Another no sex drive thread

[AwkwardSituation1]

Name changed as embarrassed, I’ve been on here for years.
My sex drive is none existent and I don’t know what to do. Been with husband for 8 years, we have a 2 year old. I do still find him attractive and we get on so well but I just have no sexual desires at all.
It’s not fare to dh, I know this, it’s got to the point now that we’ve been talking about splitting up. We still love each other so much but I understand that it’s not fare to him to not have sex. When we do have sex he knows that I can’t really be bothered. I’m always thinking ‘just hurry up’ or I’ll make excuses so that we don’t have to have sex. We have sex probably once every two weeks but I’d happily not have it at all. Sorry if tmi but I don’t masturbate at all and I’m not interested in anyone else.
I’ve booked a doctors appointment as I do want to save our marriage but I can’t realistically see what she’s going to do. She won’t be able to wave a magic wand!
I just needed to get it off my chest. I’ve no one in rl I can tell.

I do think for some people its like the libido switch this thrown to ‘off’ and it goes beyond the normal rigours of raising young children. I am not sure what a gp can do really. It might just be a case of patience... or wanting another child!

Thank you for your reply I’m hoping maybe it’s a hormone thing. I’ve been having horrendous night sweats for years which I have had many tests but nothing was found. The gp first told me ‘you’re showing classic signs of lymph cancer’ which obviously panicked me! Thankfully after scans etc I was told it’s not but have never actually been given a diagnosis.

I wish you all the best with your GP. Well done for at least trying as the reality is at your age, yes it could end your marriage

Thank you for your reply. We have spoken about splitting up but we don’t really want to, I know I just need to sort myself out and find my sex drive again.

OP, l can’t imagine not feeling the need for sex. I have regular 1:1 sex and still masterbate once or twice a day. 2 questions if I may?

1. Are you on any medication?
2. What form of contraception are you using?

@StarlightLady thank you for your reply. The only medication I’m on is my contraceptive pill, microgynon. I’ve been on it for around 15 years, only came off it to get pregnant and managed to get pregnant first cycle.

If it helps we had no sex life bar the odd drunken encounter when we had young kids, not we are out of the fog we are having the best sex of our relationship- from nothing to 3 times a week - hang in there

I’m just hoping dh will wait as I k ow it must be frustrating for him. I do love him, I tell him that but he’s told me himself that he feels down about it as he thinks it must be that I’m not attracted to him. I am though, I just don’t want sex at the moment.

OP - l would suggest you come off the microgynon and invest in a large box of condoms. It might be that the pill has been messing with your system too long. Don’t expect instant change though, but it might help.

A little late adding to this thread but just wanted to ask ....
Are you physically active ? Go to the gym, running etc ? I lost my urge for a while but found hard, physical exercise helped. I had also lost my body confidence a little and found that exercising made me feel good about myself again.
What about dressing sexy, for you not for your husband, and then you'll feel sexy ? Wearing holdups instead of tights, nice pants instead of boring safe cotton ones?
I know these may seem material things but they helped me get my mojo back so worth giving them a try maybe ?

I second what @StarlightLady said about coming off the pill. It utterly destroyed my sex drive. The change wasn't instant but it did eventually come back and it would be a life and death situation before I'd take anything hormonal again.

I was like this when kids were young. 10 years later it's quite the opposite and is only limited by hubby's desire. So it may change when you get back in shape and rediscover yourself again properly. You need to do exciting stuff that gives you proper thrill and happiness again - a bit hard with young kids but you'll get there. I now exercise 2hrs a day as well so that helps too, and this wasn't possible when kids were little. Definitely come off the pill - what is the point in it if you're not active anyway? I agree it may be one of the reasons. Good luck.

No advice to share but I just came on here to post the same thing. DH and I haven't got to the point of talking about splitting up but our current situation is not sustainable in the long term.

We do have sex probably once or twice a week but it's always over very quickly, no foreplay, just to "get it done". No good for me, probably crap for him too but somehow allows us to keep bumbling along. I do still have some sex drive and masturbate occasionally (DH doesn't know this) but somehow I can't seem to get there with DH. It's almost as though I've become too shy to be sexual in front of him... not sure how that happened as I never used to feel inhibited sexually.

We've got a 2 year old and for me breastfeeding was a massive contributor (I BF DS until he was about 18 months, and felt completely "touched out" during that time), and I'm also now pregnant with DC2 so probably expecting too much of myself to feel sexual at this stage. I've also got a long term health condition which causes fatigue and has meant I've needed to have some surgeries which have affected my vaginal area.

But I do want our sex life back, I'm just not sure how to go about it... I almost feel like I need to get drunk to lose my inhibitions (but obv can't do that now!)

Sorry to hijack the thread. No advice to share really but just to say that I feel similar and really hope a solution can be found. Stopping the pill could be a good one to try, and I'm sure exercise helps too. Good luck and let me know if you find anything that works!

Just to add we did have one great night of sex a few months ago (how sad does that sound haha) when we'd both really made an effort. Dressed up nicely, cooked a lovely dinner, bottle of wine, lots of conversation etc. So maybe it's something to do with breaking out of the "parent" mould and rediscovering the old you...?

I'd try ditching the pill and using condoms for a few months to see if there's any change. When I was on the pill I had no sex drive whatsoever, ex refused to have the snip or use condoms so it was only when we split and I stopped taking the pill that I discovered what effect it had had on me.