Do people really split up over sex?

[ElleDriver]

I keep seeing threads on here about women who are in relationships where sex drives are mismatched. It interests me because I'm in the same boat. There are often many posters who insist that the op will never be fulfilled in a relationship where sex is lacking and lots of encouragement to get rid and move on to someone more like minded in a sexual sense.

Do people really do this? I mean if your relationship was otherwise great and you were with a good person who you were happy with, could you really walk away from that just because sex wasn't as often as you'd like? I get that there are often a lot more factors - self confidence becomes damaged and resentment creeps in. I am feeling pretty low and frustrated about my situation (dp claims low libido but I'm pretty sure he has sexual kinks and vanilla sex with me just doesn't do it for him). It makes me feel rubbish tbh. But I can't imagine ending our whole relationship over it as we've built a lovely life together and my ds adores him.

Just wondered if there are people who have managed to see past mismatched sex drives and been able to find a good compromise and still be happy?

I think sex drive mismatch is extremely common and in decent long term relationships it is about finding a compromise. Rejection of sex is I have read a most effective way of ending a struggling relationship.

My ex definitely left after 30 years together because of mismatched sex drives. I was the one with the low (non-existent) sex drive. I was sad when he left and missed him but didn't blame him.

I’m reading this and it’s really frightens me. I love my husband dearly but at the moment I’ve got absolutely no sex drive. I’m exhausted, we have 2 small children and I work 3 days a week.
I desperately want to want sex but I’ve just got no libido at the moment. Every day I wake up and think I will do better today and I never do.

I used to have a decent sex drive and I met someone with a really low sex drive and I’ve been the person rejected and it makes you feel shitty. The thought of my husband being that person breaks my heart.

I’m sat here in tears reading these posts because I’m so worried about the slippery slope of no sex drive

I would leave DH without a doubt ....

I adore him, we work together, been together 20 years, kids etc.... but if went off sex with me I know I could never handle the rejection ....

If he was ill obviously that would be different, but if his sex drive reduced abd he didn’t do anything about it I would leave.... I’m sorry if that sounds shallow but to me, sex is the essence of a relationship.

I have dinner with my friends, I go shopping with my mum I go to the pub with my book group m, I walk my dogs with other dog owners ...... but I only have sex with my husband ... I have always lacked confidence and self surety ( although most people think I’m an extrovert), so I know that inside my head, I would never be able to accept that it was to do with him ( lack of libido) and not me ( being unattractive to him).

I have known quite a lot of people who have ended a marriage,or partnership,because of a non sex life. But mostly you never know how this has come to be, so all sorts of reasons I assume. But also know people,who just don't indulge anymore. but stay happily together.

Even people who are mismatched sexually,sometimes stay together, and other mismatched people may stray away elsewhere..

There are a lot of women on here,who seemingly have fantastic sex lives, and lots who don't. which will make them feel envious I suppose.But there are all sorts of reasons and situations,why sex and closeness go all to pot. A magic formula is needed, but there isn't one ha ha .

I'd say it's not just about lack of sex, it's about lack of physical closeness, lack of a bond. Lack of these things then make you house mates.
Resentment and depression then come into the mix as the one with the higher sex drive feels resentful, depressed, unwanted and questions everything that has gone before. Did he ever find me attractive? Did I just tick the boxes for him to have a family with?
Unless you can talk about these things, I'd say the relationship is doomed or destined to be at risk for an affair.

Life is too short for no sex, shit sex and lack of the intimacy that sexual connection instils.

@Pickitup

You've just hit a big rusty nail on the head there for me.

Sadly it's a subject very close to home for me. I've really struggled this year with my mental health and I have realised some of it is to do with how my partner made me feel by his lack of sex drive and how much I needed closeness. Some of it probably unwittingly and in turn it made me worthless, resentful and very sad. I stopped wanting to spend time with him and totally checked out of the relationship.
We didn't have a great relationship before and it couldn't survive as it was.

@Pickitup

I’ll second Thismummyruns comment from a male point of view.
You hit the nail on the head, I was there and now we are separated....

