Imagining someone else during sex

[AhhHem]

Have NC for obvious reasons.

I’m married to a nice guy but we have had a lot of relationship problems, including him cheating. Our sex life is poor - quality, quantity, etc. We have young children and I want to have them living with me all the time (rather than divorce) so I’m making some effort to keep the family together. I’m no longer sexually attracted to my husband but he has made it clear that not having sex is a dealbreaker. So we have sex about once every 2 months which seems to be enough to stop talk of divorce.

As I say, I’m not attracted to him in that way and I’m very much the kind of person who needs a huge emotional attraction to feel a sexual attraction so it’s very difficult for me. I can’t just enjoy the sensation.

To deal with this I have found myself thinking about someone else during sex. Previously sex was very painful but as soon as I imagined this other person, it suddenly didn’t hurt as much. That’s when I realised that I had vaginismus. So, I’m continuing to think about this other guy.

My question is...

They say that you bond with your partner during sex because you release oxytocin. I’m wondering if I will be bonding with my husband or will I be doing some kind of one sided emotional bonding with my friend who I am imagining?

If you routinely fantasise about someone other than your partner in order to enjoy sex then that’s not good at all. I can’t imagine how this would help you to bond with your partner. Why are you having sex with your partner when you don’t want to? This situation seems untenable.

You enjoy sex but not with your husband but you also want & need sex and the intimacy that comes with it. Pretending your having sex with someone else isn't the answer and how long can you keep this up? Have you considered counselling? What makes you think.the children will not be living with you if you separate?

Why are you having sex with your partner when you don’t want to?
Because it’s: have occasional sex or split up. I don’t want to hurt my children. I think I can deal with it mentally if it means the children are with me and happy.

Have you considered counselling?
Yes we had counselling but it didn’t help. I’m having my own counselling too.

What makes you think the children will not be living with you if you separate?
I think he would want them 50% because he knows he’s entitled to that and when he realises it affects CM payments he’ll want it for that reason too.

I think you are still hurting your children possibly more so in the long term .
You are living a lie and they will look toward your relationship with each other as a basis for the norm and when they look to form their own relationships .
This could be what they will aspire to one day ? Is that what your want for them ?

I don’t think they have any idea about our sex life. On the surface everything seems fine. My husband probably thinks everything is fine too. No, I don’t want this situation for my children. That’s partly why I’m having individual counselling so I can understand myself a bit more and not pass down repeating patterns.

Can he actually have the kids 50/50? I can't because of work, I leave before they get up and back after school finishes

He works long days 5 days a week but maybe he would want them and get childcare to cover each end of the day. I work part time and would have to do that on my working days. We don’t have any other family that can help.

Child care would probably cost more than child maintenance. I have 3 kids so that's 19% of my wages. It may not sound a lot but it's a big chunk out of what I earn.

As it stands, childcare is £500 a month more than I earn so we are used to spending a ridiculous amount. I don’t think that would put him off.