Dp only ever has sex in a specific position and I don't understand why

[Sexquestionnamechange]

Hi, dp and I have been together for 11 years and have a 5 year old. There are several things that bother me about our sex life but this one really baffles me - he only has sex with me in a particular position. Both of us lying in bed, him spooning me... Doing it that way. It isn't that I don't like doing it that way but I don't like that it is always that way. I did talk to him about it a couple of years ago and told him I felt upset by it because we can't see each others faces. He's always said my face is my best feature and I've always been considered to be attractive but I'm wondering if maybe he doesn't think so anymore (he says he does though). When I brought it up, he kind of shrugged it off and denied that was the only position we had sex in...but it really was and continues to be.

I should add we have only had sex four times over the last three years, but this position thing began over 6 years ago before I got pregnant when we were still having sex far more regularly. It was a while before I really noticed that it was always that way. I just don't understand why he won't do other positions. During the act I sometimes try moving around but can tell he doesn't want to. I've asked him before, "can I/you get on top"... I think his response has been "let's do it this way for a bit more" or something like that..and we just carry on that way. Usually I pretend to cum because he likes to keep going until I have (he would stop if I asked him to, and I have before, but it's easier to pretend sometimes because I feel guilty stopping it. Then I masturbate when he leaves the room for a shower.)

It's far from the only problem with our sex life (or what's left of it), or with our relationship in general, but it probably confuses me the most. Lack of foreplay I can understand, lack of general intimacy (cuddles, kisses etc)...I can kind of see how that happened...but the sex always being in this specific position.. I just don't really understand it. I wondered if anyone had any ideas/had ever had anything similar. Sorry if this is a weird post. I've never posted or spoken so much about my sex life before.

OP,
Sorry to hear about your illness have more , and another long-distance virtual hug, as I'm sure that's another reason you will struggle to separate, if you decide to go that route..

If he loves you, he should be supporting you in your illness, not hating you for it. He married the whole person - not just the healthy part (in sickness and in health!!!)

How long has he been WFH? If your DC is 5, it can't have been that long?

Probably TMI, but I assume you don't need much care ATM? If so, depending on his commute, he could have approached work for some sort of flexible working. (Did you ask him to WFH? I suspect not)

Also far far TMI, but I'm assuming your illness doesn't impact your ability to have an intimate relationship?

When I was together with my XW, I used to also wfh, and had an "office". I tried to separate my work life from home life, but I was still in the house (almost) 247, and I'm certain* it caused tension.

I used to occasionally suggest some, er, afternoon delight , to take advantage of the fact I was at home, and was always rejected... I eventually gave up.

Could he have positional erectile dysfunction and doesn't want to discuss it. My partner has this and lying in spoons position helps him to maintain an erection.

If it was porn related wouldn't he try to do what he has watched with you? Push the boat out and tell him you want a trial separation and see what his reaction is, if he agrees then it's a good bye full time or he will beg to change if he really does care and love you.

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?

He’s lazy and uninterested, obviously. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt for a second and assume he’s not cheating, watching porn etc. That leaves you in a sexless unhappy marriage. Is it ok to leave for this reason - yes of course. But you did marry him and I do think you owe it to him to give him a last chance. A proper sit down intervention and a month to change his behaviour. Make it abundantly clear that the current status is unsatisfactory.

Terms

• daily physical intimacy (kisses, cuddles, physical love)
• he answers your questions about his views on the situation. Is he happy with the status quo? Does he like sex? Why does he only do the one position? Does he masterbate? Does he find you attractive?
• he commits to trying new things. Lots of new positions, taking your instruction on how you like to be turned on, trying oral again.

If you feel how you do now in a months time then it’s time to pack and leave.

I also think he might be quite inherently lazy and selfish. It doesnt scream porn addiction to me.
I identify with much of what you have written based on my relationship with my ex. Especially the cuddles=sex thing. Does he generally 'get' other people and consider their needs? Because it sounds to me like he is absolutely not considering yours. He has a half-assed try to meet your needs for a couple of weeks and then can't be bothered. He should actively want to make you happy.

As TeeBee says. He may have difficulty maintaining a strong erection and it is easier and more comfortable for him to maintain an erection and have sex in the spooning position. Does he have any health issues at all? Also he may have anxiety issues about sex because of erection issues and so avoids it

The thought that immediately came to my mind was gay/bi. The sex from behind without looking at your face, the lack of interest in your breasts, the refusal to perform oral.... sorry, but that is my honest feeling about this.

Go before you feel completely rejected and unsexy. This is his problem not yours

I don't know if I was behaving differently but since I wrote my first post he has been much attentive. Talking to me and hes even hugged me (while standing in the kitchen etc so not in bed as a signal for sex). But I'm not reacting warmly. It isn't on purpose but my gut instinct is just to withdraw. I think the resentment in me is too deep to just go back to normal. We have had some talks, not about sex specifically but about our relationship in general and he gets sad and I get sad but I don't know if that's enough. I have mentioned the lack of sex and he gets quite angry/defensive.

I am questioning the gay/bi thing. I honestly don't know. I know he'd say no if I asked him. I remember making a joke about being bisexual years ago and he did not find it funny. He got angry about it if I remember correctly but I'm not sure why. He's not really macho - as in he's not one of the guys you hear about who puts on a really macho front to hide the fact they're gay or anything. Sorry if that's offensive but I have read about that kind of thing and he's not like that at all. If he is gay or bi I feel like even he wouldn't have ever thought that he is. He definitely doesn't seem to have a massive interest in having sex with me but he did in the past. I have lost some weight due to my illness. He has said more than once that I need to get my weight back to 8 stone so I look better again... Maybe it's just that? Though as I said it all began before any of the illness and stuff so I don't think that would be the complete answer but now I think about it he has definitely found my weight unappealing.

