Question for ladies

[TheOneIssue]

My wife has low libido, a d says she's always so caught up with everything else that she doesn't have time to think of sex. At night she's always very tired (and I believe her). I asked her many times what I can do to spark her interest and the one thing that comes out again and again is to be more playful and fun, not to always discuss the to-dos, I guess. I took her out on dates but we end up going for dinner and we still talk kids and family, etc. If I suggest something else for dates, like an activity, or a cooking class, she says it's too much trouble.
My question is how can I be more emotionally playful?? I honestly don't know. I don't think it's about going somewhere, it's about creating a more fun environment and attitude when I am with her. It sounds like such a dumb question, but maybe I have forgotten how to be playful. Any suggestions from ladies about what they'd like would be great.
Thank you all

Speaking for me, foreplay isn’t for just before sex, it’s the all day lead up with subltle affection, joking around, compliments, favours etc. Anything that makes me feel emotionally closer to my partner will make me more likely to want sex with him when the opportunity presents itself. I would make that the focus helping your wife to feel emotionally connected to you.

Thank you, I hear you, but I am having trouble with the specifics of what to do. Any examples from personal experience would really help

So, for example, I would say lots of non-sexual touching can help people feel closer. Compliment her often - not just her physical appearance but other things you notice about her or appreciate her for. People like to feel special, important, unique, noticeable and desirable. Laughing together is massively important but this entirely depends on your respective sense of humour but try to find things to laugh about. Make sure you are pulling your weight in the relationship in terms of domestic chores, childcare, equal time off - but also that you take your fair share of the mental load which means taking initiative and not expecting to be told what to do (hopefully you’re doing all this anyway but I think men underestimate what a toll this takes on women especially).

Above all, be genuine in doing these things. Your aim is to feel emotionally closer not just sex and she will be able to tell straight away if you have an ulterior motive. Aim long term too - it may takes weeks or months for her to feel closer to you and remove the pressure from both of you in the mean time.

Are you my wife? Just kidding:) Thank you, yes it is all genuine. I genuinely want to make her happy and want to make her want me. Touch I do, housework I do. The laughing is probably missing.

I’m not your wife unfortunately as I have the opposite problem - single and crazy high sex drive

It sounds like progress if you’ve managed to narrow the problem down to lack of laughter in your marriage. Although that’s probably harder for a stranger to advise on. Maybe smoke a joint together?

Funny you mention that! I tried it, repeatedly and I must have a brain made of stone as it did absolutely nothing. It's probably not just laughter, though, it's too simplistic. Low libido is a complex issue that nobody really has an answer for, but one cannot just give up. Serious talk about it only makes it worse, so I got to actually listen snd see what I can do to address what she tells me.

Single - What's the issue these days, with tinder and the likes? I have not been single from before tinder was around, but I imagine as a single lady you'd have as much trouble in finding a man for sex as you have in putting a deliveroo order!

Ah, that’s unfortunate. I agree completely that it’s a complex subject but it sounds like your wife is open to communicating about it so that’s positive. It’s difficult to advise based on a short post but reading between the lines, when your wife says she wants you to be more ‘fun’, I’d say she’s not feeling connected to you sufficiently. Could you try a little spontaneity? You mention you’ve suggested doing activities together but she’s saying it’s too much trouble - go ahead and arrange it yourself, including any logistics.

I’ve posted about my problem but in a nutshell, I’m a lone parent with no access to childcare and I think it’s too risky to bring back random men to my home. But my sex drive has gone off the scale the last few months and I feel like I’m going crazy

Omg, you're using the same vocabulary as her! Connected. What does that actually mean? How do you get connected? Surely not by talking care of all the chores, but what? I'm craving for her to have some initiative in this direction. Anything to see that I am not the only one always trying. It's like I'm spinning my wheels all the time and it's humiliating, tbh. Why am I the one on here posting, asking, reading 1000 posts about sexless marriage, buying books about the issue and instigating that we read it together - why isn't she the one doing that? She was gone several weeks, now she is back - first week back was period, so ok, I understand. Second week was "I feel disappointed in people, friends, and can't seem to get myself out of the sad mood". And so it is that it's come to nothing since Aug 8. I don't think she's disingenuous, but it is so demeaning to keep asking "what can I do for you so you want me more?" It's like a lost puppy, when in fact, my fantasies are completely the opposite; dominant, unequivocal, straight and honest.
Aaargh,

Second week was "I feel disappointed in people, friends, and can't seem to get myself out of the sad mood".

This reads like a woman that is showing signs of being depressed/low mood.

Have you asked who/what has specifically disappointed her?

The reasons people give for not wanting sex are not always the reasons people don’t want sex. And by that I don’t mean they are lying - some of them are - no, I mean they don’t know themselves. Now if those people just outright said they didn’t know, that would be more helpful than giving an off-the-shelf response like “kids”, “tired”, “more dates”, “more help with the housework” because giving you a false reason just sends you off on a wild goose chase, burning your time and emotional energy with no return. You really have to isolate the REAL reason. I’m not saying she hasn’t given you the real reason, just make sure you 100% believe it is the real reason before you accept it.

