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Original poster

Open marriage

21 replies

thecatsarecrazy · 09/09/2019 15:35

Has anyone tried it and how did it work?
My husband and I are in the early stages of it but not done anything yet. I attempted to meet someone last week and it was a disaster

OP posts:

TooTrueToBeGood · 09/09/2019 20:22

Are you both equally enthusiastic about this or is one much more so and the other is going along hoping they can learn to live with it? I'm sure some couples can thrive on it but if there is any uncertainty you need to appreciate that some genies can't be put back in the bottle.

Namechanged1010 · 10/09/2019 12:50

@thecatsarecrazy I will comment to out some perspective although I haven't had an open marriage and to be honest I just think they would be incredibly difficult for a number of reasons.

Before I met my DH I went in holiday with then DP and another couple. We had a villa on a Greek island. Great time, all of us attractive and good looking. One afternoon, boozy lunch and ended up playing cards like strip poker. We needed up in one room having a foursome. I could never imagine doing it before but things just went along and it happened. Obviously won't do the full details but we swopped partners with the other two watching and then joining in. Totally wild really and included the other woman helping whilst her bf was having me.

Why is this relevant. Even then, whilst I admit it was extremely erotic and good fun, I still had some pangs seeing my bf penetrate another woman as well as seeing her giving him a BJ. Not enough pangs to ruin it, but I am pretty sure I couldn't cope with seeing my DH do that. Whilst with an open marriage you don't see it, I'm sure all you will have in your head is your DH laying with another woman.

Another aspect if I think it s difficult for women to separate sex and feelings

Why are you seeing an open relationship? Is there exceptional reasons as to why?

I do think you really need to think it through and is it worth the risk?

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 10/09/2019 14:21

To be honest it started because my husband was always looking and last year I had an emotional affair. We sat down and had a chat about it and said instead of sneaking about why don't we look into an open marriage. We both still love each other and didn't want to split up the family. I've had a few offers he hadn't had any. I got swept up in it all and met the 1st person I got talking to. It was a huge mistake he wasn't right started talking like we were a couple and wanted me to go back to his instead hours away. He ended up storming off and I blocked him on everything.

OP posts:

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 10/09/2019 14:22

Meant to say go back to his instead of in the middle as agreed.

OP posts:

Otterhound · 10/09/2019 15:08

You are likely to get 10 times as many offers as him. That would be something to watch incase he gets jealous that he isn't keeping up....

Rooftop99 · 10/09/2019 15:19

“I got swept up in it all”

Therein lies the problem.

Women’s emotions are different on the whole.

If it is just sex you want then why not try a swinging club or something or use sites like fabswingers (not everyone is a swinger but it has plenty of willing men on there!) why not explore it together?

If you want full on romance etc then it’s probably not for you.

Cuddlysnowleopard · 10/09/2019 16:33

I've been in almost exactly the same position as you. In our case, we theoretically agreed to a open marriage but, whilst it has been a lot of fun to talk and think about it, nothing has actually happened.

I know he likes a friend of ours, and enjoys flirting with her, but I don't think it will go anywhere. I have a massive crush on someone, and it is exciting to think that I could take it further but, again, the reality is it is probably fantasy.

I just like fact we can talk about it openly.

noego · 11/09/2019 12:17

a, you need to be psychologically free of concepts relating to what society calls "normal"
b, research Relationship Anarchy. It may help.

AllOrNothin · 12/09/2019 15:51

I'm in an open relationship for over 15 years and it works for us. Although if I could make monogamy work for myself I'd go for that instead - much simpler path in life. We've not been actively involved with other people all the time, it's more about freedom to do so if you wish. To think that a hallpass will suddenly open the floodgates of willing and suitable partners is naive. Finding a secondary partner within the limitations of what a secondary relationship can allow is arguably harder than finding the first, primary partner.

I'd say that women have an unfair advantage in open marriages. It's much easier to find a man on the side for a married woman than it is the other way around.

Despite all the complexities that open relationship can bring, it's also very exciting and liberating. If you don't have to lie about sex, you don't have to lie about anything!

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 25/09/2019 08:35

Update.. I slept with someone on Saturday night. It wasn't great but we did it twice. Now I feel like shit because he's not talking to me after weeks of talking. I made a huge mistake getting so close. What an absolute head fuck

OP posts:

AllOrNothin · 25/09/2019 12:59

Who's not talking?

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 25/09/2019 17:03

I spoke to the guy I met for weeks before meeting. I know that was a mistake now. We dtd over the weekend and now he's not talking. I know this was likely to happen but I feel awful.

OP posts:

Namechanged1010 · 25/09/2019 17:36

Importantly how does your DH feel now you have slept with another man?

AloneLonelyLoner · 25/09/2019 18:47

Why does it matter that he isn't talking now? Was it not just a shag? I'm a little confused.

AllOrNothin · 25/09/2019 19:13

Well it's better than your DH not talking!
If sex wasn't great maybe he didn't like it either? Learn from it and move on...

Otterhound · 25/09/2019 21:17

Sorry OP but it sounds like you dont so much want an open relationship as an out from your marriage

As far as he was concerned you are a married woman who wanted a shag. Job done and he doesn't want to see you again.

I honestly dont think you are cut out for this type of lifestyle -

Original poster

thecatsarecrazy · 25/09/2019 22:36

Yes thank you for telling me what I already know .
I don't want an out from my marriage at all. Its my first time and I've found it hard that's all. We shouldn't have spoken for weeks before and got over friendly.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 26/09/2019 02:00

Open marriages are quite weird really. I guess it works for some people,but these people don't usually value. in the true sense of the word, a genuine proper marriage.

Some people who say that they wan't an open marriage.are obviously not happy with their partner, and if the two partners wan't an open marriage, its doubly that things are not so good at home.. and if it's one,or both who want to have sex else where,and then go home again, well job done, and then what.

bakesalesally · 26/09/2019 02:30

Don't be too hard on yourself. I would be hurt, I think anyone would.

MarieG10 · 26/09/2019 10:41

@thecatsarecrazy So have you discussed with your DH and how is he about it?

PowerToTheMeeple · 05/10/2019 20:38

@thecatsarecrazy please don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s a learning curve. My DH and I are currently experimenting with an open marriage, though I’m the only one seeing others at the moment. He is full permission but 1) has body confidence issues and 2) it’s much easier for females than it is males.

It’s hard not to get close. I like to talk to someone and get to know them before I even think about sharing my body with them. We’ve been doing this since January and I’ve had sex with three different men. Man number one was kind of exactly what I wanted out of the experience, but I found out afterwards he was married which made me feel like shit and I’m more untrusting as a result. Man number two I ended up getting close to, so much so I called time earlier this year on us being anything other than friends. We didn’t speak for a while but have recently begun seeing each other again. It’s a very fine balance to not get too involved. Man number three was a complete waste of time and someone I had sex with on impulse..it really wasn’t worth it!

I think you need to try work out what you exactly want from this. For me it’s important I get to know someone before going further. Man number two fits the bill of what I want, but I’m careful to not get too close. It’s hard to find someone who wants a regular thing, which I think may be something you’re looking for going off the not hearing from the person you’ve slept with?

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