Sexual confidence is at 0 and DH doesn't care

[keylovesAva]

Hi just need a little advice I suppose

DH have been together 5 years and now have two young children. I am beyond exhausted looking after a 3 year old and 10 month old. I am so tired I feel it in my bones. I understand that it's important to keep your husband happy sexually ontop of everything else I have to do but I'm really struggling.

My confidence is just gone, I'm working out to try and get back to my pre baby weight but it's a long slog. So I feel a bit gross about how I look at the moment. I do find him attractive and we do have a good relationship but I feel like we have to schedule sex in and tbh half the time I'd rather just lie there and cuddle and actually talk and connect.
My DH admits that he isn't the most emotionally compassionate person but I was hoping he would make more effort to kind of bear with me a bit.

Yesterday I tried to initiate when the DDs had finally gone to sleep and he wanted me to talk dirty and I just wasn't feeling that as that's something I've never really been confident about and he got annoyed at me and said I was a grown woman- got up left and slept in the spare room.
That hurt a bit as I was ready but if he doesn't get exactly what he wants he gets irritated. To be honest my main goal is to just break even and get some decent sleep these days. I do all night shifts even on weekends as he just never gets up and is a terrible sleeper in general. I've repeatedly asked for date nights as before the girls we were super social and spent loads of time together which I think helped my confidence and sex drive now it's like the opposite

The little digs about not being grown up is a bit upsetting, having kids has just changed my whole mindset a bit and view of myself.
I don't want to just lie there and take it, that just feels awful too.

Advice ?

if he doesn't get exactly what he wants he gets irritated

He needs to grow up and have respect for you and to help with childcare. You say its important to keep your husband sexually happy does he think it's important to keep you happy? I bet he doesn't.

And men wonder why they don't get more sex.

Tbh it sounds like relationship counselling would really help but a) who has the energy and b) would he even show up?

I would ask him what the hell happened with him when he insulted you. Then be quiet and see what answer he can come up with.

I would guess he was also knackered and unsure what to do but he is behaving so unhelpfully. I agree that spending more time together as a couple should be a priority but so should more sleep for you.

@Saltnpepper5 @TemporaryPermanent

I've mentioned counselling before when things were strained with DD1 but he just refused.

I just tried to bring up his insult again and it's turned into an argument.

He says if I can't be free (sexually) with my husband I have the problem.

I am floored.

I am incensed on your behalf!Honestly, you sound incredibly empathetic despite being exhausted (because he doesn't do anything!), and he's being an entitled prick.
He does not deserve sex with you just because he wants it!
And why shouldn't you be allowed to just cuddle and chat?

I'm sure your sex drive would come back if he wasn't such a selfish bully.

'if I can't be free with my husband I have the problem'

Well, you don't, do you? He has the problem, because you as a couple aren't having sex that he wants and you don't, because you're struggling to feel attracted to a guy acting like a complete dick. Irony!

This has huge potential to get better IF HE GROWS UP EVEN A TINY BIT.

I'm glad you had an argument. Can you go back and argue a bit more? Don't be squashed. Fight back.

I feel the same after having a kid, it does change what you want for yourself now and how you feel about yourself changes. I think you need to prioritise a date night and chat about it all properly to get it sorted out because I think it will just carry on more of the same otherwise.

He sounds like an utter dick OP. Its his job to keep you sexually happy too you know. It's not all about him, even though he quite clearly thinks it is. You must be exhausted and sex would be the last thing on my mind, especially having to go to bed with this bellend.

He sounds vile. No wonder you don’t fancy sex, I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me either

He is a child who throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his own way. Stop having sex with him. Tell him he either needs to change for there to be improvement in your relationship. He clearly doesn’t give a shit so why should you?