Feels like a chore

[carrottopper]

Been married 9 years, together 16. Happy in our relationship but just don't enjoy sex anymore. Hubby has always had a higher sex drive than me. I'm really not bothered at the moment. The horrible thing is, I just now pretend I'm into it, turn over and let him get on with it. This started in August. If I'm not up for sex twice a week, he gets stroppy and feels rejected. It feels like a chore to me. In August, I was actually due on my period the following day and we hadn't had it for 7 days so I just felt like I needed to get it out of the way. Sex is a big thing for him but with our two young children, it's not a big thing for me. I'm shattered and I feel like it's not a

I'm going to speak to hubby about it and I know he'll be upset/angry and question how I feel. It's not that I don't want to be with him, I'm just not bothered about sex and I'm starting to thing that this turning over and letting him get on with it is not healthy for either of us.

Anyone else been in this situation?

Being honest, would it both you if he got it elsewhere?

What is it you want from him...that you stop having sex?

He may be happy with that, but unlikely!

What tends to happen is sex stops and marriage goes downhill or the frustrated party cheats. Better to try and address the reasons why you don't feel like having sex as the loss of intimacy is impactive

Are you not enjoying sex because you feel it is something done to you, for DH's pleasure, rather than something which you both do, for mutual pleasure?

In my experience, plenty of women seem to want to leave all the work to the fella. When asked (by a partner who genuinely wants to please them) "What would you like?" they reply, rather pathetically, "I don't really know." This is a good way to suck all the passion out of sex.

Sex is a dealbreaker for me. If my wife said to me that she didn't want to bother any more, I'd absolutely end the marriage and go elsewhere. (Having said that, my wife resolutely limits us to sex once per week. This is the compromise.)

In my experience young kids takes a heavy toll on sex life. It should revive at least a bit as they get older. I think in the meanwhile the only solution to the problem of mismatched sex drive is an uneasy compromise.

My wife is also in take it or leave it camp. We prob only average twice/ month but can go whole month without, much to my disappointment.

But when we do have it, it's very good, partly because I know she's genuinely up for it and not skiing it to please me.

I think it's a bad idea for you to do it as your duty. You need to want to do it. Otherwise, long term you'll end up resenting sex which is a lousy position to arrive at.

Be clear that you're not rejecting him. But also be clear with him that he can't think pulling a strop is ok because he's not getting his end away.

Dur, skiing=doing

lovesmarties,

In my experience, plenty of women seem to want to leave all the work to the fella. When asked (by a partner who genuinely wants to please them) "What would you like?" they reply, rather pathetically, "I don't really know." This is a good way to suck all the passion out of sex.

Completely agree. It comes from the old idea that sex is something that men 'do to' women, and the solution is for the woman to be more active and involved and discover what she likes.

And OP yes I was in this situation and that was the solution. The alternative may be that your DH either suppresses his sex drive, cheats, or develops a huge porn habit.

In the past I've had to make up ideas about things I might want people to do because I had very rarely experienced any pleasure from sex. It was only when I had a virtuous circle of having some spare energy to explore, some spare money for a vibrator, some assertiveness to follow my own path and some passionately creative partners that things changed. Now I know what I want and can ask for it.

I had none of these things when I had young children. Tbh if you can just get on with it and keep sex going, i would. But try to look ahead and find slivers of time where you do exactly what youd like, and in my case this would have been something like dh rubbing my feet or brushing my hair. Ask for that sensual relaxation and connection every now and then.