I don’t like Blow Jobs

[Emmas1989]

My partner and I have been together for 3.5 years and been friends for more than 15. Our beautiful boy was born 14 months ago and before that we had a very active sex life. I had a very high sex drive enjoying sex at least once a day including oral sex on both sides which my partner was very happy with. Pregnancy sex was hit or miss, some weeks I wanted him over and over and others it was the furthest thing from my mind. Once our Son was born (it was a tough delivery) we waited the 6 weeks before having sex again and my partner was extremely caring and considerate of how I felt. It’s now more than 14 months since our Son was born and I have a big problem. Blow Jobs. Before pregnancy I used to enjoy giving them and seeing my partners enjoyment. I remember the first one I gave after birth and I cried afterwards, I felt so dirty and ashamed and disgusted with myself. Part of it felt like I’m a mother now, Mother’s don’t do that but I’m not old fashioned in the sex department, nor religious so have no reason behind this. I’ve given my partner blow jobs only a handful of times in this past year or so and each time I pretend I’m enjoying it but really I feel sick and just want it over with. My partner is wonderful and patient but doesn’t understand shown i can go from wanting sex everyday and being experimental and enjoying blow jobs to having little to no sex drive and wanting to keep it all vanilla. He works full time and I am a stay at home Mum but when I get into bed at night, I’m exhausted and just counting down how much sleep I can get before my Son wakes instead of wanting to make love to my partner. It doesn’t help either that I’ve put on a lot of weight and don’t feel sexy or want to try and feel sexy whilst being 5 stone overweight. Has anyone else experienced this before? How did you get through it?

I didn't experience this after birth so can't speak from experience. Our sex life returned gradually to normal. However, it may be a combination of motherhood and your self expectations of what that should be combined with hormones. It is possible that over time you will return to how you were before but not being pressured will help

Sounds like you need to work on you to feel sexy. I’m sure your weight gain is more apparent to you than him.

I hear you about climbing into bed and just trying to max out the hours for sleep. Sometimes you can just be touched out by the time you get into bed.
Be kind to yourself. Your partner obviously fancies the pants off you. Stop being so hard on yourself.

For the BJ. If you don't like it, don't do it. Leave it for the time being. The urge may come back but forcing yourself to do it when it makes you feel sick won't help.

Just adding my tuppence in. I lost my confidence after the kids were born. Then a friend recommended buying some pretty underwear. Not necessarily sexy get him into bed underwear. But pretty everyday bras etc. Seeing myself daily in that started a long journey of starting to see myself in a new light....

It’s a thing that happens to a lot of people. My wife has a stressful job and will often go to bed before 9pm on occasion and usually before 10pm most nights. She doesn’t get a chance to even think about sex and we have little time with a 3 and 5 year old to ourselves to be together as a couple. Talk to your partner and tell him why you feel like this. Depending on your situation it’ll either pass as the kids grow up or get worse. The key is to talk about it and try for understanding on both sides. It can sometimes be very difficult to talk about wants and needs, I find it very hard to articulate that part of my own needs are to feel wanted through intimacy without it seeming like I’m saying “give me sex”. I’m not sure my wife considers sex as anything other than PIV and on the rare occasion, that’s all we do. My wants and needs are seemingly inconsequential even after a few talks about just playing without full sex.

Sorry, that’s a bit rambling, keep talking, keep trying to find some space and time for both yourself and you as a couple. Be honest and respect the others opinion. Be open about wants and needs. Be aware it will often expose other areas outside of sex that may be problematic but work through them. Keep talking.

It sounds like there are few issues there that need unpicking. Your weight is one issue that is bothering you, is your partner complimentary? Are you trying to lose weight?

As for mothers not doing things like that, mothers do everything they want! You are still a woman, still sexual, still in love with your partner and wanting to please him right?

As for being knackered I completely understand, but you have to make time for a happy marriage and decent sex life, you need to prioritise it and consider it important, otherwise it fades away. If you love him and he is a decent bloke and isn't making you feel pressured, you could try just doing it for a minute or two as a warm up before sex and it will become a more normal part of sex.

You should never do anything in bed that you're not comfortable with. But I agree with some others here -- it does sound like you are experiencing some self-image problems that you should ask for help with. They are not your fault; please think about talking to a doctor.

I remember feeling very mumsy for the first 2 years of my son's life, quite happy to be. Then I came out of it and started to find me again, I put on about 2 st initially but then got back to pre baby weight and still there abouts now 15 years on. You might find you feel differently in a few months as you find yourself again. Meantime, be open with your DP about how you feel and perhaps try to work out some regular 'me time' once a week doing something other than being partner and mother.