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Sex

Can't orgasm

19 replies

paintedpanda · 28/12/2019 15:45

I have been with my DP for a year. Our sex life is healthy but he rarely orgasms. It's maybe once every 15 times we have sex.
I don't know what I can suggest to help. I'm the first girlfriend he's had since he was about 18 (he was 28 when we got together) and so I think he's very used to masturbating instead of with a partner. He is circumcised and has been since a child, although I don't know whether that makes any difference. He says that constant repetitive movements work but the minute it changes then it's like starting over again.
What can I do to help him? I just want to make him happy. Plus, I know it's still early on but if (big if! Not looking for advice regarding the relationship being very new, too soon, etc.) we decide we would like a child together, this problem could make TTC very difficult.

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Namechangedyorkshire · 28/12/2019 18:22

That is fairly unusual in a man. It may be due to him being circumcised combined with masturbating a lot so losing sensitivity?

Do you find you need any lube at all when playing with him? Do you give him oral at all?

Some say being circumcised means a loss of sensitivity. My DH has been circumcised as an adult and certainly hasn't resulted in any problems such as you describe. I love him being cut through and he knows it which works well lol

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bingandflop · 28/12/2019 21:22

I can only imagine this is due to a porn addiction. Given that he has had 10 years without a partner he probably masturbates a lot, this has probably affected things and caused the death grip. I'm not sure what to suggest, hopefully a man will come along soon with advice on how to combat this.

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PrawnSacrifice · 28/12/2019 23:35

There can be all sorts of reasons, don't jump to the porn conclusion by default.

I can't orgasm at the moment due to SSRI medication.

There have been times in the past when I've also not been able to orgasm, whether this be stress, relationship problems, work pressure, nerves, or simply just not finding my partner attractive/sexual at that moment.

Just like women, men can sometimes just not be in the zone.

A previous partner said she had a long term partner who never had an orgasm in his life, so whilst not that common, it's not unheard of.

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Anothernick · 29/12/2019 00:35

Man here - constant repetitive movements involving stimulation of the most sensitive areas are normally guaranteed to achieve orgasm and the most obvious way of getting there is PIV. Does this not work for him? If not then I think he must be masturbating too much - at his age his sex drive should be strong, he would need to cum at least once a week I guess and if he is not doing it with you then he must be finding satisfaction though masturbating. He needs to stop all forms of sexual stimulation for a few days, maybe a week or two, until his balls are ready to explode and by then he should not need much stimulation to achieve the required result. Once he has achieved it his confidence will improve.

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Adelais · 29/12/2019 11:50

Can he stop masturbating for a while and see if that makes a difference?

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paintedpanda · 29/12/2019 12:18

Thanks for the responses. Definitely something to mull over.

I don't think he's addicted to porn but I definitely thing the decade of solely masturbating hasn't helped him at all, but it is totally understandable.
He isn't on any medication.
We don't use lube, would this help? I do give oral which he enjoys but never orgasms this way either.
He had a little trouble at the beginning of the relationship getting hard, but we put it down to nerves because it had been that long since he'd done anything with a woman. I reassured him that it really didn't matter and we'd try again next time. We haven't had any problems in that department since so I don't think it's nerves this time.
I don't think he's masturbating much at all, but I'll advise him that perhaps he should stop altogether and see if that helps.

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mamato3lads · 29/12/2019 17:17

Definitely stop masturbating for a week or two then ride him. If that doesn't make him cum I'd suggest a trip to the doctors

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Namechangedyorkshire · 29/12/2019 17:30

@paintedpanda

With circumcised guys lube can be really good. It depends on how much pre cum he has but certainly using some lube would probably help.

I have never known a partner who, when rubbing his cock and sucking him didn't cum. If anything the need was to slow it down so he didn't cum to quickly

And enjoy that he is circumcised. Everyone has own preference but I really loved it after he was circumcised.

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PrawnSacrifice · 29/12/2019 18:06

@mamato3lads

Not sure that's fair advice. Can you imagine saying that to a woman?

I've been ridden numerous times and not cum. In fact probably hundreds of times without having an orgasm.

@Namechangedyorkshire

I've never had an orgasm from a blowjob. Your technique might be especially good, but many aren't and we can't assume one way or the other in this case.

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Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 18:10

I don't think circumcision will have had any bearing on his ability to orgasm, you don't hear of that in the Jewish and Muslim communities, most African countries and the USA routinely circumcise.

My husband and a guy I was with previously were circumcised. No problems.

Your boyfriend does orgasm sometimes though. Does it bother him much when he doesn't? Not everyone is overly worried about orgasm, many prefer all the rest of the intimacy. If he's happy I don't see a problem unless you are desperate to conceive a child - but there are ways and means.

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paintedpanda · 29/12/2019 18:43

Actually, he doesn't seem that bothered when he doesn't. Perhaps it's more my issue than his.
I will definitely suggest some of these ideas though.

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Anothernick · 29/12/2019 21:06

It is odd that he accepts this situation - it is deeply frustrating both physically and mentally for a guy to get it on and not achieve climax. IMO at least 80% of the satisfaction I get from sex comes through the orgasm - it is an essential for both partners in any sexual relationship. I have been with my DW for 30 years and we must have DTD several thousand times - but I could probably count the number of occasions on which I have not had an orgasm on the fingers of one hand. It just doesn't happen like that - your bf does have an issue and you need to tackle it.

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paintedpanda · 29/12/2019 21:35

He really doesn't seem bothered at all. He says he doesn't masturbate either. I can't think of a time he'd have the chance to

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Bluerussian · 29/12/2019 23:15

There are plenty of people to whom orgasm isn't important and it doesn't make them frustrated. Believe me there are more than three ways to skin a proverbial - ask anyone who had more than a few sexual partners. The important thing is mutual pleasure and it doesn't have to include a specific destination, it can be thrilling and seem endless.

For some, of course, orgasm does matter, it's all about getting their end away but every person is different.

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Osirus · 02/01/2020 00:34

I don’t think I could have sex if I couldn’t orgasm. It would be like smelling chocolate and not being able to eat it.

If he’s not bothered, I’m not sure what you can do to change it.

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PrawnSacrifice · 02/01/2020 18:33

I can't orgasm at the moment due to SSRI meds and it's driving me nuts.
I can't imagine being content with this situations.

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paintedpanda · 03/01/2020 11:03

I think he is more frustrated than he's letting on. A few days ago, he said he doesn't masturbate much but when he does, it takes him ages. I don't know what I can do to help.

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joystir59 · 05/01/2020 00:14

Is he on medication that could inhibit his libido?

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paintedpanda · 05/01/2020 10:42

No, no meds

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