The next thing I’d say is: stop being a pussy. It’s lovely that you care about your wife and the intimate bond in your relationship and you wanting her to be happy and fulfilled yadda yadda, but seriously - get your inner game together. See yourself as someone worthy of a great sex life. Forget bringing Mohammed to the mountain. Tell the mountain to get off her arse and come to you. She will lose all erotic attraction to you if you don’t act like she either sorts this out or she’s driving the relationship over a cliff. Go out with your mates in the evenings and if she complains tell her she wasn’t presenting much of a better offer.
You both need a wake up call because you can’t carry on like this and expect things will change for the better. That’s like jumping of a building and repeating to yourself: “so far, so good”.

Oh and if it’s laughter she’s missing, take her to a comedy club. If she doesn’t bang your brains out afterwards, you’ll know that’s not the reason.

Op, from your last post it sounds like your wife maybe suffering from depression, however, I wondered how old she was? Is she late 40's +? Asking as these are very common symptoms of pre/peri/menopause, especially the low libido but also it affects your mental health quite a bit too.
Either way I also think she would benefit from seeing a gp.

I would say if you just show her that you love her the full day kissing her randomly, cuddles etc I'm always more in the mood if my partner has been extra loving throughout the day

@TheOneIssue

Why am I the one on here posting, asking, reading 1000 posts about sexless marriage, buying books about the issue and instigating that we read it together - why isn't she the one doing that?
I guess because this issue is more important to you than it is to her right now. Sometimes relationship issues go like that, otherwise they wouldn’t be issues.

You say you don’t have an ulterior motive (getting more sex) in wanting to address what your wife has highlighted as her reasons for not wanting more sex (ie feeling more connected) but I think your last post shows that isn’t the case. That’s not a criticism by the way. Speaking as someone who is also going through a phase of sexual frustration, I know what it does to you! The thing is, your wife will be picking up on this too I suspect. When women feel under pressure to have sex when they’re not in the mood, it is such a turnoff - you feel like it’s just another chore or task You’re required to perform.

For sex to be meaningful for me, there has to be another level other than purely physical (I can get that from masturbating). This is where connection comes in. I think that connection can take many forms but essentially, it is mutual feelings of trust, respect, affection and being cared for that instills a sense of closeness to ones partner. Your wife doesn’t want to feel like your wank sock, she wants to feel like your partner. She is telling you that you need to meet her needs for ‘closeness’. Are you willing to listen? These are just guesses based on my personal experience, it could be a miriad of different reasons that your wife may know or may not understand herself. The only way you can find out is by finding a way of honestly communicating about it.

Something you could start with is ascertaining your respective ‘love languages’ (shit name but google it). Do the quiz at the same time as it will give you an opportunity to talk about things plus an insight into how your wife likes to both show and receive love. Otherwise, don’t focus solely on the lack of sex as this is merely a symptom of the bigger issue which is your respective satisfaction in the marriage.

Good luck.

Sounds like there is more to this than just a lack of libido, could it be that your wife just doesn't like you very much in that way? Did she appear to miss you at all while she was away for weeks? Are you happy with each other apart from sex as it's bound not to happen if there are other issues

I suppose I too wonder if she likes me very much. How can you not? She was with the kids the entire period, always very busy, so I can't quite tell she didn't miss me much or she was just very engaged with other things. But to come back after such a long period and not to make sex somewhat of a priority is simply not normal for me in a marriage.

@Jabbercocky
Honestly, thank you for that. I think you are at least somewhat right. In general she reassures me that she loves me, and she doesn't want me to be more dominant or assertive, yet as you say, and as patronising as that may sound, perhaps she doesn't really know why she feels the way she does or why she doesn't feel attracted to me sexually; she has never said that, btw.
In principle, it sounds great, to set yourself straight and exude the confidence that you are deserving of a great sex life. In practice what does that mean? Show you don't need it? How does going out with the mates and then being mean about it do anything for the relationship, other than take a stab at her? The things you suggest are more practical without kids. I go out and come home late, it means the kids are collateral damage.
In any case, it felt crappy to hear you tell me not to be a pussy, but it's the kind of honest perspective that I am after. Can you be more specific though? It means , ultimately taking the stance that if there is no sex, I'll divorce. Been down that rout, told her I don't know if I can stand it for things to continue the way they are, and that I may bot want to be married after all. Needless to say, I'm the mean one: "how can you put that ahead of kids. You don't love me unconditionally, that is so hurtful "

Can I get a female perspective on that? How would you react if your husband told you that?

When I found myself on a not dissimilar situation, I did what you did: I jumped through the hoops she told me would solve the situation. I helped out, I made space for her to have ‘me time’, I arranged dates, I showed gentle affection, I waited for her work stress to settle down - but as I ticked each box another box would appear, another new reason sprung up and nothing changed. That’s why I know the reasons people give are not always the reasons. I found myself in a race where the finish line never got any nearer no matter how far or how fast I ran. And do you know what? It destroyed me from the inside. A death by a thousand rejections. So I stopped running. I stopped holding her hand or complementing her. I switched to the other sofa at night. I made sure it was my back that was turned in bed because intimacy is supposed to be a two way street and I started to realise that the non-sexual contact, the cuddles, kiss on the cheek, the hand holding - it actually made things worse because it acted as methadone and allowed her to kid herself that we were normal. The once-in-a-blue-moon duty sex I decided she could keep. I checked out. When she would step naked out of the shower I would turn away. I taught myself to not want her anymore. Not want her so much at any rate. I pursued my own interests, spent time with my friends and basically regarded myself as single.

