be honest I’d advise her to leave you and run a mile

I have to admit that I am surprised by how many negative reactions I am getting. I have no ill intentions and yet am full of red flags. I actually appreciate hearing from women and especially subs, and I'm taking the criticism on board. I would appreciate a bit more depth, though. What is it about the D/s dynamic that I am getting so fundamentally wrong? I am not disputing it; am honestly asking because I want to know so I can learn and improve. I thought every dom has an underlying desire for more control.?!
It does sadden me that I am seen as such a pariah, but it is what it is, I am here to understand and learn before I act on any of these desires.
I'd appreciate more constructive feedback from the subs on here.

If I am an example, then the statement that every Dom has an underlying desire for more control is not true. I sometimes enjoy 'playing' at being dominant in the bedroom and my partner enjoys 'playing' the part of the submissive, but outside of our sex life (and BDSM is by no means a 24/7 part of our sexuality) she is every bit my equal. She is in no way subservient to me in our everyday life; if I wanted that, I would buy a dog.

The first thing you should do is talk to your wife.
A Dom relationship requires A LOT of trust.
I’ve recently split from my husband as I could not trust him to listen to me, but I’ve been with my Dom for about 2 months and I trust him implicitly. Why?
He listens to absolutely everything I say, and he accepts whatever it is I want or do not want.
His take is that you can only have a Dom if the sub allows it and vice versa.
Before we commenced our d/s relationship he asked me a lot of detailed questions about my likes and dislikes, and the first few sessions were spent with him learning me and my body until he felt confident he could push me further.
I am only sub in the bedroom, in real life I am pretty feisty and if someone tried to control that they would get told to do one.
Being a Dom is not about taking control and doing what you want, he does things to me, and makes me do things to him that give us both pleasure (even if that involves pain for me), he does only what he knows I will like.
There’s no coercion and there never should be, if I am in conversation with a potential new Dom (I have several d/s relationships) and they even slightly put pressure on me, or push me on something, then they are gone. I have my boundaries and every Dom should respect that, and never ever cross that boundary, however much they want to.
A successful Dom has to be in control of themselves, I absolutely trust mine and that’s why it works.

I always test potentials by saying no to them, and their response gives me a good idea about them.
I reiterate what I said, I would suggest counselling for you first, it’s not a criticism, but I think you would benefit from it.

This is the paragraph that concerns me

StateOfMind, thanks - yes I suspect that is much more likely of a scenario in our busy family life. I don't desire a 24/7 and I don't desire to make ALL decisions on her behalf. Realistically that's not possible. What I do want and yearn for is 1) more harmony and less butting heads over every decision, and 2) more control indeed, more order and discipline. I want her to stick to the promises she makes for herself, and to me and not change on an impulse. I don't have to decide everything, we can split the decisions. But if we both agree to a goal in the family, and if I have responsibility for it or see behavior that is not in line with it, then I should have the final say on it. There are areas in which she is better at, such as engaging children in playful learning, or decorating the home and I'm happy to take her lead there. The most important is to avoid constant clashes and to bring more harmony. I also feel that she doesn't fully trust me - it's not just me, it's anyone. She has a hard time letting go and trusting. To me that's hurtful when I have the best interest of everyone in mind. It does not mean that she should not challenge me, as I am not perfect, but it does mean she can just accept something for the moment simply because it's my will and then explain later her disagreement or her point of view. If I love her - and I do love her dearly; I look at here every day and think oh how lucky I am! - then I will be disappointed in myself for not having made the decision that made her happy as well. I will take that feedback on board and try my best next time to do better.

She is her own person, she is allowed and entitled to make her own decisions, change her made and break the promises she made to herself, d/s relationships aside, she is a human being in her own right, she is not subservient to you, you have no right to EVEN QUESTION those things, your best interest is not her best interest.
You come across as selfish, and not looking at things from her point of view. In all honesty I’m not surprised she doesn’t trust you, I doubt you inspire trust if you treat her like she is less than you, and think that you know better

Thank you Flobvertybillop, for taking the time. What you say cuts deep, and saddens me, but I see the issue. Looks like I have a lot of work to do on myself.

You’re welcome, and I wish you well.