"dp claims low libido but I'm pretty sure he has sexual kinks and vanilla sex with me just doesn't do it for him"

If he has a decent libido, then he should be happy for any kind of genital stimulation with a woman he's attracted to, even if its not quite the stimulation he would prefer. He probably simply has a low libido (and if you catch him looking at porn, he probably still has a low libido, its just porn is easier than actual in that case).

But you sound like you really don't know, as if he's reluctant or embarrassed to talk about it. The only way libido mismatches like this can be resolved though is with talking, lots and lots of talking.

Oh, what a sad thread! I'm sorry you're in this situation,OP; mine is similar, in that I've had no contact with my husband for 7 years+.

While I care for DH, and we run along well on a day-to-day basis, the only reason I didn't leave years ago is DD. She only gets one childhood, and I want to make sure it's a stable on spent with both parents.

Some years ago, I did get sex on the side. I can't deny it was fun, but ultimately it wasn't a solution. Now I feel ashamed of my behaviour and am determined it won't happen again.

It's hard to keep going without sex. I'd be interested to know what other people in similar situations do to cope?

Ps. Banquo, you sound like a good man.

Why wasnt it a solution @Rocaille? Could anyone really blame you?

My husband is the one not wanting sex with me and it’s making me feel really rejected . 5 times now in 4 years . I’m mod forties . Am I ugly ? Disgusting ? Has he had someone else and now I just don’t do it for him ? Did go wrong after I was pregnant and he just doesn’t relate Sex with me ? Am I Really that repulsive ? I’ve tried talking . I miss cuddling touching holding hugging just being close and feeling loved and special for those moments together

Because I am by nature a monogamist. I began to feel I was living a double life (yes, massive cliche). It was as though the sexual part of me had been split off into this really wild alter ego, which had no points of contact with the more humdrum everyday me.

I had affairs with two different men, both of whom were married with children. Both of them have subsequently divorced their wives and live apart from their children. While neither of them left their marriage for me, I clearly played a part that was destructive to the well-being of all. That'll be on my conscience for the rest of my life.

I think a life partner should be chosen on a sexual attraction basis and compatible libido’s. You can work with the rest. I think too many people settle and this is where the problem kicks in. The signs are often there in the dating stage but people choose to ignore them.

@Popcornfan2

Isn't it a shame that no-one tells you that before you get married? :(

We're so straight-laced in this country - and sex ed is a joke - that nobody wants to mention the 'S' word as in any way being essential to life-long pleasure with the partner you choose.

I always kept my sex drive and my relationships separate, I liked being a partner but didn't feel like I could open up about sex much, it wasn't satisfying but I did it. Both my key relationships ended for other reasons but it's only when I met a FWB who was completely free about sex that I really learnt about myself, and this was in my 40s. I'm sure now that in my next relationship, I want someone to have that crazy desire for me as part of my overall relationship. If OP hasn't got that drive, then maybe have a think whether it's you or whether it's the person you are with being incompatible to you.

One big issue us that you can have quite a few years with very matched libidos and then life stuff happens and you don't feel quite the same. You still care , still think they are attractive , but something in your brain with regards to sex or romance fades and can be very hard to get back even if you don't want to actually split. . Can be lots of reasons, affairs (emotional or physical) , financial shenanigans, addictions (porn, drugs, gambling etc) Love and sexual attraction can be a fragile thing and it's easily broken by piss poor behaviour for some people. (I think women find it easier to lose it in a jiffy if it's behaviour related) . The unfortunate thing then is 'if' you don't split, the other person can often expect everything to be as before whereas it's not alwYs quite that simple.

getting on day to day and being compatible is more important and feeling loved. Good sex is really just a bonus.

Most people have sex to come wouldn’t matter who with sex plays too big a part. If your relationship can’t survive without sex you have nothing. Sex for most is a need to come not an expression of love

Lack of sex,can definitely kill a marriage, despite ,seemingly,that you have the best marriage ever, and have , to all around, the best of everything in life.. Nothing really matters,if you are married or in partnerships,than being in love, and having great itimacy.. So say I, who failed miserably ha ha.

I think In practice if you are in a relationship where the sex ends, and one of you isn’t happy, the idea of living the rest of your life with little or no sex probably seems like a high price to pay to be with someone. An affair is the obvious go too and an easy and exciting thing to fall into. So in many cases probably better to either discuss an open marriage, or leave respectfully before cheating and lying is a thing.