Talk to me about WAM

[wamwtf]

I'll try and keep this as brief as I can. NC for obvious reasons.

Recently I found out that my dp of five years has a thing for wam (wet and messy - think food, gunge, custard and so on). I found out because i found some emails between him and the 'agencies' that provide these type of services. Needless to say I was livid, not because of the nature of the fetish but because to me it was tantamount to emailing prostitutes. He went to his mums for the night and when he returned we spoke at length. He was very upset and apologetic. He explained that he'd had the kink for years and felt too ashamed to tell me because he thought I'd find it weird. As for the emails, he said he never has or would visit one of these places but he found it exciting messaging them. I still don't know if I believe that but there was no evidence of any visits in the emails - no arrangements made or anything, just information about the service.

I know for many the emails alone would be LTB territory but I have thought about it and am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's not what I'm here to ask about.

I'm trying to get a greater understanding of wam because frankly I don't get it. What does it say about him as a person? He's very professional and had a strict upbringing, could it be a form of escapism for him? What's so sexy about being covered in crap and made to look silly? And is it likely to be something he'd want me to take part in if I suggested it (I'm not against it per se but since he never told me about it I feel like he wants it separate from our relationship). If anyone has any experience or enjoys it themselves I'm interested to hear about it.

One last thing - in the emails I saw there was a lot of reference to it not being a sexual service as in no sexual contact between the client and the person gunging them up. So what on earth is the point?! Obviously it would evoke some sort of reaction in the person taking part or they wouldn't do it :/

I know this will sound like a joke to people but i do really love this man and am still reeling from finding this out. I have nothing against a harmless fetish but I don't like the secrecy. Anyone shed some light..,

It's really difficult to get your head around other people's kinks and fantasies if they are things that do literally nothing for you. So I think you should be proud of yourself for trying to understand and not automatically running screaming for the hills.

It's not a fetish that I know anything about personally as long as he's not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal then if it was me, I would just let it go. Maybe you could look into it more (Fetlife might be a good place to start) and see if it's something you might consider doing with him but don't let yourself be pressured (not that you've given any indication in your OP that he would). These things only work if both people are 100% into it.

My H and I are pretty kinky and he confessed one of his fantasies to me this weekend which was pretty wild. I'm getting my head around it now and am now less shocked than I was 48 hours ago when he told me. The point I'm trying to make is, give yourself time.

Thank you @NormaLouiseBates - I think this is why I'm trying to learn a bit more about it and why people enjoy it. I'm open minded and would never judge my dp so I feel disappointed that he wasn't able to talk to me about it but at the same time I understand that people do need their privacy too. What I won't stand for is him engaging in it with others - even if it is just sending emails.

He isn't being very open about talking about it at the minute which could be down to embarrassment or just the fact that he doesn't want to involve me in it.

Try not to take it personally. He's probably embarrassed or didn't know how you'd react. It's a big deal sharing your kinks with someone who has no idea that you felt like that. It's took my H 15 years to share with me the fantasy he told me about at the weekend and we're both already pretty kinky!

I agree you need total honesty with each other. He can't engage with other people and expect you to put up with that. You need to have a frank and honest conversation with him. Maybe crack open a bottle of wine to help with the nerves and ask him to explain to you how it makes him feel and would he looking for you to become involved?

I think I also take it personally because our sex life isn't great or regular and now this has come to light it seems that maybe sex with me doesn't do it for him in the same way as his kink. I don't suspect he will contact any of these agencies again and if he did that would be it for us. But it still hurts.

I think I will let it lie for a while and then crack open that wine as you suggest. Just need to understand a bit more about what I'm dealing with.

It's natural to feel like you are, so don't be too hard on yourself. I've just had a quick look on Fetlife and there are several groups dedicated to it so he's definitely not alone. I won't link to them as some of the more delicate MNers might have a fit lol but if you go on there, click on 'groups' and type in the term you're looking for. Do keep an open mind

My boyfriend is into WAM too. Its not my kink (though I do have plenty of those, some of which he shares, some not!) but we indulge each other in them. I was a bit nervous the first time we got 'messy' but actually it was super fun and a massive turn on for me to see him so excited.

I think you're ace for trying to accept this. Don't do anything you feel uncomfortable with, but at the same time don't dismiss it out of hand. I hope everything works out for you

It's not something that does it for me but I am open minded. I would give it a go if it made him happy and if I hated it then I wouldn't do it again. But at this stage we are in an awkward position as I don't even know if he'd want to involve me. Lots of people don't like their fantasies and real life to mix. We need to talk I guess

I think at 5 years you should be able to discuss and work it out with him. I wouldn't like if my DH had a kink that was separate to our sex life. If I was ok with it, then it would have to be part of what we do together.

Have to say though not really come across WAM!

@MarieG10 Even after five years I still feel very out of my depth with this. I can talk to him about most things but this just feels ridiculously personal and embarrassing. I'm still reeling from the shock of it and it's awkward because he clearly wanted to keep it from me.

I can see and understand how you feel. My DP told me as soon as he felt we were likely to get serious which made it easier and also he says it gave me the choice to walk away before I was properly entangled in the relationship. I'm just as kinky though so if anything I was overjoyed to find my match. That said, it's perfectly OK to be overhwhelmed and shocked. Just keep the communication open and be honest in a kind way with him.

It must hurt that he's kept it from you but look at it this way - he was scared. Most likely of losing you. People often behave in a less than ideal fashion when they are scared and its definitely not a slight against you.

Hope you find a way to talk to him soon.