Porn /sex, advice

[Feellonely]

Been with DH for over 20yrs, he's always viewed porn, lately though its really bothering me as he's finding it hard(excuse the pun ) to maintain an erection when intimate with me, I've snooped on his phone and know he's looking at porn daily and I believe he's got the 'death grip' I feel disappointed and insecure thinking it's because I've gained weight over last couple of years but so has he, he says he still fancies me so I'm just so confused

I really think porn can be very damaging to relationships when only one person is using it. It sound like your husband is using it to excess if he's using it daily and it's having a knock on effect of his sex life with you. It's not fair on you at all. Are you ok with moderate porn use or do you just put up with it?
If he wants to have a decent sex life with you, he needs to stop using porn and wanking full stop at the moment as it's desensitised him to sex with a real person. If he can't or won't do that, then I don't think your sex life is going to improve. Sad, but so many men seem to do it to the detriment of their relationship, I can only assume because it's easier and there is no emotional involvement.

I watch it with him if he suggests it which isn't often at all, I think because he's always used it I'm kind of used to that but not it seems to be affecting us, I don't know how to approach it though as I know it's not right looking at his phone but he was using his phone in the middle of the night awhile ago then when I woke he quickly put it away and went to the loo, that's when I looked and surprise surprise was looking at porn, since then I've checked daily and that's how I know.

Yes, sounds like he has a problem. Looking at porn when he's in bed with you is not on. And has erection problems could well be due to getting off to porn too often.

I suggest, though, that you do not approach this from the porn angle, it will make him defensive. Start the conversation about his difficulty maintaining erections and see how he reacts. Try to be sympathetic at first, say you are worried, does he need any help, is there a problem etc etc. Hopefully this will prod him into doing something but if it doesn't you will need to raise the porn issue more directly. Don't blame yourself, a few extra pounds should not stop him wanting you, though if your sec life's has become a bit routine you could try something new which he might like.

If he cuts down the porn use normal service should be restored, but motivating him to do this could be tricky.

He started antidepressants a few months ago so that could be the cause of not maintaining an erection, before the medication though he has usually finished off himself by hand, just makes me feel crap like I'm not good enough, eventhough he says I am

I think the anti-depressants are a red herring here, do you know which he takes? I've taken pretty much all of them and full erectile dysfunction, loss of libido and problems ejaculating are the main sexual side effects. He has a porn problem, watching it whilst in bed with you is totally disrespectful, pp is spot on regarding desensitisation and I'd be amazed if he doesn't have a death grip issue - has he suggested anal yet?

Maybe it's me that's the problem as I'm not confident with my own body, I'm trying to lose weight to feel better about myself, just makes me feel worse knowing he's getting pleasure from viewing porn when I'm right there.

@FeelLonely, I have been on mumsnet recently seeking advice on ED.
I'm a man of 54 and suffer from some medical conditions which have affected me over the last year.
My DW and I are dealing with it thanks to input from mumsnet.
As for your DH, I would say that use of porn every day is not a good idea. All men use porn to varying degrees and I'm not going to pretend I don't. My DW isn't keen on me using porn but turns a blind eye to it. I would maybe watch porn twice a week and mainly guy/girl and lesbian stuff, nothing too weird.
I do know though that people get really hooked on it and have to watch harder and more extreme stuff to get their rocks off. Perhaps your DH has started down that path and I would really worry about that.
I know how hard it is to talk about this but I think you really need to sit him down and talk about what is going on.