How to help my partner with ED

[Upsideandundergarments]

Hello oh wise ones.

Background first: Both my partner and I are in our late 20s, no children (not trying yet), good health, rarely drink and no drugs.

We've always had a healthy sex life. It could be anything from 4 times a week to once a fortnight - less or more - it didn't matter because we were on the same page and never felt deprived nor forced.

A few months ago things were getting heated and suddenly DP lost his erection. It had never happened before but I know it does sometimes and no big deal. I reassured him and he *awkward cough - finished me off and we both went to sleep.

That's when the problems started. He got massively in his head about the whole thing. He has anxiety anyway and really freaked out. We start getting intimate and he can absolutely get hard but the moment it comes to DTD he loses it. He gets random erections like first thing in the morning so it's not a mechanical issue.

I've tried focusing on him in other ways (oral etc) have him focus on me, we've tried taking sex completely off the table so it's all fun foreplay with no pressure but he cannot get over this stumbling block.

To pre-empt a few questions - he 100% isn't having an affair. He used to DIY (as did I) but stopped when this happened to focus on us (but I'm not sure it's helping)

I love him so, so much and we both want this. Any advice, tactics etc are so gratefully received!

Thank you!

Yes this is common - performance anxiety, it's usually not a major issue and he just needs to be a bit more relaxed. The problem is, as you say, that it's massively in his head. Because that is where it is, in his head, not in any other part of his body.

You need to reassure him that this is absolutely nothing to worry about in the long term, it happens to all of us men at some time and almost all of us get over it. There is usually some external stress factor involved and it is very easy for a guy to become obsessed - not being able to get hard when required is a really horrible feeling if you have been used to believing that you are a sex machine (and that is what most guys believe themselves to be).

IMO the key to resolving this is for him to find a way to satisfy himself, which could be oral, wanking, anything really, he just needs to relax, lie back and fill his mind with thoughts of how pleasurable sex is and whatever images he usually brings to mind to stimulate himself. Once he has managed to perform he should find that the anxiety will diminish, he will know that it can be overcome and so he will worry less and this will make it less likely to recur in future. Relaxation is the key. It might be helpful if he had a drink or two beforehand, though not too much as that might be counter-productive. If he is really anxious then medication might be necessary, though anti-depressants often reduce sex drive so this may not be a good solution.

He is not alone, this is a very common problem and it is usually temporary and will have no permanent effect on him.

If you're in the UK Viagra is available over the counter at pharmacies, the performance boost it gives will likely balance out any anxiety.

The first time it happens could be for a whole host of reasons but, unfortunately, we men do get it massively in our heads about it. Getting an erection and Ejaculating are massively important to us. Does he still get nocturnal or morning glory erections? If yes then at least you know it’s not a physical issue, so it is the a case of overcoming the stage fright issue. Keep doing what you are doing to remove (his perceived) pressure. Fingers crossed for you.

Tell him you want him to finger fuck you tonight and only allowed to use his fingers, the visual side seeing you been satisfied will trigger a erection, then let him inside you if he wants, , knowing he doesn't have to preform might relax him enough to want to do it.

I would suggest not having penetrative sex for a while so there is no pressure on him