OP it's good that your talking together more. Could you try asking him if your size is an issue for him?

Sorry - this was an oversight on my part and I should have mentioned it from the beginning because I know that nobody likes a dripfeed, but I genuinely didn't think of it. He has a big problem with my size. Not so much at the moment, as I have gained some, but he still tells me I'd look better with more weight. When I was down to my lowest weight he regularly told me how terrible I looked. He has said since that this was "tough love" (he thought I was not eating because I had an eating disorder rather than it being related to my health).

This has kind of turned from a "why does he only want to have sex in this one position" to "how can I save my relationship". But really I don't think it can be saved. I don't think I want it to be. I wanted some answers to things, I know he's the only one who can give me them. I don't think he will. I'll have to let it go.

OP,
It’s really good that you are talking. It does sound like it might be too little too late.

I think there might be multiple things going on in your relationship.

He could be having some sort of issue that is preventing him getting / maintaining an erection, hence the getting angry / defensive when you mention the lack of sex - he doesn't want to admit he has a problem.

He still also could be bi, but not want to admit that either, even to himself, particularly if he is "macho"

I do think he has issues that he needs to face up to, and get some help for. The question is, do you want to give him the time - it doesn't sound like you do.

I’m wondering if he, in some way, was trying to be protective of you by not being intimate?

Something like he saw you progressively getting sicker, and losing weight, and didn’t want to add to your problems by being intimate when you may not have been physically able – for instance, there are a fair amount of posts on here about women with young children being frustrated by their husbands’ sexual advances - maybe he was acting like he did in order to NOT be like that?

It would kind of explain the cuddles = sex thing – he didn’t want to push you into intimacy, but mistook an intimate gesture as an invitation to initiate sex.

He shouldn’t have told you that you look terrible. That’s not what you want to hear when you are ill and losing weight… Did he know that you had contracted an illness? Did he know that it could / would result in weight loss?

It’s got to be your decision, but if you want to save your relationship / marriage, then I think you both could do with some counselling, either separately, or as a couple.

The illness is a genetic condition I have always had but hadn't known about. It was triggered by pregnancy and childbirth so my health started to go downhill in the years following childbirth but nobody knew why including me.

Op,
I feel for you. My (adult) DD has something similar, triggered a couple of years ago by who knows what...

If I can précis things..

Your sex life was good (or at least, there was quite a bit of PIV) until you fell pregnant. (DP has never really done anything foreplay-wise.)

You had sex in more than one position prior to falling pregnant, but about a year before you fell pregnant, DP would only have sex with you whilst spooning.

During pregnancy DP didn't want to have sex.

After birth, sex was painful / difficult for about a year. Your health started to decline. Nobody knew why.

Due to your illness, you lost weight. Your DP was "aggressive" in his comments about your weight.

DP has changed his work, and now WFH, so that he can do the school run etc.

At some point your illness was diagnosed, you (hopefully) received treatment, and have started to be able to cope / live with it.

I realise that's cutting a lot of stuff out, (sorry) but hopefully, I have the bones of the issues..

Devils advocate mode
It kinda looks like your DP was trying to be a caring sharing husband.

How long where you TTC? Is it possible that he read somewhere that the spooning position was best for conception? That might explain the switch prior to you falling pregnant.

Why has he continued with this position - could he want another child?

Then he had 9 months of no sex, as he only did / does PIV, and didn't like the thought of having sex with you whilst you where pregnant.

Then there was a year where he couldn't have PIV. During this period, your illness took hold, and (maybe) you started to lose weight. DP thought maybe you had an eating disorder.

The kindest part of me says (and I can sort of see how he might have thought this way) that he is / was trying to do what he thinks / thought is / was right for you.

Unfortunately, he has never actually discussed any of it with you. Instead he has been a "man" about it, and believes he has taken responsibility for things that are going on in your lives.

devils advocate mode off!

I'm probably way off base with the above, but I wanted to offer a different perspective.

I do think counselling would be a good idea, unless you have made your mind up about your relationship.

I think you just need to ask him "why". Why does he prefer sex from behind where he cannot see your face or body. Also all your other questions. If you are serious then you tell him your marriage depends upon his willingness to explain himself.

OP. I think you should leave him. He doesn’t sound nice at all and seems to have checked out of your marriage. What are his good points?

I am almost weirded out by this thread because I have experienced a lot of what you describe in my marriage, which has now ended. Sex wasn't the biggest problem (it wa actually money- related) but it didn't help and like you, I spent so much time wondering, googling etc.
My ex and I rarely had sex, when we did he strongly preferred the position you describe which I found the most boring of all and it gave me leg cramp! He only changed position with great reluctance when I asked to. He just didn't seem that excited by me sexually and with kids it tapered away to almost nothing.
I too felt/feel great resentment. It definitely ate away at my self esteem, which has not recovered. Missing out. Covering up. Driving myself quite mad.
I never stopped fancying him or enjoying sex. He refused to talk about it or get testosterone checked and basically fobbed me off and made me feel like the mad one expecting sex more than a few times a year.
Also, no foreplay to speak of. Also, he hated kissing so that stopped once we got married.

In my case, although I never got to the bottom of it, I think my ex was a repressed homosexual. His culture (not British by birth) was quite homophobic. He looked like he wanted to vomit any time there was a gay scene on tv/ film, couldn't watch etc.

Aside from all the sex stuff, as your posts go on your sadness/despair/loneliness seems more apparent.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You are still a young woman.