new dp wants me to be a "slut"

[onoffshore]

Been with new man for 6 months. He started talking about how he wanted me to be a "slut" for him. It's taken me a while to work out what he actually means apart from the obvious (dressing provocatively, always being "up for it.") But the other side of it is that he wants me to beg and plead with him to have sex with me/ to let me give him a blow job 24/7, to do whatever he wants because I am "desperate," to make big "slutty" overtures to him in public which he can choose to accept or reject. It actually involves quite a lot of effort (different outfits, being the one who is coming on to him all the time.)
He obviously gets some kind of perverse pleasure in having me dress up and go out of my way to come on to him, and then playing a power card and rejecting me. He will say things like "tell me I own you and you will do anything for me? Tell me you are my girl and my slut and I completely control and own you and can choose to have sex with you when I want."

If this is what turns him on, that's fine, and the slut stuff turns me on too, to some extent as I am quite an experimental person, but the rate and frequency at which he wants it really upsets the power balance in our relationship.

He had teenage years where he spent a lot of sexually frustrated time being the "friend" to the girls his older brother sexually rejected, so lots of unrequited feelings and rejection, which he talks about a lot and still holds on to. It's a pretty obvious link.

I suppose it's a question of where and how fantasy steps over in to reality. He is great other than this, so I can't work out if he is being cruel by doing this or not. I don't mind role play, but I'm not sure how much this is role play for him or just exorcising demons from the past. How would you feel?

What did you say to him when you'd finished laughing?

If this was an occasional bedroom thing, fair enough. This sounds like control and abuse. I think you may look back at this when the relationship ship ends and feel uncomfortable. He wants to humiliate and reject you. His requests will probably become more extreme.

It is one thing to have occasional risque sessions with dressing up and roll play of what ever type you both feel comfortable with but this sounds pretty awful to me. Me and my partner have an active sex life with its fair share of adventure but i'd hate to think of her as a slut and she would be appalled. Alarm bells and red flags from me!

I have no idea how you can entertain these requests at all, no matter what his teenage experiences of rejection. He needs rejection again.

I thought you were going to say he wants you to act a bit more naughty in the bedroom, but this is just ridiculous and I wouldn't be entertaining the idea for a second.

Does it turn you on begging and being rejected?? If not then dont do it.

Eeeeeewwww! Just yuk. Surely he knows (since he asked you to do it) that you aren't really "begging". He's just asking you to beg, like ordering a service from a prostitute.

I suppose it's a question of where and how fantasy steps over in to reality. He is great other than this, so I can't work out if he is being cruel by doing this or not.

I think the answer is when it becomes reality when it becomes something he requires all the time.

So, I think this is just a matter of boundaries. If you like doing this once in a while, why deny yourself and him. Go for it and enjoy yourselves. But be clear that a) it's not for every time you have sex and b) you would like (insert specific request) in return from him.

Then it should be clear to you both that this is just one of a number of enjoyable sex things you 'do', and nothing more.

My husband likes this sort of thing. Didn't find out by him asking for it though, more by gradual experimentation. I have to say though that what you describe is somewhat extreme and bordering on a lifestyle!

I suggest as you are willing that there is a compromise. Perhaps on some occasions then act out being slutty. I have done stuff like wearing more slutty ( as he sees it) lingerie under my dress when going out etc....like open fronted thong, smaller bra etc and saying stuff to him, or texting him when I went to the ladies with suggestive stuff I "need" doing to me!

Also have dressed slutty in the bedroom and behaved more so...cheap and tight short skirt, low cut top, 1/4 cut bra etc although I find I need a glass of wine or two to relax me and get in the swing of things. I find however once we are both aroused it goes really well

Suggest you start slowly and see how you find it and if not for you then be honest and try something different! I'm sure he will appreciate you want to try things...and he should reciprocate for you!

Yuck that's grim

It's a kink. Sub dom. Probably more common than you think. Can be very good if you establish clear boundaries. If you aren't really a sub it isn't really going to work.

Not into it myself but some of the reactions above are quite childish.

Hoponindown I am fully prepared to accept that. I just want to understand more about it. He’s “dominant” in the sense that he is the one doing the accepting and rejecting and controlling? I thought the Dom was supposed to be the physically dominant “pursuing” one?

You probably need someone more expert in the matter and Mumsnet may not be the place.

I don't know if I could call it a kink, just trying different things and exciting things in the bedroom...but yes if I play at being slutty and talk dirty to him he finds it massively arousing and then responds to me in kind....I'm not sure I could identify it as being one of the other who is Dom LOL

Good luck anyway...better than being boring

He could also be a massive misogynist with women issues...

Sub/Dom isn’t one specific thing. It can be anywhere from a strictly bedroom arrangement where one of you acts submissive (bottoms) and the other acts dominant (tops) because you enjoy the thrill. The bottom isn’t really submitting- just acting a part.

A true bdsm relationship involves some sort of power exchange. One of you gives over some of your power/control to the other. Again it can be occasional or it can be a full lifestyle choice. Some relationships include only dominance. Others include bondage and/or sadomasochism. Some are more about age play (daddy Dom and his little).

It sounds as if your boyfriend gets off on the humiliation and degradation aspects. Nothing wrong with it if your are both consenting adults! However they key to these relationships is communication. Lots and lots of it. You need to talk extensively about what you both like and what you don’t. You need boundaries and a safe word.

BDSM relationships can be positive and life enhancing for both of you but only if you both want what is going on!

I think it’s completely normal. I’m all into choking and gagging . And I’ve been in my past with very loving guys who loved doing this but in reality they were far far from abusive. The fisting is a bit tricky as it can do a big damage .... I would feel good about his desires as they match mine, but I would still do these things as occasional thing while having normal loving vanilla sex - not something I would wanna do 3x4x times a week