After Breast Cancer

[millstonegrit]

I had breast cancer a year ago, a mastectomy and then a reconstruction. Prior to this our sex life had almost ground to a halt but the night before the surgery I said I wanted to do the deed while I still felt attractive. It was the worst sex ever, no effort rolled on rolled off and did not seem bothered that I didn't cum.
Since then there has been no sex, I don't desire him after he did what I consider to be a shitty thing, and he hasn't been near me.
I am so frustrated sexually and the only thing stopping me having an affair in my scars. Not even sure why I'm posting or what I'm asking, just does this have to be the end of my sex life?

Ok seems like we just give up then!

Doesn’t need to be the end of your sex life. What do you want to happen? Do you want to reconnect with your husband? To split? To fuck other people?

I’m quite sure that men wouldn’t be put off by your scars anymore than they are put off by my mum tum and stretch marks. There are ways to get no strings sex if that is all you want...

I'm not usually one to post on the sex board, but having read your thread OP I couldn't read and run.

First off I hope all is ok with you, medical wise? A family member of mine went through similar and I understand how difficult a time it must have been for you.

Secondly... I hear the pain in your post. I don't know how old you are or how long you've been married, but for your husband to have behaved in the way he did is incomprehensible to me.

I think the thing with the big C is it affects people in different ways. How is your relationship generally, in terms of communicating? Are you able to engage openly with each other, about anything and everything? How did he deal with your diagnosis? Did you talk about how he'd feel after your surgery?

I'm certainly not defending him as the fact he didn't give a flying toss about your enjoyment (before major surgery, or not) speaks volumes, and I'm guessing this might have played a part in why your sex life had come to a halt previously.

As for being desired sexually...I get why you're frustrated but have you sat him down and told him how you actually feel?

This would be the best starting point I think to get things back on track.

My wife had a mastectomy and no reconstruction 6 years ago. Recovery has been tough with one side effect of the treatment being heart failure.
Our sex life was zero for a long long time. We cuddle every morning and occasionally did a bit of touching.
Recently it has been far better and we are both pleased.
The scars don't matter as she is still the person that I love.
I think love is what matters and you need to be sure of that.

I suspect that the night before surgery neither of you were in a good place.

Both of you worried, pre-occupied.

It does take time to get to a new normal. Diagnosis, surgery, post op treatment, recovery etc take their toll both physically and mentally. For both of you.

I went through the whole business of breast cancer with my former wife, so I have an idea of what a stony path you travel. There are so many conflicting emotions at play that you just have to talk frankly with each other.

We cannot know what our loved ones are thinking and going through unless they tell us, so sit down and express your fears over your physical attraction, tell your partner what you want from him, and why it matters to you.

Having physical scars is tough; having scars as a result of a potentially life-threatening disease is even worse. You have also had all the mental trauma of cancer too (as has your partner), so do not be too hard on yourselves, or each other.

Just communicate.

Best wishes.

You need to talk about what you want and how it makes you both feel.

I had stage 1 breast cancer last year and it took quite a while for my skin to heal after radiotherapy. DH and I talked. We cuddled. We're back to normal now and he doesn't mind my scar.

Of course it doesn't. But you both need to address your issues.

You feeling unattractive - I know exactly how you feel, still recovering from my mastectomy without recon weeks ago. Your boobs do not define you, get a tattoo, go to a photoshoot which will make you feel confident in the new you.

Talk to your dh. His actions may have seemed inconsiderate but as pp has said you were probably both distracted, anxious etc - not the ideal time for some quality one to one.

Talk talk and talk some more and remember to listen to each other. Cancer affects you deeply and those closest to you almost as much. He may be concerned about hurting you, bursting the recon, upsetting you if you are struggling with your own body image. You feel neglected and unattractive. It's a vicious circle.

Take it slowly and you'll find your way back. 7 weeks out, one boob left and my 3rd bat at cancer, remember it doesn't define you, it changes you but doesn't own you.

Gentle hugs xx