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Sex

Looking for advice

3 replies

lovesmarties · 28/08/2019 15:26

Hi all,

Am mid-forties male, looking for advice on sex life with wife whom I utterly worship.

We have been together two decades, married half of this, two dc (both under 9). When we got together she was 19, I was 26. We both had quite a few sexual partners before we met (I was her tenth, she was my fifteenth; she lost her virginity at 14, me at 18). With me at least, she has always been what I call 'vanilla' in terms of sex. Will blow me, and in early days even insisted I come in her mouth (definitely a no-go after I told her this wasn't something she should do if she didn't want to do it!!). Has always absolutely refused to let me go down on her. Has never let me bring her to orgasm with fingers, and claims never to have orgasmed except through self-stimulation. Now will not even let me touch her there! Insists on lights-off during sex, wears nighty or vest, will not consider anything like stockings or dildos, and recently seemed to be trying to stop me uncovering or touching her boobs during sex (she is very busty, and I am definitely a 'boob-man').

For some years even before children came along, sex was becoming an issue - she started to tell me she had never had much of a sex drive, so we might go a couple of weeks or more without it. I am highly sexed and would happily dtd every night, so this was absolute torture. At one point I told her that we couldn't go on like this, and that we'd have to separate if she didn't make more of an effort. We now have sex every Saturday night: I rub her back at her request, she blows me for a few mins, then we do missionary for 10 mins, and then she'll either ask me to go behind her or she'll go on top. Usually she comes on her back during piv sex, with her bringing herself off. Then I come. Over in 20-30 mins or so. This is all 'scripted' by her. If I try anything more adventurous, she almost always shoots me down.

I have, perhaps naively, assumed over the years that she'd loosen up a bit. My previous sexual partners seemed much more relaxed and enjoyed sex much more as a result.

What troubles me especially is that I am a very affectionate, tactile type and will stop her in a corridor and hug her and tell her how much I adore her - not with any ulterior motive, I must stress! It just makes me happy to do it. I do indeed think she is absolutely gorgeous, and love her desperately; sadly, I don't think she sees herself this way (hates her big boobs, etc.), and if I tell her she is sexy (which she is) she just says "No, I am not". Last week my parents were visiting us, so I did not spontaneously hug her, etc., as I know she's not keen on public displays of affection. Last night she told me, when I stopped her and hugged her again, that she preferred me last week "when I was almost normal". She is definitely not the affectionate, tactile type. It ocurs to me that she will only ever tell me she loves me in response to the question, "Do you love me?"

Any observations on what's going on here? Is she one of those (few?) women who simply does not respond to positive, affectionate, tactile expressive men? Should I be 'cooler' with her, more generally? I absolutely hated the old "treat 'em mean" bollocks that my friends indulged in with girls when we were all much younger, but I am starting to wonder whether, in some women's minds, being nice really does equate to being weak and undesirable.

I definitely do my fair share around the house. Neither of us drink much or smoke; neither are esp. overweight. I consider mysef to be 'average' in the looks department.

Is there any way I can get her to me more affectionate generally, and - more specifically - more adventurous and relaxed in bed (alcohol's no good here - wine makes her sleepy)?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - thanks in advance.

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SpringtimeSun · 28/08/2019 21:08

It sounds like a very frustrating position and to me it sounds like she suffers from low self-esteem but I'm guessing you knew that.

And I hate to say it but it sounds like she just doesn't see you as someone she wants to have sex with.
You laid it on the line and said how important sex was to you and she did take it on board, you now get it to have sex once a week and she thinks that's the job done and you should be happy but Tbh it sounds so bad that no sex might actually be better.

And honestly, I don't think it'll change because she is 'happy' with the status quo although I don't think she really is happy, it sounds like she'd actually be happy with No sex.
So you can try laying it out again, I don't think there is anything you can do to make her more adventurous.
Or you can consider your options. Resigning yourself to your current sex life or no sex life for the rest of your married life. Leaving your wife (sex is important, you're allowed to consider this as an option) or asking her about having an open relationship.

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lovesmarties · 29/08/2019 15:39

Thankyou, SpringtimeSun.

I have hoped, over the years, that it wasn't the case that it was the thought of sex with me in particular that was putting her off having more regular sex. The dark thought has often occurred to me that maybe she 'settled' for me at 19, but never really had the 'hots' for me. I have never quite been able to reconcile her repeated claims that she's never had much of a sex drive, with the fact that she lost her virginity so young (14 seems awfully young to me) and had had ten partners (incl. me, her last) before she was out of her teens (most of which - incl. two on a foreign holiday the very week before she and I first met - were one-night-stands).

One possibility is that the pill (which she started taking, for the first time, within months of us getting together, and has taken ever since, with breaks to have our two dc) has significantly reduced her libido. Not sure how common this is. Before the pill, she had heavy and crampy periods and I suggested the pill in part because I knew it could help here. Not sure how to pursue this. I asked her whether she'd ever considered a coil and she absolutely won't hear of it: if I have a vasectomy, her plan is to continue with the pill, to control her periods.

Another alternative is that she's never actually really been that interested in sex, but has 'put up with it' and 'put out' to keep boyfriends (incl. her first boyfriend at 14, to whom she lost her virginity) and had one-night-stands as a means of bolstering her self-esteem. The fact that she seemed so very keen to please me sexually in the early days of our relationship may fall in line with this theory (again, for example, in the early days she insisted that I come in her mouth when she blew me, until I told her she shouldn't do this if she didn't really want to - she later told me how much she had hated it with previous partners, that it made her feel sick, and she definitely won't allow me to do it now). She has made comments over the years, after sex, that make me concerned - disgust at how 'messy' sex is, for example.

One thing again that needs to be stressed: it's not just more sex I want, but more affection generally. Another example: she is not at all interested in the kind of post-sex cuddle that I crave and that most women seem to want. It all ends rather clinically. She gets up, pees, wipes herself and then returns to bed almost as if I am not there.

I continue to wonder whether I just need to be much cooler with her generally, stop hugging her, stop telling her that I love her, and stop complimenting her - as, if anything, I think this is having a negative effect. Maybe my playing 'hard to get' would kick-start something in her, and get her to do some of the work!

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SpringtimeSun · 29/08/2019 22:23

I think you can try playing 'hard to get' just so you can reassure yourself that you've tried everything but I don't think it'll get you what you want.

It sounds like you know her pretty well, and your reasoning behind her using sex in the early day to bolster her self esteem sounds spot on. But now she just doesn't want it. She's never really enjoyed it and doesn't want to make the effort to start now.

I think the sex and affection will only decrease. Can you live like that for the rest of your life?

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