The result. Eventually she cracked. She confronted me. It took months but she eventually said “I know you’re only here for the kids”. I told her she was right and I told her she was 100% responsible for that. I told her she had made my life a heartbreaking sham.

One month later she booked a series of appointments with a local sex therapist. She continued to attend for over a year. Turns out she has some issues with sex and intimacy and openness in general. Has it resulted in a happy ever after? No. Years of rejection leave you hollowed out and no amount of sex will fill that void but it has shifted my mindset from thinking “there must be something wrong with me” to both of us knowing that there is something wrong with her. Something she should have fixed long before it got to the stage it did because once you check out, you never fully check back in, and for causing that I cannot ever forgive her.

A female perspective on being given a more sex or I leave ultimatum:
If I wanted them to stay, I might give them more sex. It would be dutiful sex though and unsustainable for longer than a few weeks.
Or, if I wasn’t satisfied in the relationship it would be my way out.
In any event, why are you asking us how we would react to that kind of ultimatum when you know how your wife responded when you tried it? You should never give an ultimatum unless you are serious about following through with it.

I’m going to be really blunt here, you come across strongly in your posts like so many men who just want other women to tell them how to locate and activate the ‘have sex’ button on your wife. You are looking for easy answers to what is almost certainly a complex issue. Maybe you need to ask yourself if you can’t be bothered to put the work in, do YOU really want to be in this marriage?

@CrazyMaking
I'd say that I have put in quite a bit of work. How much more can I put in if it's been like this for 8-9 years. Some of those can be excused because of kids and other real issues, like various peri-menopause issues such as pain after intercourse. What really gets to me is not those periods when she really tried, but the lack of initiative, the lack of prioritising it as an issue.

I wanted a female perspective on the other poster's approach because I wanted to know if it is real. Not so much the ultimatum, but the "not being a pussy" and stopping trying to be "too nice". Does that figure into NOT wanting someone because there is no tension, no sense of respect for the man, because he is too weak?

My ultimatum to her was not really a ultimatum, I just tried to explain that the pain of rejection is so big that I don't know how ling I can stand it for. The pain is very valid snd very real. She seemed to understand, to get me, but alas, we are back.

I think respect plays a big part. I think you can definitely be too nice. I don’t mean that you should be unkind but I sometimes find I get irritated with questions like “how can I make things better for you” etc. Things are better if I feel like we are a partnership rather than he is an extra child. I fell in love with my husband because he was a driven individual who had loads of hobbies and knew what he wanted out of life. Things change as family life evolves but it’s definitely appealing to see glimpses of my husband as he was in the early days. I also find the more he asks me what I want the more self centred I become. I need to remind myself that I am not the centre of the universe and he is equally important in our relationship. Not sure if that is helpful or not. But that’s how I feel in my relationship sometimes.

@TheOneIssue to be honest, if she has low libido, I'm not sure that any amount of being emotionally playful, whilst nice will make a difference. Either she is tired etc or there is another reason, perhaps hormonal or how she views you

So if she is perimenopausal and had pain during sex, that could be reason enough to put her off. There are hormonal moisturiser that can help with the effects of menopause. Do you have the kind of relationship where can comfortably discuss physical issues with each other? Supporting her to see her GP might be the thing to do.

I dont think sex always dies in long relationships but I think it often does. It's just hard to maintain.

I can tell you that my sexual self esteem was so low in my marriages that my husband behaving like Jabbercocky would only have been confirming what I felt - that I was fundamentally undesirable and broken. Looks like it didn't improve his relationship either, though it perhaps made him feel better in a way.

I felt that my husbands were only still with me because they felt they should keep their vows for their own self esteem. I was obese in both marriages, partly because my husbands were both so possessive that it was easier not to get male attention (I didn't get much anyway before I hit my late 40s). My husband once told me I was too loose for him to feel much after childbirth. I have no idea if he remembered saying that but it utterly crushed me for a decade - it was all I could think about when we had sex. I squeezed my muscles so hard that a physio told me my pelvic floor was in spasm. They never complimented me as a sexual person, never told me my pussy was gorgeous or gasped when I took my bra off. And yes, I did those things for them, visibly showed arousal, touched them in a sexual way, complimented them sexually. I thought my tits were pretty awful and my genitals were ugly. I wouldn't let my husbands lick me or rub my clit much because I didn't know how to come and it all took too long.

I was on hormonal contraceptives which killed my libido stone dead. I worked full time and was the primary parent.

Ultimately, if the relationship isn't working, the sex wont work. Sometimes sex wont work but the relationship will. However , I would start with couples counselling.